Author Gary Chapman is a famous American relationship therapist who has summarized five forms of expressing love based on his years of counseling experience, calling them “love languages”:
Words of affirmation
(This language uses words to affirm other people.)
“This is a way of speaking to others where you use kind and positive words to make them feel good about themselves. For example, if you tell your friend that they did a great job on a project, that’s a word of affirmation.”
An expression of approval or validation (In this mode of communication, verbal or written expressions are used to validate or uplift others.)
“When using expressions of approval, one chooses to use words that are heartwarming and optimistic so as to invigorate the recipients’ self-esteem. For instance, if one were to commend a pal on the success of a task, that would qualify as an expression of approval.”
Acts of service
(For these people, actions speak louder than words.)
Some people feel most loved when others do things for them instead of just saying nice things. That means that these people value actions more than words. For example, if your friend likes Acts of Service, they may feel loved when you make them breakfast or clean their room for them instead of just telling them you appreciate them.
These individuals prioritize acts of service over words of affirmation; actions truly hold more weight than verbal expressions. Therefore, performing tasks and favors for them can have a greater impact than merely speaking kind words. Consider making them breakfast or tidying up their living space to show your appreciation, as these types of actions can convey love and care more effectively.
Receiving gifts
(For some people, what makes them feel most loved is to receive a gift.)
Some people feel loved when someone gives them a present.
For certain individuals, the act of receiving a gift can be the ultimate expression of affection from others and the most effective method to induce feelings of being loved. As such, the mere act of someone giving them a tangible object can kindle a sense of adoration within them.
Quality time
(This language is all about giving the other person your undivided attention.)
Giving someone quality time means that you are completely focused on them and aren’t distracted by anything else. It’s like when you’re playing a video game with your best friend and your mom calls you to do the dishes, but your friend says “Wait, let’s finish this level first” and you keep playing together. That’s quality time because you’re both fully engaged and present in the moment. It’s important to give people quality time because it shows that you value and care about them.
Dedicated attention is the essence of quality time, indicating a language of commitment towards another person.
Quality time is an act of being fully attentive towards the person, without letting any external factor interrupt the moment. For instance, when you play video games with your closest pal, and your mother orders you to wash the dishes in the middle of the game, but your buddy suggests that you complete the current level before doing so, and you chose to continue playing together. That’s the kind of quality time that portrays your complete engagement and awareness towards the other person. Offering quality time to others is a crucial way to express your esteem and affection towards them.
Physical touch
(To this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch.)
The person described in this text feels a strong connection to others through physical touch. It means a lot to them when someone touches them in a way that is comfortable and respectful.
For this individual, few things resonate more deeply than a well-suited physical touch. The person in question experiences a profound affinity with others through this medium, finding great value in the experience of being touched in a way that is mindful and deferential to their personal boundaries. In essence, the gesture of a gentle and appropriate touch carries great weight and significance to this person
“But if it is not his or her primary love language, it will not mean to them what it would mean to us.”
When two people share a common language, they can express themselves and understand each other’s thoughts. In love, we are not like highly educated polyglots. Often, we only focus on expressing our love in the language we know. However, even if we have many “conversations,” it may be futile if one can only speak Chinese and the other cannot understand Chinese at all.
Language is learned from childhood, and love languages are no exception. Our original family is the classroom where we learn love languages. If our parents’ primary love language is Acts of Service, we naturally think that Acts of Service is the language to express love.
However, if the other person values Words of Affirmation more, all the Acts of Service in the world will not be effective. Over time, love between each other will erode. Therefore, this book helps you understand what you and your partner need the most, so you can avoid making unnecessary mistakes in your relationship.
(p.s Of course, if you excel in all five love languages, you are a love genius.)
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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