This morning when I was on the freeway, a guy in a work truck cut me off and enthusiastically flipped me the bird. I could have responded to his finger with road rage of my own. But instead, I imagined a slew of scenarios: maybe he had a family to provide for, and if he was late to work just one more time, his boss would tell him to get lost. Or maybe he was at the end of his rope and, after too many bad days, was primed for a violent encounter.
I had no way of knowing what this guy was about. I realized if I had a knee-jerk reaction, I could end up getting hurt or potentially hurting the other driver.
A Troublesome Husband…
That day on the freeway wasn’t the first time life has reminded me that it’s often better to hold back on first impulses. Several years ago, I had an employee with a hot-tempered husband. As his behavior seeped into her performance, I made the tough choice to let her go. Not long after, he was heard talking about burning our building down.
Did I initially want to drive over to his house and set the bully straight — or call the police at the very least? Oh, yes.
But after I talked to some of the people on my team, I learned where his stress came from. The husband had been out of work for some time. They were struggling to pay the mortgage and even feed their family — her salary was their only income.
Did I initially want to give her back her job? Also yes.
My initial reactions were strong — but when I slowed down, I knew they weren’t helpful. The husband hadn’t made any direct threat, it was all hearsay. And even if giving the wife her job back would offer some temporary relief to her family, it wouldn’t do my company any favors in the long run. I’d let her go for a reason. I knew I had to act not to react, while keeping in mind all the factors involved.
…Transforms Into a Better Man
Determined to stay in control, I came up with a plan. I called the husband and told him I wanted to meet with him. When he got to my office, I was nervous — not just because of the way he treated his wife, but also because his family had questionable ties I won’t go into. But I was respectful and shook his hand. I told him I’d become aware of his difficult financial situation and how firing his wife had made things only worse. I had a $2,000 severance check in-hand — if he’d listen to a short speech from me.
I told him I knew all about the way he treated his wife — the signs were obvious. I encouraged him to do whatever it took (even if that meant cleaning toilets for a living) to take care of his family. I told him that unless he took responsibility for his life and actions, he would continue to blame me for his troubles instead of being the type of husband and father he should be. I handed him the check and let him know that under no circumstances would they ever see another penny. He argued that I had gotten everything wrong — but he still left with the check in his hand.
A few years later, my wife called me from home, frantic. Mr. Hothead, himself, was in our home installing cable for the cable company. She’d locked herself in the master bedroom with our children. I rushed home.
When I got to the house, my family was still locked away. It turned out, though, that Mr. Hothead was contracted through the cable company — and he was calmly going about doing his job.
After exchanging some awkward pleasantries, he reassured me that I didn’t need to worry about him. Just as I had hoped, my words actually had inspired him. Shortly after our encounter at the office, he’d gotten the job as a cable installer where he was making more money than he ever had. Because of that, his wife was able to stay home with the kids like they’d always wanted. He thanked me and said I was one of the few people who’d ever helped him. I was humbled to see the fruits of my conscious decision to stop and think — not just react.
Acting Instead of Reacting Gives You Power You Can Use Right Now
If Mr. Hothead taught me anything, it’s that there are going to be all kinds of situations where your initial reactions could mean seriously bad news for everybody. Instead, step back and take action only when you’re truly in control.
As for Mr. Bird on the freeway, I’m not holding his choices against him. My only hope is that his day got better. Just as with my employee’s husband, my decision to act instead of reacting with that driver was deliberate. All of us can make this choice, and it gives us the power to make real changes in the world. If you want to help yourself, others, and society, be Mr. Action, not Mr. Bird or Mr. Hothead.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Shutterstock