Let’s Debunk the Idea That Men Are Born To Chase Women

I read an article this morning that was written with anti-feminist undertones. It encouraged women to understand men and the ways in which they handle(or don’t handle) their emotions.

Validating behaviors like avoidance, anger, and pride and using evolutionary biology as a weak prop for the learned behavior of associating lack of expressed emotions with the social construct of masculinity, it ended with this cherry on top:

“They(men) are natural born hunters. Let them hunt you.”

It went on to discuss how men enjoy “the hunt” at the beginning of a new relationship and how if you fit the category of what the author referred to as his “dream girl” he will take time before sleeping with you, “if you allow him to chase you.”

Am I prey? Should I fear being eaten at the start of each new date? This was not in my high school sex education class.

Chasing Someone vs. Winning Them Over

The language of this piece and the language of overarching culture objectifies both parties and plays into heteronormativity. I’m not a shiny object to be caught.

I love romantic gestures, or anything from the heart. I appreciate an attempt from someone to show me their best self. I’m also going to try to do the same thing in return.

Winning me over crosses into chasing territory when it feels like there is a sexual endgame to any initial flirtations or interactions.

The underlying message I received from this piece but also from society at large is that I’m a prize, and the most valuable thing I have to “give away” is sex.

If I withhold it, I’m more likely to keep a man around. If I don’t withhold it, a man is more likely to leave.

This mindset is what I find problematic, largely because a lot of people are stuck in a vicious cycle between living this out and then transmitting this message on to the next generation.

Many men aren’t interested in taking relationships with women further after they’ve had sex and given you their favorite hoodie, no less; there is no apparent value in continuing to use their time to talk to you anymore. This is an experience I’ve had.

I’ve also had the experience of developing a deep and lasting emotional relationship with a man despite having sex within the first few dates(credit to the author of the piece I read this morning for mentioning there are always exceptions).

This should be the rule.

Tying whether or not women have sex with men to if a relationship will last sends a negative message about the taint our very healthy sex lives leave on us and the power we wield by withholding sex.

This is outlined by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie in her TED Talk as the Nigerian concept of bottom power.

Bottom power: A woman who uses her sexuality to get things from men.

If we’re using our sexuality(or promise of future sexuality)to extract lasting relationships from men, or any romantic partner, what are we building those relationships on?

What does that say about our relationship with our sexuality?

We claim to be feminists, forward thinkers, we say it’s 2021 like everything has changed, but reading work that reminds me of the way women use bottom power-for whatever reason-makes me feel like we’re back in 1950.

Giving vs. Receiving vs. Sharing

Back to the whole being pursued/chased/hunted idea, if a man is pursuing you, and catches you, is his prize… sex? If you’re not an object to be caught, neither is sex.

The idea of hunting someone and withholding sex also implies that sex is something a women gives to a man like a prize in capture the flag.

The man decided to pursue a deeper connection and is rewarded by receiving the most beautiful prize.

Sex is something that should be shared. Relationships are something that should be built together. I (think) we can all agree on this, but the dialogue of allowing oneself to be hunted is outdated.

It’s violent language, which is interesting because violence is so often how males have related to the female body.

It’s Time To Sever The Cord

I acknowledge that the relationship between sex and relationships is complicated.

It’s hard to navigate, it’s personal, requires a lot of communication and is truly different for everyone.

I (personally) think it’s time to cut the cord between having sex and building a lasting relationship. Sex is a natural, healthy, consensual act and building a lasting relationship requires two emotionally mature individuals.

I have to wonder if the “women want to be chased” and “play hard to get” mindsets that are so prevalent in pop culture and in messages we receive from people around us would fall away if sex was no longer tied to the relationships we were building.

Sex and healthy relationships can exist together for two people, or not, but sex shouldn’t determine the success of a relationship.

It’s not a precious gift to be given away, it’s something to be shared, and we each get to decide what value we place on sex in our lives.

Most importantly, it’s nobody else’s business but our own.

Thanks for reading ❤ Support a creator and buy me a coffee here

—

Previously Published on medium

***

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often

Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything

—

Photo credit: iStock