Kermet Apio believes pie is the key to the universe. And he’s not afraid to say so.
I like pie. I realize most of you feel the same way. Seems like a pretty noncontroversial thing to say. And it doesn’t matter who likes it more or less (although now that we’ve brought it up I probably like it more than you) but I do believe it should be said. I mean, liking pie isn’t exactly pushing the envelope, right? Isn’t it just a harmless declaration without any real implication in society? Or…maybe that’s what the powerful cake lobby would have you believe.
Pie is hope.
Pie is a melting pot. Fruits, vegetables, gourds, nuts, dairy products, etc. are all welcome on the crust. It’s a big tent of tolerance. I mean, where would rhubarb be without pie? Gone, that’s where. In Cakeland, rhubarb is dropped off at a bus station and told to leave town. Hang with us, rhubarb. There’s always room for you in the world of pie.
Pie is our past. For generations Americans have shared pie (and dangerously high cholesterol) with friends and family, be it a holiday or random act of kindness. To this day there has never been a documented case of someone saying “That idiot brought a pie! Jerk. I hate that guy.” In the early days, folks made pie from scratch, with foods gained by bartering beaver pelts. The dough was kneaded with a buffalo femur and the pie was baked in the hollowed out trunk of a Douglas fir.*
Pie is the new nice. The person who makes pie well and often is almost always a really good person. Pie makes people happy. And those who share pie are the happy makers of today.** When you see evil dictators on TV are they EVER baking, sharing, or enjoying a pie? Exactly.
Pie is so good, cake pisses me off. Take away the frosting and what do you have there? A sponge with a powerful propaganda machine. Why are we falling for this? Every birthday has to have a cake, despite it being the far inferior dessert. Why don’t we question that? Why don’t we stand up to it? Don’t we, as a society, deserve birthday pie? The cake lords are calling the shots from their underground lair, complete with money filled mattresses and walls painted with food coloring. If I turn up missing soon after you read this, you know where to look. Just follow the gluten.
And let’s not kid ourselves, cheesecake is pie. We need to take it back. Oh, they can put cake in the name all they want but the truth is out there with every creamy, triangular slice. Of course, when we do take it back we’ll have to figure out a completely different name, because “cheesepie” does not sound all that appetizing.
So yes, I like pie. I say it proudly while understanding the risks. And you should too. Our numbers are strong and yet way too silent. Of course, there are some that would say that I’m just a comedian trying to get free pie or even a pie sponsorship. Whatever.
*I have NO idea how they made pie in the early days. Just didn’t feel like it was important enough to making my point to actually look up.
**If you are starting a band and want to call it “The Happy Makers of Today,” you already have my permission. Let me know when the debut album drops.
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