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There are many ways a relationship can be threatened, but as Mrs. Murphy (pseudonym) said, they are all just symptoms of an underlying cause, and that cause is lack of trust.
Trust, or rather the lack of trust, can be initiated through a catastrophic event or by the accumulation of many small incidents over time.
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Catastrophic loss of trust:
On the catastrophic level, the biggie for most people is having an affair. Trust goes out the window in a blink of an eye when this happens. For most people, it is nearly impossible to forgive and start the process of re-building trust.
I have worked with many couples who try to re-build the relationship after an affair, and even when the aggrieved party wants to keep the relationship going, they cannot let go of the hurt and anger towards their partner. Eventually, their spouse gets fed-up with never being able to placate the hurt feelings and often gives up on the hope of forgiveness . . . and leaves.
Another relationship breaker is not being supportive during a crisis. I had two women who recently went through the death of an important person in their lives, and in both cases the men were literally nowhere to be found. If you can’t be there in a person’s time of need – well, what’s the point. I can’t trust that you will be there because you’re not.
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Major threats to trust:
On the other end of the spectrum, those items that grate us in the wrong way, are hard to swallow or just plain piss us off include, but are not limited to:
1) Staying in contact with the ex. There are some exceptions to this one, for example, when kids are involved and contact cannot be avoided. But what really gets people upset is when you insist on being “friends” with the ex and being engaged in extra-curricular activities – coffee, lunch, etc. This can be very threatening to the person watching this and wondering, “What the heck is going on?”
Even if nothing is going on, your partner is understandably concerned. If there is already a strain on the relationship, especially involving issues of trust, this situation just adds fuel to the fire.
Can you stay friends with the ex(s)? Sure, but you will need to take into account your partner’s experience of the situation and be clear, within yourself, who is the #1 priority in your life and make adjustments accordingly.
I had to deal with this situation when a long-term partner and I broke up and we remained friends. A year and a half later I met another woman and eventually we moved in together.
My ex kept up her communication with me especially when she was having trouble in her life. My new partner found this disturbing. Where was my emotional energy going – to my ex and not to my new partner who pointed out that my ex, even though out of the relationship, still had unimpeded access to me, like she did when we were together. Who was my priority? I got it and made changes accordingly.
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2) Lying is insidious. Especially those little white lies. You know the ones, “Hi Honey, I’m home. Sorry to be so late, we had a project to finish.” When in fact, you went out with your co-workers for a few drinks at the bar.
Most often, our little lies get found out. This leads to a fight, hurt feelings, and distrust. Now your partner is on the alert. You not only have to tell the truth, but make sure all your actions appear to be truthful and on the up-and-up.
What’s worse is if you don’t get caught. This emboldens the liar who now thinks he can get away with telling his partner whatever will cause the least distress. He forgets, misplaces, was busy, or has a phone that is dead, broken or lost.
People may not want to admit it, but we often sense when something is not quite right. We become suspicious (erosion of trust), tense, and start asking a lot of questions.
The worst case I have seen in this realm was when the perpetrator was having an affair and was able to tell his wife, apparently believable stories, when he missed dinner, was away on week-ends, and missed entire family vacations. Boggles the mind.
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3) Keeping your word. This has some similarities to lying. Indeed, you may end up lying to make excuses for why you haven’t kept your word. Now you are compounding the problem and, like getting out of debt, it is a difficult and painful task involving sacrifice.
When we don’t keep our word, we let down two people, our partner and ourselves. If this happens frequently, our partner literally cannot trust us. We have shown with our behavior that we are not trust-worthy. Some people, once knowing how you behave, may be willing to make allowances – they just don’t believe anything you say and take counter-measures to protect themselves.
The problem with this is the emotional withdrawal your partner needs to take to avoid being hurt, embarrassed, or let-down whenever you don’t keep your word. Ultimately, this creates even further distance in the relationship.
If your partner has not given up or accepted your behavior, they will be on you like a dog with a bone, never letting up on telling you what you haven’t done. This gets tiring really fast and typically leads to fights and withdrawal from the relationship.
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4) Lack of intimacy: Whether physical or emotional, when intimacy decreases, the relationship is threatened. One, or both partners question what has happened and if they do not communicate about this, a lack of trust in the bond that brought you together festers and eats away at the relationship creating an open wound.
On the emotional side, knowing how your partner interprets “intimacy” is crucial. Intimacy means different things to different people and knowing your partner’s understanding of that word will allow you to ascertain if a) you can give him/her what they want and b) if you are willing to give it to them.
I know a woman who wishes desperately for more intimacy from her partner and he, apparently, doesn’t know what she wants, or can’t give it to her in a the way she wants it. It is very painful to watch.
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5) Not being able to communicate: This is often stated as one of the biggest reasons that women leave relationships. If you don’t communicate, your partner wonders what are you hiding, what are your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and do you care about the relationship? These are some of the questions that your partner is left to ponder when you don’t communicate. Put simply, lack of communication does not engender trust.
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There are many attitudes, beliefs and behaviours that can endanger the trust between partners. We have examined a couple of catastrophic examples and some behaviors that wear down the trust over time. As Mrs. Murphy said, “a loss of trust at any level can corrode the relationship.”
Photo: iStock
Heres the thing – WOMEN lie and cheat alot. WOmen also demand sex from us when we dont care to have sex with them. Thats called RAPE and we tolerate it as well – we go along with it because we dont want an argument and that NAGGING that makes us not care about them that much. What about when the hump you when you are still asleep and then quip “its ashamed to let that ‘morning glory’ go to waste”. In another part of the country – THATS RAPE! And lets not talk about the neediness. The continuous requests… Read more »
“The worst case I have seen in this realm was when the perpetrator was having an affair and was able to tell his wife, apparently believable stories, when he missed dinner, was away on week-ends, and missed entire family vacations. Boggles the mind.” Maybe she didn’t believe him so much as she had just given up. I was doing laundry one day and accidently washed my ex-husbands wallet. (He had just gotten back from visiting a friend in another state) I was pulling out his cards etc so that they could dry out and I pulled out a condom which… Read more »
Lying: Yup yup…the more elaborate the story, the more unbelievable he was…I was so exhausted by his stories, I just let him run on and on….arguing with him or asking questions just dragged the ridiculous tale out further….
Near the end, he admitted lying about how he injured his shoulder…it wasn’t accidentally climbing out of his car…it was from someone beating him in a bar fight…at that point, I, too, was done…and did not care to hear any more tall tales or his threats….
I, too, saw what a waste of my time it was being with him….
To me it doesn’t seem like lack of trust or rather lack of trust is not the main, but a supporting point. It seems to me that women need to feel safe in a relationship. Trust is one part of feeling safe. She wants to know you’re not going to leave her (cheating). She wants to be able to talk to you without fear of physical or emotional violence and of course not knowing what your thoughts are does make her uncertain (unsafe). Katy Perry alludes to this in Teenage Dream. Jessica Simpson in With You does the same thing.… Read more »
Yes, trust has to be the biggest. I agree about the white lies. I have been in relationships with more than one girl and they always told lies about everything. What they ate for lunch, what they did last night or even what colors they like. The point is, everything was a lie and I wondered why they are even with me. I didn’t support them financially or always pay for everything so I really wondered. I realized after my own introspection and actually meeting new girls and bringing this up to them right away that sometimes women are so… Read more »
I know a couple guys whose significant others changed after marriage. They used to cook, clean, hold a job. After marriage they just wanted to go out or spend money they didn’t want to have to work for. In dating you’ll usually see the “best side” of a person or what a person thinks you want to see. I’ve even seen this happen when people buy things for others. I’ve met women (and men) who’ve started out buying / giving / doing things for people and then it stops and the giving ends up being almost entirely the other way.… Read more »
This is a crazy side effect of marriage. I have known a couple men who seemed decent but the minute that ring went one that finger and their girlfriend became their wife, they all of a sudden told them what they could wear, what they could eat, how much money they can spend, if they are allowed to work. One of them literally said “you’re my wife now, I own you.” There are crazy people out their with crazy expectations. A part of the problem is marriage itself and the expectations that go along with it. People think that they… Read more »
Steven: I thought everything was very clear and concise what you said in your article. Trust is the #1 issue and it gets harder and harder to really have that in a relationship these days. Facebook and cellphones is to blame for a lot of partners keeping in contact with Ex’s., and for lack of intimacy. Before, people weren’t so accessible, but these tools have made it so anyone can reach contact in less that a minute. It has also driven a wedge between couples, when communication has broken down. If we don’t stay close to the ones we are… Read more »
Thanks Angelguy for your thoughts. It sure looks like technology is affecting how people communicate. I am amazed how some couples text each other all during the day. Is this a sign of connection or insecurity or is it just habit that the moment we feel the need to connect we are able to connect? Does this instant communication increase trust or erode it? I will do some research on this. It might make a good article.
An angle that might be interesting to include in such research, might be if couples who text each other all during the day, actually communicate face-to-face with each other when they step through the door and meet each other. Or if they continue to text with other people?