
I’m tired of trying to explain the inexplicable.
I’m tired of trying to understand what I could no longer comprehend.
I’m tired of forming thoughts to explain what was, or to predict what will be.
For a long time, I thought life belonged to the sensible ones. Those who had answers to everything, who knew the whys of what happened and what would happen. Today, I see that my life no longer fits into my logical reasoning.
How many internal dialogues never turned into words?
How many maps of my days were drawn, only to die in the first minute of the morning?
How many failed astrological predictions?
How many shuffled, cut, and drawn tarot cards that amounted to nothing?
How many sips of coffee in cups that didn’t deserve the gulp I took?
Even the lines on my palms seem different today…
What did the fortune teller tell me again?
Did I lose sight of the prince I never found because I turned on the curve of the road on Monday morning?
Why do I still read the sky if I am illiterate in the stars? Why do I still try to listen to the wind if my ears are deaf to life?
Perhaps because my hopes are a sweet mother who won’t let me leave the house in the morning without wearing the coat of my dreams.
But I don’t know if it’s the cold weather, or if it was a chill in my heart, but the truth is that I’m tired of trying to understand, explain, and predict.
I realized that fighting with life is an ungrateful struggle in which my mind lost the arm wrestling match. Today it is exhausted, wounded, tired, without strength to continue.
Lying on the floor of existence, I realized that if living were enough to explain life, it would end up inside a mathematical reason.
It’s impossible to just explain and not feel, however, it’s possible to feel without explaining.
I think if life speaks a language, and if there is a universal language, it is that of the heart. Because my thoughts can be incomplete, contradictory, and misleading, but what I feel leaves me no doubt.
What we feel says much more about us than what we think. When everything makes sense, we no longer need meaning. Because meaning comes from a sign, figure, form, what is represented, while sense comes from feeling, from what is lived! I no longer want to represent, I want to live.
Life is full of curves, nuances, and alterations, in a sea of constant transformations that my thoughts no longer keep up with.
So it’s no use, no matter how much I try, I’ll never understand my life, much less control it.
But I can always live it and feel its best.
So even though I don’t have the explanations I need, the things I want, or the predictions I longed for, even when everything continues to seem like a mess, I know that the best attitude will always be to turn off the mind and open the heart.
…
© 2024 Lost in My Soul
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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