When I was 7 a boy in my class got expelled from school for racists comments and vandalism. This is when I started developing an interest in psychology that hasn’t left me since.
“But why?” I asked my mother. “Why would someone do something like this? No one has ever been mean to him.” My mother explained everything as good as you can explain something this complex to a 7-year-old. I don’t remember what she said, but I remember what I understood: The boy had never experienced love. He was raised in an orphanage and had never met his real parents.
I remember feeling a sense of compassion and empathy. I remember concluding that it wasn’t really his fault and that the absence of love explained all evil.
My simplistic reasoning for the motivations behind any misconduct wasn’t completely wrong. Researchers have found that childhood trauma and childhood abuse double the probability of violence. But in my naive understanding of cause and effect, I also concluded that love was the cure.
I held onto that view for a very long time. I thought the world would be a happier and safer place if we can only show those that commit far worse crimes than my classmate that they are loved. And without realising it, this belief was a basis for a lot of relationships and friendships I would form.
Love heals violence and all its sources Bryant H. McGill
***
Our society verifies this view
Thankfully, many of us grow up in a society where crimes and toxic behaviour aren’t something we encounter daily. The criminals and monsters that shape our perception of the world, are often the ones we see in movies or read about in books.
There have been many studies on the effects of movies on children’s behaviours and perception. Remember when the movie industry started reviewing how they portrayed smoking because research found that onscreen smoking in movies causes young people to start smoking?
How would a child perceive and understand violence if movies and books are the main exposure?
How would a child understand what cures evil if not through the fate of the only blatantly obvious evil villains they encounter on screen or paper?
I have yet to find a movie where the villain starts therapy and “turns good over years of hard work”. It just doesn’t make a very good ending. In the movies I watched as a child, the villain either dies or they have some sort of epiphany that instantly turns them good. And quite often, that magic moment involves love.
Think Beauty and the Beast, The Grinch, Star Wars or Mary Poppins. Even the dragon in Shrek, who still resides on a mountain of skeletons when she lays eyes on Donkey and falls in love. The message is everywhere: Love can change the worst of the worst. Love can turn fire-spying dragons into lap dogs and monsters into handsome princes.
***
But Love really doesn’t fix anything
It took me 33 years to realise that all those movies have gotten it wrong.
While the villains and monsters from the movies of my childhood exist, no amount of love can forever turn them into princes. And the belief that it can, makes us hold out for the wrong people for too long.
It’s what keeps us trapped in unhealthy relationships or family dynamics.
In an abusive relationship, for example, we endure crimes that affect our mental or physical health, because we hold onto the hope that one day, the monster we see in front of us will permanently turn into the handsome prince we believe to have seen.
We show empathy and compassion for those who disrespect us because we believe that our love will be enough to yield permanent change.
But real change can only come from within.
While the villains we encounter in real life might have been driven to their actions by an absence of love, the presence of love alone cannot fix them.
Lundy Bancroft who has worked with over 2000 abusive partners points out that the only cure for abusiveness is for the abuser to recognise their behaviours and deal with them.
My fifteen years of working day in and day out with abusive men have left me certain of one thing: There are no shortcuts to change, no magical overnight transformations, no easy ways out. Change is difficult, uncomfortable work. The project is not hopeless — if the man is willing to work hard — but it is complex and painstaking. For him, remaining abusive is in many ways easier than stepping out of his pattern. Bancroft, Lundy. Why Does He Do That? (p. 334).
***
Love is powerful enough as it is
Experiencing love makes us happier and less stressed. Researchers have found that it can even decrease the risk of heart disease, lower blood pressure and increase our life expectancy.
Love is powerful.
Love can help us heal after traumatic events. Scientists even found that physical wounds heal faster in couples who are in a stable and loving relationship. But here is the difference: Love may help us heal, not fix.
Maybe love can be the most powerful medicine, but never the cure.
Maybe love can enable us to solve many complex problems, but it can’t be the solution.
Can we just reap all the benefits of love without trying to turn it into a fix-all cure?
I still want to believe that monsters can change. I still have so much love to give. I still love with a passion. I still believe that showing someone that they are loved, no matter what their problems are, is always a good thing. I still believe in the power of love, but I have changed my expectations on what it can achieve.
Love is an incredible force, let’s stop repurposing it for the one thing it cannot do: Fixing.
—
This post was previously published on Medium.
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often | Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | ..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Author via Canva.com