When we’re all tangled up inside, we tend to push our partner away hard…even when we don’t want to.
Have you ever felt something weighing heavy on your mind but, try as you might, you absolutely cannot even begin to describe the ambivalence you are feeling?
If the issue had a sound, it would be almost undiscernible. Pure noise. If you pictured your problem, it may look like a pinball, bouncing around uncontrollably in your mind.
Before you can even process what you are feeling, or every time you try, all you can feel is a haze —a headache—confusion— maybe even panic.
Very few problems are truly black and white in the web that is our complex inner thought process.
It is not uncommon for a part of us to feel hurt, disappointed, or apprehensive, while another part of us feels angry and vengeful and yet another part of us feels partly to blame, while yet another part of us is ready to completely move forward without a care in the world.
When we are torn, it is hardly surprising that we can find ourselves at wits end sometimes when it comes to describing what we feel, but here are a couple of insights that have helped me and my partner communicate in very productive, meaningful ways, even when we are unsure where we stand:
Lessons from Mount Olympus
Imagine the Mount Olympus as depicted in mythology, with all of the Greek gods sitting atop, watching over your life. When particular events happen, your thoughts and reactions are every bit as different as those fabled Gods, and like them, your feelings will sometimes run in direct conflict with other feelings you are sharing. In these moments you find your emotions at war, and this is particularly true where personal matters of the heart, family, or finances are concerned.
Give a Voice to Each Part of Yourself
The key is to not come up with “how you feel” as though there is one right response, but how “each part of you feels”.
By giving voice to our nurturer, our protector, our lover, our fighter, our inner-child, our old scars, our critic, our addict, our voice of wisdom and all of the characters that tend to (or corrupt) our web of thoughts, we start to untangle ourselves from the mess instead of becoming a slave to it, or worse, detaching altogether. And we stop ourselves from saying, “Go f*ck yourself!” which we can have a tendency to do when we’re feeling all jangled inside.
We can relate better and let others in to help us, if we desire when we pull our feelings apart. We can pinpoint our apprehensions and conquer our fears when we realize the voice may be coming from our old scars.
You owe yourself not just a feeling, but the whole range. If you need to confide in someone and don’t know where to begin, start by saying “This part of me thinks….” and let it flow from there.
You will not always be strong or “together”. You will not always be weak or needy. But you may feel those things at the same time, and that’s perfectly okay. Just try not to push your partner away when it’s not what you really desire.
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