Loving Me Meant Leaving You

I won’t claim to be a relationship expert but after being in a few, I’ve learned some things. The idea of picture-perfect dating is a complete myth. Well, not entirely but close enough when you date the wrong person.

Dating someone for looks or for the person they portrayed themselves to be during a two-hour date is insane, right? Yet, somehow with that in mind, I still managed to get wrapped up in a toxic relationship with someone I wasn’t attracted to but happened to have known for five years.

No accountability.

He was my best friend at one point. After being cheated on and mistreated by the popular bad boys I always seemed to get with, I decided to give him a chance. In no time at all, the person I had confided in and who treated me with love and kindness was gone.

He became controlling and jealous. Not realizing that my friend and boyfriend were indeed two different people, I stayed hoping that he was acting that way due to stress.

Rule number one in dating, when someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them.

Because I had never seen him angry or irritated before I had no idea that was how he truly acted. It was hard to grasp how good he was at hiding that side of himself from me for so long. Of course, he never took any responsibility for his actions, and usually blame-shifted everything towards me.

When the joy ride stops, get off.

I got every excuse in the book from him being overwhelmed to the fact that us being long-distance (his fault) made him edgy. I can’t believe I fell for that but I did. And day after day I was the target of his aggression.

Don’t get me wrong, we had good moments. Little insignificant moments that made me think, “Hey, he does love me.” Twenty minutes wouldn’t go by before I was left regretting and retracting my words.

I could have left and almost did many times. Almost doesn’t count though. Within three years of our relationship, we were living together and already had two kids. I was constantly being guilt-tripped into staying because I’d be the cause of our family breaking apart if I left. I felt trapped. Everything got worse and he managed to become every one of my exes pieced together into one person.

Shame kept me quiet.

I kept everything that was happening a secret because I didn’t want my family to hate him and I honestly thought that maybe he’d change one day. It was such a depressing time. I had to keep it together not only for myself but my children.

Truth is, I was always the tough girl. Having to admit that I was in a toxic relationship was embarrassing. I was ashamed that I let things get that far. I hated that I stayed for so long.

The courage to leave came with a fight.

We had our last child three years ago and separated four months later. When I say separated I mean I grabbed a week’s worth of clothes and bolted out of the home we shared together in the middle of the night. He went ballistic.

I wish I could say that was the end of that for me. Even though we haven’t lived together in almost three years, I’ve entertained his claim that he’s changed way more times than I can count.

Why? I don’t know. He’s done everything from yell at me to trying to portray me as a monster to everyone he knows. He hasn’t changed and every few weeks I’m reminded of that by one of his tantrums.

So, where does that leave me? Single. Even if he magically changed tomorrow the mental scars I have from our relationship haven’t gone away. How can I say I love myself and continue this toxic rollercoaster?

My love for myself outweighs years in a relationship.

I’ve heard, “You never loved me” many times. The truth is I did love him and that was the problem. I loved him so much I neglected my own needs. Being controlled and gaslighted for most of my adult life is not what I imagined love to be. For me, walking away is a gift to myself.

Staying in a situation that does more harm than good is not worth its weight in dung. No amount of years with my ex was enough for me to continue living in misery. History that’s filled with trauma is not something anyone in their right mind should want to repeat or continue.

Call me selfish but there’s no way I’ll settle for an unhealthy relationship and forsake my own happiness again. Nothing is worth my sanity. Loving me means leaving everything and anything that does me no good.

I’m completely fine with spending three more years single if need be. I’ve learned a lot about myself in my singleness. Sometimes you simply have to let go of what holds you back even if that means giving up on something you wanted. As for me, I’m better now than I was before and that’s because I choose myself this time around.

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

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