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In Aikido, we trained with the bokuto (wooden sword). As the opponent’s bokuto strikes to my head, I move into the attack. Get under the attack. I hold my position. But I move to side, when I strike my bokuto. I don’t move straight in. I got scared.
Ishibashi Sensei asked, “Why did you move to the side?”
I said, “I was afraid of getting hit.”
Sensei looked at me and said, “We’re all afraid.” He said that’s what we all have to work on.
He said that I make my mind get under the attack, go into the danger. There, I hold my position. I wait it out. I open up myself.
Sensei said, “That’s the only way you open up.”
I open up and let go my fear inside me. That’s the purpose of the training.
Sensei held his bokuto a couple inches above his head. He said, “That’s not a problem.”
Then he held his bokuto against his forehead. He said, “That’s a problem.”
I have more time than I think I do. When the bokuto strikes to my head, I move into the strike. I put myself in the distance so that the opponent can hit me. Once the attacker commits in their strike, they have no recourse. Yet, I have a choice.
I’m in the distance for the strike, under the attack. I hold my position. When the bokuto is just above my head, I’m good. I make my timing. I wait it out. I come over the attacker’s bokuto with mine first. I might take a glancing blow. I end the attack or make the attacker move back. The late Mizukami Sensei taught both Ishibashi Sensei and me: Wait it out. Enter the attack. Take a glancing blow if you have to. You’re not always going to get away scot-free. It’s one time.
The bigger stronger man, punches to my face. I enter the attack, enter the danger. In the center of the attack, in the striking distance, I hold my position. I make my timing. I wait it out. I open up.
Just before the attacker hits my face, I apply ikkyo (wristlock) to myself and match the punch with iriminage (clothesline technique) to attacker’s head. I can let the attacker pass or end the attack. The attacker can take the fall or get struck in the face. I could win or lose. The attacker could win or lose. We both choose. What happens, happens.
I wait it out. I make my timing. I enter the attack, enter what I fear, and open up. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough. Every time, I enter what I fear, I let go more and more of my fear inside me. I free myself of myself.
I was afraid inside that I was not good enough for someone. I held my position. I made my timing. I said what was inside me, “I love you.” I opened up. What I feared was truth. I was not meaningful to her. She used me until she could find someone meaningful, she could love. Having someone to love is what we all want in life.
I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else. Still, I have a say to in what goes on inside me. I work on myself, not on others. That’s all I can do. That’s all that we can do. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not.
I was afraid. I made my mind get under what I feared. I held my position. I made my timing. I entered what I fear and die with honor. Hopefully, not always literally. Just kidding. Well, for the most part. I took the glancing blow. I dared bravely to be me. I failed bravely, too. I did the best that I could.
Like Sensei said, “We’re all afraid.” We’re all afraid of something. That’s just being human. I try to get under what I fear, be with my fear. Not run from it. I close the distance. I hold my position and wait it out. I make my timing. I choose to be me. I can always live with that. Amen.
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