Managing for Success

Yesterday, I announced to the world, at least the very small percent of the world who read this stuff, that I was going to be a kinder, gentler fan (see this, kinder, gentler fan) I was going to appreciate the effort and applaud the results. I told my friend Susan that my new motto was “I am a fan of the team, not the score.” Which, I think was ingenious as far as mottos go. I was thinking about having a shirt made with that logo, but it would require too much explanation, so I scrapped the idea, temporarily, until one day the undead ghost of that fantastic thought rises from its shallow grave to haunt the landscape of free enterprise, hand me the right phrase, and turn me into a semi-retired millionaire. But, that will have to wait.

Until I am independently wealthy, though, I need to maintain my edge, I need to keep sharp, and vigilant. Waiting around every corner is a potential ambush, a chance for competitors and subordinates to gain an advantage.

As a fan, I might be forgiving, but as a human, I will be a ruthless tyrant, running things with an iron fist, demanding obedience, and subservience, loyalty and blind, unquestioning fealty.

From now on I am the fastest rat in the race, the biggest dog in the pound. As Graham Parker warned, so eloquently, “out in the jungle there’s a war going down, you wind up eating all the new friends you found.” And, they will be delicious.

I ask no quarter, and I give none. I am a monstrous, despicable, machine of oppression, crushing all who dare stand before me. My supervisory style will be based on the teachings of Sennacherib, a manager in the Assyrian Empire in the 7th century. Here is his how he handled problems.

“I threw down the city and its houses from the foundations to the summits…I knocked down and removed the outer and inner walls, and the temples and all the brick-built ziggurats and threw the rubble into the Arahtu canal, and after I had destroyed Babylon, smashed its gods and massacred its population, I tore up its soil and cast it into the Euphrates so that it was carried by the river down to the sea.”

Now, there is a guy who knows how to effectively deal with problems. And that is how I am going to model my behavior from now on. He had no use for attendance/tardiness policies, focus groups, or market research, he didn’t touch base with or reach out to, people. When there was a problem he addressed it quickly, efficiently and cared little for the opinions of accountants or customer service associates. Billing questions were answered with invasion and destruction. Trust me, people paid their bills, on time.

That is the way things should be done. Smash, and burn, and trample, and crush. When I see a potential problem it will be the next pile of rubble. Someone takes a long lunch someone finds their whole department superglued to the ceiling. I am going to be an uncaring, unforgiving rock of seething, barely controlled violence and anger.

Now, about that raise, how high would you like the gallows?

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Originally published on Life, Explained

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