I’ve always been a monogamous, marriage-type guy. Ironically, it’s this serious attitude towards love that terrifies me about entering a relationship. No matter how passionate the kissing or meaningful the late-night deep conversations are at the beginning, there’s a constant sense of “how long can this euphoria last?” I see the ending before it takes off. Screaming. Lying. Blaming. Cutting each other’s throats with derogatory name-calling. The love bubble inevitably twists into a nightmare. Most relationships just don’t end peacefully because the more we love, the more we hate.
After observing my surrounding people who are either hopelessly single or unhappily married, I’m starting to think maybe, marriage isn’t the answer — especially in 2021.
Convenience of technology
A man is as faithful as his options.
We’ve become intolerant of partners that we don’t like enough or mistreat us, knowing a potential replacement is at the swipe of a fingertip. Dating apps have provided us an escape when we run into problems in a relationship.
Instead of working through the normal ebbs and flows, we decide to look elsewhere — because we can, easily. Apps like Tinder are a gift to dating because it enhances dating opportunities. But a curse to marriage because it gives us an early exit as opposed to sticking it out the same way our parents did.
Traditional values are long gone
In the U.S., the median age for men marrying is 29, and 27 for women. Marriage rates are at a record low. Forget America. Even my home country China — a family-oriented culture established for thousands of years has been evolving out of traditional values in the past decade.
We’re the byproduct of an enhanced material world. Kids don’t starve the way they used to. Everybody has a college degree. People are now more concerned about where they’ll go for the July 4th weekend than how they’re going to pay their rent next month. Therefore, we’ve become more externally independent and individualistic than ever. We don’t need to stick together to survive the way our ancestors used to.
Parents also don’t emphasize family values to their children. Instead, they raise them to become successful.
Somewhere along these lines, the importance of marriage and commitment fades.
This generation has no patience
It’s about fast sex, slow love.
My roommate has been sulking about his on/off girlfriend for the past few weeks. He wants her. But she’s playing hard to get. So I asked him, why not just pursue her? If you showed her enough affection, she’d open up to you. The problem is, he has no patience for these games. There are always more fish in the sea, and dating comes down to efficiency.
This is the epitome of modern dating. There are too many options. Too little patience. Committing to one person no longer rings romance. It sounds somewhat stupid to put all our eggs in one basket when considering the number of options available to us. Casual dating and even polygamy have become a way to avoid heartbreak by keeping a distance. Many of us associate long-term relationships with pain, anxiety, and fear.
We can’t ignore the biology
Men are built to seek multiple offspring partners to ensure a higher chance of survival. Both men and women are sexually attracted to multiple people throughout the course of their life. And since morals aren’t imposed strongly the way society used to, many of us stopped repressing our deep desires.
The only thing guaranteed is this moment
I was curious why one of my married female friends has been actively engaging in various sports lately. She’d always ask to hang out, even alone with men. Having married in her mid 20’s. She told me how sick and tired she’d grown from her husband. Here’s a sheltered girl who’s always followed social norms to the tee. She’s a perfect example of someone not knowing what she wants, and who idealized marriage to now finds out that it’s nothing like what she envisioned.
Spending the rest of our lives with that one special person is a wonderful idea. However, the security and steadiness that a long-term relationship brings also breeds boredom and contempt. We were raised to seek stability. We desire marriage to avoid constantly spending time and energy searching for it. It’s a baggage. A destination. Not necessarily what we want.
But the reality is, no matter how much we pour ourselves into someone else, every relationship has the potential to fall apart, and they usually do in this day and age. We’re so afraid of relationships dynamics changing, deteriorating, or ending abruptly. Yet, it’s all inevitable.
So why don’t we learn how to accept change when it occurs, as opposed to clinging onto this “forever” idea. It shouldn’t be about maintaining a marriage out of obligation, rather enjoying the process whenever it may end.
The sunrise is amazing. But it’s more important to enjoy the journey and embrace the sunset.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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