Maybe I Just Don’t Like You That Much

Are you talking about me behind my back?

Am I paranoid and self-absorbed? I can’t help wondering if there’s a little edge to your voice. It feels like you’re distancing yourself, but it’s hard to know for sure.

I suppose I could ask you, but I don’t think we’re close enough to have that kind of conversation.

I was raised to love my neighbor as myself.

I believe in this concept and do my best to live by it even though I constantly fall short. As a Quaker, I believe that God is within each and every one of us. So loving our enemies makes sense if we are ever going to find peace.

But this is not another story about empathy.

Valuing inclusion, compassion, and forgiveness is not the same as staying in unsatisfying relationships.

I spend way too much time wondering who is mad at me.

I want to be liked.

I hate it when people are mad at me. I know anger is a normal part of any close human relationship, but I still don’t like having it directed toward me. I’ll wrap myself up in a pretzel and do backflips to try to make sure you’re not mad at me.

Am I too emotional?

Did I say something that offended you?

Did I drop the ball with something I forgot?

Sometimes I wake up at 4:00 AM and re-work conversations in my head. I imagine myself explaining that it was all a big misunderstanding that will never happen again.

If someone appears to be distancing, I start to monitor their frequency of contact, their social media likes, and the tone of text messages. Why aren’t they sending any smiley emojis or purple hearts?

Did I let you down?

Are you upset with me?

How can I make it right?

It’s Time to Start Asking Different Questions

I’m not giving up on my mission to be more empathic. I agreed with Barach Obama when he said,

“Empathy is a quality of character that can change the world.”

On a large scale, I think our world can keep getting better when we all practice our empathy skills. But I’ll have to figure out a way to change the world and have people not like me at the same time.

I’m trying to replace my late-night paranoia with a different mindset. If I can embrace the reality that plenty of people don’t like me, it allows me to ask these kinds of questions when I start to wonder if a friendship is beginning to change form.

Do I enjoy spending time with you?

Do we see eye to eye on basic values?

Am I willing to change for you?

Are you willing to drop everything for me when I need you?

Do you know me and like me for who I am?

If the answers to these questions are yes, that says a lot about the quality of our friendship.

But if the answers are no, I refuse to keep spending so much mental energy wondering what I did wrong.

What Freud Got Right

Scholars will have academic debates for decades about the merits of Psychoanalytic Theory and will continue to do so.

It was Sigmund’s daughter, Anna Freud, who developed the concept of projection.

Projection is a defense in which individuals attribute their own thoughts, feelings, and motives onto another person…

For instance, you might hate someone, but your superego tells you that such hatred is unacceptable. You can ‘solve’ the problem by believing that they hate you.

Psychologically, our brain (or ego) tricks us into believing that it’s easier to think that someone else is angry than to admit that we might be angry at them.

In truth, living in projection is not easier at all. It’s painful, frustrating, and exhausting to try to force someone not to be angry. It simply doesn’t work.

If there is distance, it is most likely because some things about the friendship aren’t really working for either party.

So Maybe I Just Don’t Like You That Much.

This sounds meaner than it is. It is actually quite liberating.

I can love you without liking you. I can want you to be happy without clinging to our friendship. Who knows, maybe my clinginess is part of the problem. Or maybe we are both great humans who don’t like one another that much.

My next step in this self-growth journey will be to be more confident in who I am regardless of how others feel about me. I can still value empathy and kindness while also spending time in mutually satisfying friendships.

Perhaps this is a higher level of empathy.

In either case, when I find myself wondering if you’re mad, or I did something wrong, I promise to leave you alone.

I think we’ll both be happier.

—

Previously Published on medium

***

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often

Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything

—

Photo credit: iStock