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Last week, I was honored to celebrate eight years of marriage to an intelligent, beautiful, powerful, and simply incredible human being.
I started to date the woman I would eventually marry when I was an undergraduate student at the University of Illinois at Chicago. We shared majors in African American studies and were enrolled in a course—African Americans and the Law—taught by Professor Kevin Lyles. We didn’t sit next to each other in class, but we shared the same row. I remember that I was initially impressed with her intelligence. Yes, I believed she was beautiful, but that did not spark my interest in getting to know her outside of class.
Gabriella was the type of student who consistently came prepared for class and added her informed opinions to every discussion. I quietly observed her and respected her thoughts and views for a while before developing the courage to find out if she was single. Thankfully, we had a mutual friend who introduced us and after some back and forth we began to date.
We dated for five years before I was ready to commit to a lifetime of partnership. During that time, I struggled with a form of masculinity that correlated manhood with the number of women in my life. I was afraid to acknowledge Gabriella beyond friendship, for fear that I was missing out on opportunities to be with other women.
My parents always exhibited a loving and committed union, but I still managed to adopt a form of heterosexual identity that equated marriage with weakness.
Eventually, I managed to quiet the voice of the boy inside me, step into the role of a man, and commit to a lifetime of partnership. Gabriella and I married December 31, 2009, in Mazatlán, Sinaloa Mexico—where we currently live with our three children. The decision to marry Gabriella was the best decision that I have made to date.
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In these eight years of marriage, we have experienced plenty as a couple and as individuals. We birthed three children (well she did the hard part, and I held her hand), bought a home together, and moved out of the country. Individually, we have finished graduate degrees and started businesses. Together, Gabriella and I have had an incredible journey. I believe we are just getting started down the path to building the life our dreams.
Among other positive aspects of our relationship, I believe it’s our ability to listen to each other that has empowered us to last these eight years. Our listening goes beyond our ears. We listen with our eyes and hearts, which helps us communicate on an even deeper level. I know when my wife needs me to offer advice and when she merely needs me to empathize and be an ear to her challenges. She understands when I need to be left alone and when I need a hug.
It has not always been like this. But like any successful relationship, we have found a way to get through our differences. When we were first married, I detested when she would ask me where I was going or when I would come back home. I didn’t like the feeling that she was keeping tabs on my whereabouts. On multiple occasions, I left the house without saying a word to her, which inevitably caused an argument when I returned.
Over time, I have learned that the more I slow down and just listen to what she is saying, the happier we are as a couple.
This significantly influences our home. John and Nan Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is one of the books I credit for teaching me the importance of listening to my spouse. Recently, I have started to read John Gray’s book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, in which he reiterates the importance of healthy two-way communication as an essential tool for healthy romantic partnerships.
So in a nutshell—boys, men, fathers, husbands, partners, guys or however you identify—if you’re looking for some marriage or relationship advice, eight years of my own experiences can be summed up in one word: LISTEN!
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Justin Follis on Unsplash