Men Must Set Fire to the Past

Picture a tugboat cruising smoothly through the harbor and into the sunset. A pleasant breeze cools the evening as a lone passenger standing on deck tosses overboard one life preserver ring, and then another, and another. They float and bob in the boat’s wake like a line of discarded Coke cans, each a bit of the past that distracted him from growing with the present moment.

The life preservers contain memories fixated on deeply flawed experiences: bullying as a kid, painful first loves, serious errors of judgment, missed career opportunities, bouts of addiction, family-of-origin issues, failed relationships — a list too long to name.

All things happen in the present. Whatever our past experiences, including the emotional brutality inflicted on us as boys, or our aspirations for becoming better men in the future, everything that has ever happened did happen in some present moment. In mindfulness practice, we pay close attention to the present moment because it is the crucible of our lives. Whoever we are as men, whatever we are as humans, is unfolding in the present moment.

Many men hold on to the past because it provides some sense of who they are today. Or so it seems. The reality is that most of us are burdened by past experiences, hanging on to these as if life preservers keeping us afloat as we walk into the unknown future.

We live in nostalgic times. So many men and women want to maintain and preserve their stories from lives well lived. We imagine that these are then passed along to interested and deserving children so that family history is preserved. But for some of us, life has been full of challenges, pitfalls and other hazards, and families with adult children are rarely as intact as this nostalgic picture suggests.

For many men who fall into the latter category, much of our lived history is not so desirable. Filled with deeply flawed experiences, we work to unburden ourselves of difficult and sometimes painful memories, since they tend to interfere with efforts to relax into the present moment.

We cannot fully embrace the persons we are today, in this present moment, while burdened with such an abundance of past memories.

Startling visual imagery sometimes arises when beginning a mindfulness meditation practice. Men are particularly susceptible to abstract images or image fragments, part of the usual kaleidoscope of mental wanderings to which our brains default when in a meditative state. Sometimes meaningless, but on many occasions strangely useful.

Tugboats are small but powerful marine vessels used for mooring or berthing a big ship into a harbor. Crucial but understated cogs in the machinery of merchant marine operations. Some years ago I had the opportunity to take a pleasure ride on one of these stout ships and the experience became imprinted in memory.

The experience became a powerful metaphor for me. Isn’t this what men do? I thought. Or at the very least, we men imagine our lives this way. Like titans, we work tirelessly to guide great ships into safe harbors. But unless you are a ship captain, your day-to-day life is probably nothing like this.

How do we unburden ourselves of past experiences filled with perceived flaws? Experiences that have become synonymous with shame, regret, anger and sorrow?

While it is important to learn from past experiences, there is no particular reason to keep the painful ones around like so many old socks in a drawer. Nothing recedes more permanently than the past.

Dubious nostalgia aside, the weight of the past can become overwhelming and prevent us from evolving — becoming self-reliant, self-assured and integrated people.

The tugboat seems to have an abundance of life preserver rings, curious for a vessel with such a small crew. One by one, the stranger tosses them overboard, and little by little the past recedes and the burden eases.

With each toss a gentle smile brightens the stranger’s face. He is freeing himself to fully experience the present moment. Like the Buddha, the stranger’s smile is wondrous and filled with mystery. For who shall know the sense of wonderment once absolved from the past?

We may envision the tugboat as Mother Earth and, like all of her passengers, the stranger’s presence is a mere flash of light and movement. His task completed, tears in his eyes, the tugboat cruises on unfazed. The stranger has so thoroughly relieved himself of past burdens that, for an instant, he becomes delightfully, astonishingly emergent into the present moment.

And if he is not prepared, this moment is gone in an instant.

Mindfulness meditation helps men prepare for any significant future that may arise. Learning to appreciate the essential qualities of the present moment opens our hearts and minds to a future filled with love and opportunity.

Vic Caldarola is the founder and lead facilitator of the Shine a Light Men’s Project, a men’s mindfulness discussion program. He holds a PhD in Communication Studies.