Men, Stop the Cat-calling and Women, Stop Normalizing It

It’s not cute to give unsolicited attention. Men, we know it’s all about you and not us. We need to stop reproducing the patriarchal views of 1800.

I have been journaling for a minute and I noticed a trend in my journal. I bet that if I didn’t document these experiences that I would just internalize all of it as “my fault” or “that’s just how it is.” I’m here to say there is a lot of gender inequality that we normalize and I’m done normalizing this. Some of this is really on men to help us fix but my female counterparts, I’ve got some ideas for you in Part II below.

I was raised with pretty solid values and self worth but all that got a bit mixed up in my 20s. Little did I realize my nonstop quest for the party and fun was an unhealthy coping mechanism. In full disclosure, maybe that’s not entirely true because I started therapy at 19, but the truth is that I didn’t really want to change, or admit what I was doing was running away from trauma and low self worth.

Now that that’s out of the way and you realize I am far from perfect, I am not proud to admit the fact that I have also acted stupidly in public so I’m not holding that against anyone.

We are all allowed to make mistakes. But if you’re willing to listen, I’m here to tell you what’s up!

I have often loved to flirt with strangers just to have fun. I enjoyed it. But now, post divorce and in a pandemic, I am just not feeling any of it, no real desire to flirt and I have no interest in new friends at the moment as I have enough already. Thank you friends!

Part I: The Home-Freaking-Depot

The thing is that I am working on my mental health and I have noticed some toxic patterns that really derail me on my journey. That leads me to the cat-calling and unsolicited attention. A few days ago, a dude in the paint aisle at Home Depot decided to cat-call me, when I was just trying to buy a light after work. Yes, I was dressed for work. I had on a dress and heels and I was pushing my cart past when I heard the voice loudly proclaim:

“You are pretty!”

Then

“You look nice” and a whistle.

I was stunned. I looked up at him, glared and shrugged as I walked that cart as fast as I could past him, I was all masked up, too. He didn’t leave it there.

“Why can’t you take a compliment? You are FINE.” But I was already down an aisle and seething with anger. Leave me the fuck alone!

I am not having it, you see.

It’s my life and my rules. I alone decide if I want to talk to you. I did not wear this dress for you, I had a meeting. I am shopping. Fuck you, dude.

You don’t get to speak to me. You especially don’t get to speak to me that way.

Fuck you!

This is not a construction site, it’s Home-freaking-Depot. Many women go in there all the time. We don’t sign up for this simply because we need to purchase home improvement.

If you’re female, you’re probably going, yeah, whatever, because it happens too much. We women know to blow it off and move on.

We are trained by society to just take this objectification. BUT I am not an object. Men who catcall, I protest your objectification of me. It’s 2021 let’s evolve past this, shall we?

It’s not cute and it’s not flattering. Isn’t it ridiculous to shout at a grown ass woman that she cannot take your “compliment” as if there is something wrong with her and not see that there is something seriously wrong with your own machismo, in a store?

You might be a construction worker but this is not a construction site, and even if it were, you’re still wrong for cat-calling. Might I add that I know many respectful men who work in construction and do not act this way. In fact, the vast majority of them would NOT act this way. Obviously, this is just one man. But I cannot count the number of times things like this have happened to me.

Men, why are you so insecure? What drives this need to yell at women you don’t know? Examine your own damn selves and your relationship to the patriarchy. How invested are you in keeping power and control, earning more than us and so many other injustices? Is it okay with you that your wife or girlfriend earns less? Wouldn’t it be better for a family if the gender pay gap were reversed? You’d have a higher income. Isn’t that a good thing?

Finally cat-callers and the rest of you, if a woman is fleeing upon seeing you it’s obvious that she doesn’t like what you’re doing.

So stop it. Instead try treating us as the equals we are and not your sexual objects. Stand with us and help fix these problems instead. Vote for Pro-Choice politicians. Demand they vote for equal pay. And let’s all pass the Equal Rights Amendment. Can you imagine how life would change for around 52% of the population? Plus, it would create a “trickle up” economic effect, according to most economists. Women who make more spend more and invest it.

Part II: Women in the Patriarchy

We should explore our role(s) in perpetuating this. We normalize this toxicity because we are taught to. We can unlearn this behavior.

Here is what some female friends posted when I complained about the Home Depot dude:

“I’d rather meet a guy in Home Depot than a bar.”

“He’d probably be really great at fixing things around the house” (a dig at my lazy ex-husband)

“I don’t know why you are complaining.”

and my favorite

“I just wish a man would notice me!”

Where do I start to unpack this?

I am not trying to meet anyone, not at Home Depot or a bar (or online). Why do you assume he can fix things if he is in a Home Depot? I’m in the Home Depot and I can only fix a few things. I am complaining because it is unjust and he violated my right to privacy. And, lastly, why do you think that this attention is ok?

It is not okay. It is actually very rude and designed to make the male look good at a woman’s expense, objectifying her. It asserts power over us. If we like male attention, that’s fine, but why should male attention be so important to us? And, this is negative attention.

Women, let’s be honest, our real enemy is the system that values males over females here, in pay, jobs and society. It’s called the patriarchy. That’s what is upheld when women are put down and that’s why it’s important to stand together.

Men are not the enemy to women’s autonomy and rights, but the patriarchy is. We all need to recognize it and work to dismantle these systems of oppression.

If this essay has changed your mind on anything let me know. I will read all the comments!

And, my last thought: Fuck the patiarchy!

—

Previously Published on medium

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often

Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything

—

Photo credit: iStock