Men’s Dating Coach Answers Why Do Women Hate Single Men

I wrote an article a while back called “Men’s Dating Coach Confronts Women With 10 Painful Truths” which is by far my most popular article on Medium to date. Last I checked, it had made over $1000, and that was weeks ago, so God knows what it’s on now.

In any event, the response to it has been fantastic, but there have been a couple of detractors, one of whom was a woman who sent me the following post in response:

She asserted that this article debunks my claims, so I asked her to provide the most salient points for me to comment on in good faith, and that’s exactly what I’m doing here. I’ll review the quotes she sent me from this article and give my thoughts.

FYI

Like I just said, I’m doing this in good faith. I have no issue with either her or the author, and am not here to start an internet war. If you’re hoping for a slanging match, you’ve come to the wrong place and might as well click away now.

Anyway, let’s get started.

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First statement: Women are fed up with shitty societal treatment

The issue isn’t that women are “anti-men”, it’s that women’ve gotten fed up with assholes and dudes who can’t be bothered to act like women are people. And, I dunno if you’ve looked around recently but that attitude is very much a top-down sort of situation.

When you’ve got state legislatures restricting basic health care for women and trying to legislate what women are allowed to wear, while also coming after no-fault divorce because prominent YouTubers complain that women are allowed to divorce their husbands “without his permission”… it’s hard to fault ‘em for it.

My response

So here’s the thing, I agree that men forget that women are people. You’ll see I mention it quite a lot if you read my stuff. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve had to remind a man that the pretty woman he’s talking to at a bar is a human being with a soul and interests. But women do it too.

Men aren’t real people to women, either. For instance, just two days ago, I was on the phone with a woman who laughed that her bisexual friend’s husband was insecure about her and worried she might have sex with his wife. But you know what? His wife IS attracted to her. She told me so herself, and said they often flirt in front of him so of course he’d be insecure about that.

Anyway, she laughs at her friend’s husband constantly and thinks he’s silly for being insecure. She said he called once to check on his wife, and she (the woman I spoke to) answered and did nothing but talk to him condescendingly about his fears.

I then asked her if she would do the same thing if the genders were reversed. I.E. if she were friends with a man whose wife was insecure about her. I asked if she would constantly flirt with him and laugh at his wife’s insecurity, to which she said:

Of course not. That’s girl code.

So in her world it’s fine for a man to put up with having his woman flirt with someone else right in front of him, but a woman should never have to deal with that because she has a vagina. That was her opinion.

She told me to my face that she thinks women’s emotions are far more important than men’s, and that’s telling.

This is just one example, but it highlights many women’s disconnect with how they perceive their emotions and men’s. Theirs are of the utmost importance, but ours don’t matter.

This whole notion of not seeing the opposite gender as a person is a two-way problem, and acting like women are angels who don’t play into it doesn’t do any good.

As for the top-down legislation talk, well, firstly, I don’t see what that has to do with the average man on the street, and secondly, the author glossed over it, so I can’t directly reply to anything in particular. What I will say is this, if we want to talk about structural inequalities, then we could also speak about competent and loving fathers being suicidal after being denied access to their children after divorces.

Or those with no children having their assets ripped away from them by cold-hearted bitches who use the legal system as a tool of revenge, meaning that for the rest of his life, this man needs to work to send half his salary to support a grown adult who easily could look after herself.

Or the fact that most homeless people are men. Or the fact that society as a whole still expects men to die for women in life or death situations.

Or the fact that all of the undesirable and dangerous jobs in society like waste disposal, plumbing, pest control, coal mining, construction and more are all staffed by men. Women seem to have no qualms whatsoever about that inequality which I find interesting.

As for the comment about YouTubers thinking a woman shouldn’t be able to divorce a man without his permission, I think the author was talking about a woman called Pearl Davis. But if so, that’s disingenuous because that’s not what she says. She thinks people shouldn’t be able to get divorced without the permission of their partners, which includes men too.

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Second statement: Men need to hone their social skills

Third: odds are also good that you’re not just choosing people who aren’t showing interest in you, but also you’re doing it badly. Work on your social calibration and learn how to read the room or else stick to places where it’s generally accepted that people are looking to talk to strangers and possibly get dates. NEXT! “

My response

Well look; the woman who sent this to me seems to be under the impression that I’m some whinger and moaner who wants everything done for me and tells men to expect the same thing. I’m nothing of the sort. I do nothing but show men how to navigate and thrive in the modern dating scene, so the fundamental message in this excerpt is something I agree with.

Men should work on themselves. Of course they should. Just because they’re in a system which is stacked against them doesn’t mean they should fold. That’s small dick energy and not what I’m about. So yeah, men should level up and work on their social skills and status. I 10000% agree.

Also, this guy seems to believe that obeying social norms is the key to success in dating, and I’m here to say that’s bs. If you look at the following stories, you’ll see I’m pretty adept at meeting women in socially unprescribed locations, the gym, for instance.

The key isn’t in following the rules. It’s in being a top-tier man for whom certain rules don’t apply. No woman’s sexual fantasies involve meeting a man in ‘appropriate’ normal social situations in which every prescribed norm was followed to the letter. They involve meeting cool guys in thrilling situations which stimulate their emotions. The trick for men is being adept enough to know where and when to break social doctrines.

It’s in having your shit together and radiating energy which makes women think:

Woah, I need to get to know this guy.

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Third statement: Society won’t let women make the first move

I should just wait for a woman to take initiative. Wait no women don’t take initiative in a culture where men make the first move.

Or women are just as shy and worried about talking to men they find attractive as men can be.

OR – and stick with me here – because we have a culture that still insists men are supposed to make the first move, guys tend to react badly when women make the first move and either assume far more interest than she actually has or that this is some sort of trick and either she’s setting him up or a sex-worker looking for a client.

And hey wanna know who established and enforce the “men initiate, women receive” social order? Here’s a hint: it wasn’t women. NEXT!

My response

I agree that women are just as shy about talking to men they’re attracted to. No argument from me there, and it’s something I say quite a lot. However, I disagree with his assertion that women are somehow being held back and not allowed to be sexually forward. They just don’t want to be.

Firstly, if society were against women making the first moves, you wouldn’t constantly see them doing so in movies and T.V. shows. You NEVER see the man make the first move on screen, always women because as a society that’s what we’re more comfortable with, even if it’s a wild fantasy. In fact, I actually wrote an article about it which you can see below.

Here’s the truth, most women today want the best of both worlds. They want the benefits of modern equality while still retaining those of the traditional system their suffragette ancestors rallied against. If what this author is saying were true, we’d have seen women campaigning for the right to approach men for the last century as they did with the right to vote, work, and have abortions.

However, they never mention being unable to approach men because 99% of them have zero desire to. They want men to come to them; we all know it’s a fact. You’ll never see women arguing for the ability to do so because, firstly, they already have it, and secondly, it’s not something they’re interested in.

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Fourth statement: Most men are creeps

But in the real world, the time you’re most likely to run into someone who has a problem with your being attracted to them, it’s almost always because you made your interest in them an issue that they can’t ignore or avoid.

There’re a lot of folks who would consider themselves to be “supreme gentlemen” who act like entitled asshats and do end-runs around things like” didn’t actually give you her contact information” and show up in her D.M.s or texts anyway.

Which is not just presumptive as fuck but creepy as hell, because it indicates that he does think that her desire to not be bothered is less important than his desire to try to get into her pants.

My response

There’s truth to this, these people do exist, but they’re honestly rare. Most men don’t do that. Also, the author is forgetting or unaware of so much. I’ve had conversations with many women who’ve said that if they don’t think a man is on a certain level of overall attractiveness, he’s not even allowed to look in their direction.

They literally get offended by him even contemplating the idea of having a chance with them. Women reading this will know they’ve had similar thoughts, too, and the thing is that when these men make approaches, they usually don’t get positive responses for no fault other than being undesirable.

When conversations like this occur, people seem to focus on the actions of a minority of men rather than the whole. But honestly, that makes sense because most men are completely invisible to women. They don’t even exist. The ones who do are the top-tier guys or the creeps who weird them out. Not the 70% of men whose existences don’t even register.

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Fifth statement: Men should go out and get lives

First, get the hell off the Internet. Seriously, I can tell where you’ve been hanging out and who you’ve been listening to, and it’s given you brain worms. You don’t just need to go outside and touch grass, you desperately need to go and interact with people in person, without a keyboard or filtering your thoughts through social media. I’m not being snarky here: you legitimately need to go talk to people with your mouth and actually connect with people in person, especially women. On that note:

My response

Yep, I fundamentally agree. Men need to get out and build their social skills. It’s something I always advise my clients to do.

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Sixth statement: Men should make friends with women

Second, make friends with women. Not “hang around women you’re hoping to date”, but make actual friends. Talk to them, get to know them and get some insight into what their lives are actually like instead of taking the word of a bunch of guys who hire sex workers to hang around them to try to trick social media into thinking that they’re successful with women. Getting to know women as people instead of acting like they’re your opponents will fix at least 50% of your problems here.

My response

I advise my clients to do this too. However, regarding his line about men acting like women are their opponents, I just want to reiterate that this is a double-sided issue. We need to stop acting like women are saintly beings for whom doing wrong is a foreign concept. They see men as ‘others’ too.

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Seventh statement: Men should build social circles

Third, have a life. Go out and do cool shit that you enjoy in ways that bring you in contact with other people who enjoy that same shit. Make friends with them, build a social circle and celebrate a human connection of the sort you can only have in the flesh with other people. Some of them may even be attractive women!

But wait, isn’t that a problem? No, not really because here’s the thing: if you get to know someone as a person and generally act like a decent human being who didn’t get all his talking points from the redpillteen subreddit, the more time you spend with someone, the more they like you.

Part of the reason why most folks meet their partners through either mutual friends or shared interests and activities is because propinquity is one of the strongest and yet most under-appreciated forces in attraction and dating.

My response

I advise my clients to do this too.

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Eighth statement: Cold approach isn’t the best way to meet women

Fourth: focus way the hell less on trying to cold-approach women. It’s a nice skill to have, but not only is it varsity level difficult, but it’s inefficient as hell. Even the folks who are very good at cold approaches have to shotgun it to get results, which means that they’re still dealing with a success-to-rejection ratio that’s heavily tilted in the rejection side.

My response

I agree with this, too, but I’d like to add that cold-approach is fantastic for building social skills and confidence. The bravery and ability it takes to approach a stranger you don’t know and speak to them in a way that makes them WANT to get to know you isn’t something that should be ignored. If you can do that, many other social doors open for you. Also, it leads to some pretty awesome adventures like the one below.

And also amazing encounters like those with the women in this video, all of whom except for one I had met on the street minutes earlier.

However, in terms of bang for your buck, he’s right. Cold approach has a relatively low rate of return. The main thing a man needs to attract women is status. As seen below, he needs to be a known face in whatever scene the women he wants to attract are present.

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Ninth statement: The men who approach women are creeps

Women who complain about guys approaching them in public spaces don’t mean someone being polite or who takes “no thanks” with good grace, they are talking about trying to go through the world with the sexual equivalent of walking down a street lined with carnival barkers, clipboard holders asking for donations and signatures and dudes trying to get you to take their mixtape.

Except all of them are hawking dick. And not even high-quality dick marketed to an interested audience in the market for it. Literally “you look like an appropriately shaped hole, let me tell you the good news about my dick.”

My response

This AND the guys they deem beneath them and hence unworthy to breathe the same air. AND the guys who are awkward and insecure, giving off weird energies for no other fault than being shy. Again, we’ve got to stop with the ‘men need work, women are amazing’ trope. They’re not perfect, not by a long shot.

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Conclusion: I agree with some points, disagree with others

Fundamentally, me and this guy agree on a lot of points. We both think men should get out, boost their social skills, and make themselves attractive to women. However, where we disagree is that he seems to think men cause all the problems in dating, whereas I say both genders play into it.

Again, this article was sent to me by a woman who’d read this:

And in response I want to clarify that:

I constantly advocate for men to level up & show them exactly how

She thought I was preaching for women to change their ways and accommodate men, but that wasn’t it. Would it be nice if some woman were to read that article, realise that men don’t live lives of unbridled privilege and be nicer to the next dude who shows interest? Sure. But I’m not pushing for it or holding my breath.

I had truths I wanted to get off my chest, so I did. That’s pretty much it. However, what I do is spend my time showing men how to level up in dating and life itself. That’s what I’m about.

When I was a boy, my mom used to say:

Ciaran, as a black person, you’re going to have to work ten times harder than these white people for them to give you even half the respect they give each other.

And you know how I took that? I took that to mean even if you’re at a disadvantage, you can still win if you dot your i’s and cross your t’s. So that’s exactly what I teach men to do. Judging by a couple of the replies to my article, some people thought I was a lonely man complaining about my sad lot in life, but that’s not close to being true.

All I was doing was using empathy to show women what the average man goes through, but that’s not my personal life experience.

I used to have a terrible time with women, for sure. But I worked hard, pushed myself out of my comfort zone repeatedly, and levelled up slowly but surely. Now, I routinely date a calibre of women that most men would pay to spend time with either digitally or in person, and that’s a testament to the work I’ve done on myself.

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See my client testimonials

The video below features men from around the world talking about how my coaching has transformed their lives, and why? Because I know what the hell I’m talking about. If I didn’t, my results wouldn’t be so life-changing.