Mental health has many faces and James Woodruff shares his story.
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I questioned everything. My boss appeared confident in my ability, but a voice in my head ate away at my self-confidence.
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Last week, I was feeling overwhelmed by work because of a new project I had been assigned. I’d been working tirelessly on it; editing, revising and researching. As the deadline got closer and closer, I started to worry about if I would finish it on time. More than that, I began to doubt myself.
Despite the fact that my boss sees something in me that qualified me to tackle the project, I was allowing the small voice in my head to poison my positive self-image.
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I questioned what made me so worthy of this potentially life-changing opportunity. I wondered if I deserved to be trusted with such an important role at the company. Despite the fact that my boss sees something in me that qualified me to tackle the project, I was allowing the small voice in my head to poison my positive self-image.
Like tremors in the mind
That’s what mental illness does. It breaks you down from the inside out. It penetrates the recesses of your mind–the cracks–and makes you think you are worthless, invisible, and undeserving.
That’s what mental illness does. It breaks you down from the inside out. It penetrates the recesses of your mind–the cracks–and makes you think you are worthless, invisible, and undeserving.
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We all know the general, fluid symptoms of mental illness. For the most part, those symptoms are easy. Insomnia, mood swings, weight changes, being overly tired, lowered sex drive. Those symptoms are common and don’t always become a big deal in relationships. They don’t often cause major issues since they’re manageable for loved ones and co-workers. However, many men are suffering in plain sight from symptoms that are ugly; so ugly that we try to hide them.
My mental illness
Men hide painful emotions because revealing them means admitting that we don’t have all the answers.
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On Sunday afternoon, a hashtag was started called #MyDepressionLooksLike. For a few hours, it was a top-trending topic. Within it, people of all ages were sharing their experiences of how depression manifests itself. In many of those tweets, I could see myself. Men hide painful emotions because revealing them means admitting that we don’t have all the answers.
I began seeing a therapist last year. It was a tough decision but it was the best for me because I was tired of living in a fog. Living with depression and anxiety feels like you’re a prisoner within your own mind. Sometimes, things blend together and you lose sight of what’s real and what’s not. So you find a way to just mute the emotions altogether.
Living with depression and anxiety feels like you’re a prisoner within your own mind. Sometimes, things blend together and you lose sight of what’s real and what’s not. So you find a way to just mute the emotions altogether.
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Often society doesn’t make room for a range of emotions to men. That freedom of emotion is even more narrow when it comes to mental illness. Whether we do it consciously or not, we judge how people, and specifically men, “act out” their symptoms. And if it doesn’t look the way we’ve been accustomed to witnessing it, then we don’t acknowledge it.
The point of the hashtag was for people to raise awareness to the fact that not everyone experiences depression (and other mental illness) the same way. The commonality among men, though, was that we shrink ourselves or we outright lie about mentally ill episodes. The explicit reasons why may have varied. But in general, people lie about depression and mental breakdowns because they’re ugly and embarrassing and hard to deal with.
The panic attack I had was the first one in a while
Whether we do it consciously or not, we judge how people, and specifically men, “act out” their symptoms. And if it doesn’t look the way we’ve been accustomed to witnessing it, then we don’t acknowledge it.
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My anxiety became so overpowering that I crumbled under the weight. For the following two days after my panic attack, I tried hard to put on appearances. It didn’t work though. I didn’t talk to anyone about it. I tweeted through it because that felt safe. Meltdowns breed isolation. Men tend to throw themselves into dangerous outlets so that they don’t become a burden. Isolation also lessens the likelihood of being called sensitive or weak; words that can be triggering for someone already on the brink.
Meltdowns breed isolation. Men tend to throw themselves into dangerous outlets so that they don’t become a burden. Isolation also lessens the likelihood of being called sensitive or weak; words that can be triggering for someone already on the brink.
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I used to regret that I found out about my anxiety so late in life. However, I’m glad that I’ve learned how to be more assertive in handling my anxiety and depression. It took awhile to be comfortable with who I am and to not feel like I have to compare myself to others. What I also have to understand is that none of us have it all figured out. Whatever ugly ways your mental illness manifests itself, it does not have to be a definitive label on your life.
Also by James Woodruff
How Therapy Made Me a Better Man | 3 Steps to Rebuilding Trust After One Partner Cheats |
5 Ways You Sabotage Your Relationships Without Even Realizing It |
A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything |
Photo by Andrew Mason