The rules of dating are constantly changing, and everyone is just trying to figure it out as they go. But don’t worry, I’ve got you covered, from cutting each other some slack and focusing on shared values to ghosting the bad eggs and setting healthy boundaries.
Every other day I’m hit with some god-awful tik tok dating advice from someone who keeps choosing poor partners, so they cast a wide net on the behavior of all species of that gender.
When will the madness of shitty and oversimplified advice stop?
Not anytime soon, unfortunately. We live in a world filled with the lowest common denominator of information. People tend to believe information that confirms their existing beliefs, even if it’s not true. So if someone tells you a coffee date is disrespectful and shows they’re not making an effort. Suppose you’ve had one bad experience on a coffee date. You’re far more prone to follow that piece of advice.
The availability heuristic is where people rely on readily available information rather than seeking out more accurate information. Bad advice and popular opinions are based on emotional content that can be more appealing and attention-grabbing than factual information.
A: Don’t let a man take you out on a date to the park; you’re a high-value woman. Not a dog! Men should take their dogs for a walk in the park. Not you!
B: going on a date in the daytime in a largely public and busy park allows you both to connect effortlessly and based connection on how you initially communicate.
Which one sounds more polarizing? Which one sounds more emotional and prompts a rise in comments and discussion? Unfortunately, point A will most likely get the most attention.
The spread of false information can be amplified by social media algorithms, which prioritize content that is more likely to be shared and engaged with, regardless of its accuracy.
“Alie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes.” — Mark Twain
“You must love sports!
A stupid misconception about dating is the idea that shared interests are the key to a successful relationship. I love sports; I’ve been playing football since I was 6, and I still box and spar to this day. But every now and then in my single days, I’d see a woman talk about how important it was to go to games and be active and play sports.
Sounds good, right? But you should never base your future with someone just on a couple of shared interests. They help, but they’re not a predicating factor of a good relationship. For example, my partner hates sports. I still love the pants off of her, though!
It’s like ordering pizza. Just because you and your date both like pepperoni doesn’t mean it’s a perfect match; it’s the combination of the crust, sauce, cheese, and toppings that make it work. As the saying goes, “opposites attract,” and sometimes, it’s those differences that make a relationship thrive.
In reality, shared values are much more important in the long run.
Let’s continue with that corny analogy I just dropped. Here are eight delicious values that can make for a mouth-watering relationship:
1.Honesty — You know what they say, honesty is the best policy. It’s like a pizza crust, it forms the foundation of your relationship. Without honesty, your relationship is like a soggy crust — nobody likes that.
2. Respect — Respect is like a cheesy topping that makes your relationship ooze with love and appreciation. It’s important to respect each other’s boundaries, opinions, and feelings. Just like a pizza with extra cheese, respect is always a good idea.
3. Communication — Communication is the tomato sauce of your relationship. It adds flavor, spice, and everything nice. Without communication, your relationship can be dry and flavorless. So, make sure to pour on the communication sauce.
4. Empathy — Empathy is like a delicious meat topping that adds depth and richness to your relationship. It’s important to understand your partner’s perspective, feelings, and experiences. Without empathy, your relationship can be bland and one-dimensional.
5. Trust — Trust is like a savory herb that adds a distinct aroma and flavor to your relationship. It’s important to trust each other, be faithful, and keep your promises. Just like a pizza with the perfect blend of herbs, trust is essential for a tasty relationship.
6. Kindness — Kindness is like a sweet topping that adds a touch of warmth and comfort to your relationship. It’s important to be kind, compassionate, and considerate towards each other. Just like a pizza with a hint of sweetness, kindness makes your relationship more enjoyable.
7. Humor — Humor is like a spicy topping that adds some heat and excitement to your relationship. It’s important to laugh, joke around, and have fun with each other. Just like a pizza with some jalapeños, humor can make your relationship sizzle.
8. Adventure — Adventure is like a bold topping that adds some excitement and variety to your relationship. It’s important to explore new things, try new experiences, and have some fun. Just like a pizza with some adventurous toppings, your relationship can be an exciting and satisfying journey.
“They were a narcissist!”
I swear to god I went through a period of dating women where on the first date, they would all say their ex was a red flag or a narcissist. Unless they can spell that word or know what the psychological term is, they should avoid that term. Especially cause everyone has a bit of narcissism in them.
To be an actual narcissist is very rare. It’s estimated that around 6.2% of the general population has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a clinical diagnosis characterized by extreme levels of narcissism that significantly impair social functioning.
But even those who do not meet the clinical criteria for NPD still exhibit some level of narcissistic tendencies, which is known as subclinical narcissism. In fact, some level of narcissism can be beneficial for survival and reproductive success. Narcissistic traits, such as confidence and assertiveness, can make individuals more attractive to potential mates and help them to achieve success in competitive environments. So choose your battles.
If you have social media and have just one post you’ve created with you in it, this self-promotion culture increases levels of narcissism, and you’re a part of it. So relax and stop putting that label on everyone unless you’re willing to delete all of the social media you have and never post a day in your life.
Not everyone is a red flag. Sometimes they have different values or paradigms that don’t align with you. Let them go and keep it moving. They have no reason to live rent-free in your head.
“Date as many people as you want! It’s 2024.”
This is easy for people with a lot of money or who are the recipients of having dates paid for them. But from an objective standpoint, it’s emotionally draining, and if done for too long and too much, you’ll get lost in a sea of unrealistic expectations.
Dating multiple people can also be energy-draining, and that’s okay. I suggest focusing on one person at a time and figuring out schedules, rather than trying to juggle multiple relationships at once. If you can juggle flaming bowling balls while riding a unicycle on a tightrope. Sure, it might look impressive, but it’s bound to end in disaster. It’s much safer (sexually) and more rewarding to focus on one person at a time, just like how a skilled juggler focuses on one ball at a time before adding more to the mix. I think multiple first dates are fine if you’re able to choose one person from that to go on some other dates with. But multiple 2nd, 3rd, and 4th dates with different people is a time suck. At this point, you should have refined your decision-making processes much better.
“Don’t text them back immediately; match their frequency or wait a few hours.”
Who the fuck cares!? Look if you have to be this strategic with basic communication with someone. It’s not worth it. Text when you can. But don’t purposefully drag it out. It’s a dated tactic that people know you’re doing. You can’t piss on someone and tell them it’s raining. They know better. Obsessing over text frequency gives you a self-created headache; stop playing games, and start focusing on building real connections with the people you’re dating.
Because, at the end of the day, that’s what truly matters in any relationship. a study by the dating app Hinge found that people who waited more than 3 hours to reply to a message were 2.7 times more likely to receive a response than those who replied immediately.
In a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, overthinking text messages and worrying about their frequency can lead to increased anxiety and negative feelings about the relationship.
Building a genuine connection with someone involves open and honest communication. Purposefully dragging out text conversations can create confusion and misunderstandings, which can ultimately harm the relationship. Entertaining any of this is like putting yourself in a cannon, shooting yourself out, and complaining as soon as you land. You did it to yourself!
Ghosting is good!
There have been plenty of women that have ghosted me after a first date. I took the message loud and clear and kept it moving. It was a 1-hour date, but at the very least, I got to practice my communication skills. Ghosting may be frowned upon by many, but let’s face it, sometimes it’s necessary. We’ve all come across those people who suck, and there’s no need to waste any more time or energy on them. Ghosting may seem harsh, but it’s a necessary evil in the dating world. Only “legal” on the first date. Anything after that deserves a text or call if you’re brave! I heard of a story of a lady who had a guy grab her ass on the first hug when they met. She left after 30 minutes. She had every right to ghost. Ghosting is not always a bad thing.
Ghosting may not be the most popular opinion, but sometimes it’s the best thing for both parties involved. Remember, you deserve to be in a healthy and happy relationship.
“Fuck yes!”
The Law of Fuck Yes or No, as outlined by Mark Manson, is a powerful tool for understanding what we truly want in a relationship. It doesn’t mean that we have to be head over heels in love at first sight or that we have to be completely convinced that someone is right for us. It simply means that we should approach potential relationships with a sense of excitement and positivity rather than settling for less than we deserve.
But as per usual, people take it out of context and misunderstand this concept, thinking that it means that their date has to be perfect in order for them to feel a “fuck yes” about the relationship. This couldn’t be further from the truth. The Law of Fuck Yes or No is about finding someone who we are genuinely excited about getting to know better and who feels the exact same way about you and matches your energy.
According to Mark Manson, the author who popularized this concept, relationships should be approached with a “Fuck Yes” attitude. This means that we should only pursue relationships with people who truly excite and inspire us rather than settling for something less than what we really want.
Studies have shown that people who approach relationships with a positive and enthusiastic attitude are more likely to experience long-term happiness and fulfillment. For example, a study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology found that people who approached their relationships with a sense of passion and enthusiasm were more likely to experience feelings of love, satisfaction, and commitment.
“You must choose the people who inspire, who bring energy, who make you feel good about yourself and your life. That’s what the Law of Fuck Yes or No is about.” — Mark Manson
He argues that settling for mediocre relationships can lead to long-term dissatisfaction and regret.
According to a survey by the dating app Hinge, people who followed the Law of Fuck Yes or No were more likely to experience successful and fulfilling relationships. The survey found that people who only pursued relationships with those who they were truly excited about were more likely to be in happy, committed relationships.
“Dating apps are just as bad as dating IRL”
I’ve been saying this! A douchebag online is the very same douchebag in real life. I also believe dating apps don’t suck any worse than the “old fashioned” in-person methods. Sure, it’s different, but in-person singles culture sucked horribly too. Some people are just as vapid, vain, egotistical, and annoying to deal with, just like on any app.
The idea that people’s behavior online is a reflection of their behavior in real life is supported by numerous studies. A study conducted by the University of California, Berkeley found that people who exhibit “dark triad” personality traits (narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy) in real life are more likely to engage in self-promotion and deception on social media. This suggests that the same people who are unpleasant in real life are also unpleasant online.
Furthermore, a study by the Pew Research Center found that 57% of online daters have had a positive experience with dating apps, while only 21% have had a negative experience. This suggests that dating apps are not inherently worse than traditional dating methods. This fallacy needs to be buried.
I’m fully aware that people may behave differently online than they do in person. This is because the anonymity and distance provided by the internet can lead to a sense of disinhibition, causing people to behave in ways they might not in real life.
But this article is more than a rant.
So here are some cool things you can do right meow!
Here are six unique tips based on all of the above:
- Cut each other some slack and focus on shared values: When dating, try to focus on shared values rather than solely on shared interests. It’s important to have some separate interests to maintain individuality, but shared values are key in the long run.
- Ghosting the bad eggs: Sometimes, it’s necessary to ghost someone who just isn’t a good fit for you. Remember that you deserve to be in a healthy and happy relationship.
- Set healthy boundaries: set healthy boundaries when dating to avoid getting emotionally drained. Focus on one person at a time and figure out scheduling, rather than trying to juggle multiple relationships at once.
- Don’t obsess over text frequency: Purposefully dragging out text conversations can create confusion and misunderstandings, which can ultimately harm the relationship. Instead, focus on building real connections with the people you’re dating.
- Follow the Law of Fuck Yes or No: Pursue relationships only with people who truly excite and inspire you, rather than settling for something less than what you really want.
- Don’t believe everything you hear: Don’t take bad or oversimplified dating advice at face value. Take time to research and find accurate information to make informed decisions about dating.
Ultimately:
Navigating the world of dating can be wild and unpredictable, and it’s easy to get caught up in bad advice and misconceptions. But don’t lose hope! By focusing on shared values, setting healthy boundaries, and following the Law of Fuck Yes or No, you can find a relationship that truly excites and inspires you. Don’t believe everything you hear, and remember that you deserve to be in a healthy and happy relationship. With a positive and enthusiastic attitude, you can approach dating with excitement and find long-term happiness and fulfillment.
Are you ready to take your first dates from mediocre to mind-blowing? Look no further, my friends! I have the secret weapon you need in my new book, “The First Date Fix,” available now on Amazon. With practical tips and advice for making a great impression on your first date, you’ll be well on your way to finding love or at least having a fun and enjoyable evening. Plus, for even more dating tips and tricks, make sure to follow me on Instagram, Pinterest, TikTok, and Youtube. I promise you won’t regret it. Don’t let another first date pass you by without making the most of it. Get “The First Date Fix” today and start your journey to success in the dating world!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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