My First Girlfriend Triggered My Codependency

But codependency attracted an unhealthy, anxiety-filled relationship.

Why Understand and Heal Codependency?

• To free yourself from the anxiety of relationships.
• To help place your focus on other areas of your life — career, health, friends, family, hobbies, and joy
• To find partners you have an authentic connection with and will support you along life’s journey
• To improve your communication to meet your needs, wants, and desires

. . .

What is Codependency?

Melody Beattie — the author of Codependent No More — defines a codependent person as one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.

22 Signs of Codependency

1. Low-self esteem and confidence
2. Worth-based upon external factors: opinions of others, money, fame, physical looks
3. Excessive judgment of self and others
4. Inability to own and express your reality
5. Inability to know what “normal” is
6. Difficulty reacting to change
7. Self-doubt about decision making
8. Isolation or fear of people
9. Hypersensitivity to criticism
10. Addiction to drugs, alcohol, drama, excitement, and distraction
11. Fear of being abandoned
12. Tendency to find partners that need “fixing” or “help”
13. The urge to control others or themselves to avoid conflict and pain
14. Rigidity and black and white thinking
15. Feeling responsible for others’ thoughts, feelings, and behaviors
16. Only feel worthy when giving
17. Feeling uncomfortable receiving compliments, gifts, and intimacy
18. Excessive need for reassurance and approval
19. Overthinking and overanalyzing the words and behaviors of others
20. Inability to end and walk away from relationships
21. Inability to say no or set boundaries
22. Saying yes when you feel no, or no when you feel yes

. . .

My First Girlfriend

I knew I was in trouble the moment I laid eyes on her.

She was a short, slender brunette; curly hair, dark eyes, and casually but sexily dressed — leggings with a sweatshirt and beanie.

I moved and was a new employee at a local Starbucks. As soon as she came in, everyone said hi.

“Definitely a regular,” I thought.

A couple of my male coworkers were googly-eyed and overly excited, waggling their tails to talk to her.

As I was making her drink, I made small-talk. I was anxious and nervous as anyone is when they meet a person that snaps them out of the haze of everyday life.

One of my female coworkers was close enough with her to have had her phone number. My coworker told me the brunette beauty thought I was cute.

I played it off as if I didn’t know who she was referring to.

“Who?” I inauthentically questioned.

(Coworker describes her.)

“I don’t know who you’re talking about. I’ll remember when I see her.”

But internally, my heart was doing cartwheels.

I knew I had to make a move the next time she came in.

As I was making drinks, I look up and see her in line.

My nerves shake my body as if I was in a one-person earthquake.

I begin to talk to her. I was almost done making her drink and sensed our interaction was coming to an end.

“Shit, I have to go for her number now,” I anxiously thought.

I don’t know how, but we were talking about donuts, and I love donuts. So I said, “I’ll love you forever if you bring me donuts.”

“Deal,” she said.

“I can’t marry someone I don’t know. Takedown my number,” I suggest because I couldn’t have my phone on me while making drinks.

(Smooth, I know.)

My codependency is triggered most during the beginning phases of a relationship, especially getting to know someone via text.

“Why hasn’t she responded? Did I say something wrong? What should I say? How long should I wait between texts?”

If it weren’t for work and not being by my phone, I probably would have gone crazy.

I knew early on we weren’t meant for each other.

She had just been arrested for a DUI. She liked to drink, smoke, and party. She wasn’t going to school and had no future plans. And she ate pizza, burgers, and fries, only (not kidding), and her idea of exercise was going to the jacuzzi.

I never was much of a drinker or partier because I’m very introverted. I eat healthily and exercise almost every day. And I was going to school and working full-time to make something of my life.

But I couldn’t walk away. I rationalized our incompatibility by convincing myself of traits that made us suitable. Like every human on earth, she had positive qualities.

She was playful and caring and my physical attraction to her set my soul on fire. But the cons outweighed the pros, and my codependency wasn’t willing to accept the truth.

She had episodes of rage and anger that I attempted to tame and soothe. But my efforts left me exhausted. And I lost her respect and attraction because she sensed my self-sacrificing nature.

She had intimacy issues which I compassionately understood. But I’m a human, and all humans have physical intimacy needs that need to be met. Instead of voicing my frustrations, I pretend to be content and happy. But she felt the truth.

Because she didn’t have a license, I had to drive her everywhere. While in the car, she’d often vent about her frustrations at work, and I’d listen and felt anxiety to give perfect advice to make her feel better.

When she began to pull away and flake on our dates and hangouts, I’d freak out. I assumed I did something wrong and feared she was getting sick of me and would break up with me. To avoid rejection, I spent these nights reading and watching videos about relationships. I finished books within a night, frantically looking for answers.

One night, I woke up in the middle of sleep in a panic because the thought of her leaving me was scarier than my worst childhood nightmare.

But I hit my boiling point. On my last day of the spring semester and the first day of summer break, her inconsistent moods triggered an authentic response of anger and a request for change.

I knew her issues (as well as mine) required professional help. I asked her if she’d be willing to go to therapy. She said no.

And I said, “OK, we’re done”, and walked off.

That was the last time I saw or spoke to her.

. . .

Final Thoughts

Healing from trauma and codependency is a lifelong journey.

My first girlfriend, my first committed relationship, occurred six years ago.

I still struggle with codependent tendencies.

I was a caretaker, pushover, and an anxious mess during my hot and cold relationship with the girl I liked more than the others a year ago.

I continue to experience anxiety during online conversations.

I often feel the urge to delete the apps, reject invitations to public outings, and hide in my room only to leave to eat, drink, and go to the bathroom.

But I’ve come along way and improved a lot.

I feel more comfortable walking away from people that aren’t meant for me. Interestingly, my ease to walk generates attraction.

I authentically say no to invitations, peer pressure, comments, or behaviors that don’t feel right.

I’ve taken relationships, approval, acceptance, and love off the giant pedestal they rested upon my whole life, allowing me to focus on writing, school, and hysterically laughing while playing video games with my brother.

And I unstrapped myself from the emotional rollercoaster from hell when I released the need for external validation.

Healing is challenging. Our minds and bodies are addicted to patterns of thought, feeling, and behavior.

It’s a daily commitment to practice awareness and discipline to improve myself.

My motivation to continue on the path is two-fold:

To improve my connections with others. But more importantly, improve my connection with myself.

—

This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

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