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I have a boyfriend of three years. We both love each other a lot and have been in a long distance relationship ever since we started dating. We meet once every 5-6 months and have a decent sex life. But lately, there’s a sudden increase in my sex drive and I wish my boyfriend lived in the same city as mine so we could have sex more often.
It wasn’t too long ago that I met a guy through mutual friends at a club, started talking and before I realized we were in bed together. Ever since then, we’ve been seeing each other almost every Friday evening after work for sex. I don’t have feelings for him and neither does he but we just want to have sex with each other all the time. No strings attached absolutely!
My friends always moralize me about how I am cheating on my boyfriend but I have never felt the guilt and shame because it’s just sex for me. Period.
I love my boyfriend even now and nothing has changed between us and I don’t intend on telling him about this because it simply doesn’t mean anything more than sex to me. I don’t want to lose him.
I read in one of your articles that women easily get bored of monogamy and I think that’s my problem. Before I met this new guy I had had sex only with my boyfriend and it sort of bothered me not knowing how it felt with another man.
‘Recent research conducted by Meredith Chivers, PhD, of Queen’s University shows that females are naturally as desiring of sex as men and more easily bored by monogamy.’
Am I weird and promiscuous or a nymph? What should I do? I simply want to do things that make me happy and this does. But I can’t continue this way, can I?
Regards,
Not-so-guilty-as-charged
Hey there, Not so Guilty,
So, you’ve been together for 3 years and have only been able to see him 9 times or so? I am not sure that this is so much about your ability to be monogamous as it is a symptom that a long distance relationship isn’t working for you. After all, you’ve been pretty monogamous with your Friday date. You’re not choosing a different guy every week and you said it yourself, if your boyfriend lived closer to you, you’d be wanting to have sex with him!
It’s easier to just have sex with someone else rather than talk about what you need and expect from your current relationship.
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It’s normal to not be satisfied with only having sex a few times out of the year. Your sex drive may not have even increased but clearly your patience in waiting for your boyfriend has decreased.
That’s the real issue here. If you want to continue with your boyfriend and imagine your future with him, you have to talk to him about your dissatisfaction and get really clear on your needs. How long will the two of you be long distance? Is there a way to add sexual play to your interactions while you are apart so that you can be sexual with him, even if you’re not physically together?
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In getting your needs met outside the relationship, you are avoiding the tough talk. It’s easier to just have sex with someone else rather than talk about what you need and expect from your current relationship. Asking for phone sex, internet play, or something of the like can feel pretty vulnerable. I get that.
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Right now, you’re building the foundation of your relationship and without honesty and clear expectations of needs and expectations, that foundation is unstable. It doesn’t matter that for you, it’s just sex and doesn’t mean anything, it would likely mean a hell of a lot to your boyfriend! Something that would affect him affects you if you’re choosing to have a relationship that comes with the expectation of monogamy.
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It’s fine that you don’t have any strings attached with your Friday night date but you’re cutting the strings attached between you and your boyfriend. Those strings matter a lot when you choose a committed relationship and have sex outside of that relationship.
Communication is the oxygen that feeds and nourishes relationships and when you keep secrets, you’re siphoning off the oxygen supply.
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If you’re choosing to be in a committed relationship, choices that simply make you happy without regards for how they will affect your partner, are usually bad news for the relationship. It sounds like you’re enjoying sex and that you’re wanting to explore your sexuality with more than one person. That’s ok. That’s common, especially for people without a lot of sexual or relationship experience. It doesn’t make you a “nymph” by any means. It just might mean that you don’t want to be in a committed relationship right now.
If you’ve changed your mind and want an open relationship, you’re going to have to say so. This isn’t a moral thing. It’s a relationship thing. Relationships need open and honest communication in order to thrive. Communication is the oxygen that feeds and nourishes relationships and when you keep secrets, you’re siphoning off the oxygen supply.
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Get really clear and honest with yourself. What do you want? What do you need? Get clear and then talk to your boyfriend. He might say no. He can be a good guy, just not good for you. You might realize that you’re just not in a place where you really want to commit to one man and one relationship.
You just have to say so out loud in order to have the life and love you want. You need a solid foundation in order to have a solid love. Otherwise, you’ll be making repairs long into the future.
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Geez, get some therapy. You got issues. You don’t deserve to be with anybody right now. You are 50 shades of f*cked up.
He’s probably getting some strange on the side too. What he dont know won’t hurt, and vise versa.
You haven’t told him and you’re not going to tell him makes you a cheater.
you should’ve asked him to move closer to you. he’d lose his job rather than sharing you with another dude. deep down you know that. to hell with those hardwiring stuff. you are not a barbarian. there is still time, demand your bf to move closer to you. if he don’t, that means he doesn’t care.then you can continue your promiscuity. maybe your your bf is also being shared.
LOL! Wow!
“I don’t intend on telling him…” – Says it all.
I read the articles on this site because I’m purely interested how others feel about life in general. However, it is disheartening this “chick” was able to write about being a dishonest and thinks its ok. Honesty, is key in relationships and in life. So please get your life together then start talking about relationships.
“……..and men sometimes can’t connect emotionally until they’ve had some physicality (not sex…just some physical touch). ” I am so glad you said this Heather. There are so many women who dismiss their partner’s desire for sex as being devoid of intimacy. Instead, they see his desires for sex as “sex for the sake of sex.” I am a man who see sex with the woman I love as deepening the bond and emotional connection we share. I need an emotional connection to feel the passion that comes with the sex…Hence, my dislike of casual sex/hookups…. Thanks for noting how… Read more »
I wonder how understanding the young woman would be if she discovered her boyfriend having weekly ‘no strings attached’ sex with another woman. Would she feel it’s OK because, you know, it’s not like he loves her or anything.
She doesn’t tell her bf because she knows he will leave her. The rest is just her rationalizing her choices and looking for someone to validate them. He’ll figure it out eventually, these things rarely stay hidden forever. She’ll probably write in again about how he just doesn’t understand.
Diz is completely right. She is simply rationalizing her justification for cheating. That’s what it is. She even went so far as to say she doesn’t want to tell her boyfriend because she knows she’ll lose him. She needs to break it off with her boyfriend. Right now she’s about having her cake and eating it too at the expense of any ethics or honesty with her boyfriend. She’s destroyed the trust and is currently lying by omission. Her boyfriend can do much better.
“If you’re choosing to be in a committed relationship, choices that simply make you happy without regards for how they will affect your partner, are usually bad news for the relationship.” Ditto!!!! It’s not just all about me me me……When are people going to realize this? Heather, I was reading a blog of a women studies professor at college in California (i will see if i can find it)….She started asking her students each semester the following: Which is more intimate, holding hands or intercourse? To her shock and amazement, the majority of her students stated holding hands. The majority… Read more »
Jules, I think women have been programmed that sex is something that they should only want for love whereas men are told about their biological urges so women who have had healthy sex drives and interest in sex for the sake of sexual pleasure have been shamed. That’s likely why Not So Guilty feared she was a nymph for wanting more sex and being curious about sex. Many women are conditioned to think and feel that. As a couples counselor, I do think that it’s still rather true that women need intimacy in order to feel connected sexually and men… Read more »