My Least Popular Narcissism Article: Why? It's Complicated

Narcissism (true narcissism) is undeniably a form of evil. If you’ve been at the receiving end of an individual who lacks empathy you understand the danger.

I knew before I hit publish the article in question would not be well received.

I left a diagnosed narcissist.

A psychologist told me he was one of the three most severe personalities he had ever counseled. Unfortunately, I initially took this as validation. Phew, I’m not crazy. This man really is two very different people.

He is alternatingly charming and excruciatingly cruel.

But I should have run.

Again, I knew this article would be controversial.

I’ll get to that in a minute.

I’ve spent a decade in counseling and research on the topic of narcissistic personality disorder. I’m a journalist and relationship columnist. Narcissism is so complex there are still aspects I don’t feel qualified to delve into. There’s a reason counselors can’t always identify an individual with a narcissistic personality disorder.

It takes a psychologist, psychiatrist, or therapist who is highly specialized in the field of narcissism to discern this troubling disorder.

Love bombing, gaslighting, and flying monkeys — Are behavioral components of narcissism. These have become popular descriptors yet I’ve never used any of them.

I explain the reason in Why I Won’t Say a Narcissist Love Bombs

I know why it was unpopular.

People involved with narcissists identify with these terms. I get it. But there are complexities to each of them and it’s why I’ve finally written about it. You can understand why if you read the piece.

The lack of receptivity to an article explaining the obvious complexities of narcissism baffles me. Especially since the field of psychology will echo not only the intricacies of narcissism but the confusion I explain in using and properly identifying these terms.

It begs the question:

How many people are with a narcissist or simply believe they are with one?

You’ll need to read my article to see if you understand what I am attempting to convey. But I’ll give some further explanation below.

Narcissism is a disorder, not a label

Narcissism is a serious personality disorder.

It is a diagnosis, not a label.

Let me explain the difference. I could be labeled a divorced woman. I could be labeled overweight thanks to my thirty pounds of divorce gain. I could be labeled generous. These are monikers society uses to positively or negatively describe people.

They are not a medical diagnosis.

We have a serious responsibility when we write about a narcissistic personality disorder because it’s not a label. We need to protect and assist the reader and the information that flows from there. Our stories need to be heard because this is horrific abuse. We can’t assume the individual reading understands the full complexities of this disorder or has received the assistance of a counselor.

I’ll give this off-topic example of label versus diagnosis:

Recently on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, the term alcoholic was used in regard to Erika Girardi. Alcoholism is a serious illness. It’s not a label to be tossed around. A person drinking during a bad time in their life is dangerous because alcohol is insidious. It can take over a person’s life. However, it doesn’t mean someone is an alcoholic. It means they are abusing alcohol during a difficult time. Could they become one? Yes. Because drinking is a happy man’s game.

But people shouldn’t throw around the diagnosis of a serious illness.

Most narcissists will never be diagnosed

The majority of narcissists will never be diagnosed. A narcissist will not seek treatment because their lack of empathy prevents them from seeing outside of their world and into the world of another. They are absent of any type of self-reflection or awareness.

For this reason, they will never believe they are a narcissist.

All the more reason we need to be careful writing and talking about the topic.

It’s two-fold. There are people suffering at the hands of a narcissist, confused, and not certain who and what they are dealing with. Yes, these terms are helpful but they’re also confusing. And they are being written about individually when they are cluster components of narcissism. An individual who gaslights does not a narcissist make.

Secondly, the misuse of these words may unfairly label someone a narcissist.

Narcissists are generally identified by secondary means, i.e., marriage counseling, addiction treatment, or when they receive some other type of medical/counseling help. Disclaimer: This does not mean all narcissists have addiction issues, it simply means this is one of the other means by which they are diagnosed.

Narcissistic traits vs narcissistic personality disorder

The other reason I clarify the confusion of these terms is not everyone who has narcissistic traits is a narcissist.

An asshole does not a narcissist make.

Although I frequently use this term when I’m frustrated. A jerk is not a narcissist. There is plenty of selfish, spoiled, self-consumed, gaslighting, bullying difficult personalities in the world.

And narcissism is a spectrum.

An individual can have a few narcissistic qualities. This doesn’t make them true narcissists. The man I left had a combination of narcissistic characteristics along with a critical lack of empathy putting him on the severe end of the spectrum and thus, having a narcissistic personality disorder.

The lack of empathy is what makes a narcissist so abusive and frightening.

If you wonder what a lack of empathy looks like, read My Conversations With a Narcissist. These are twelve real conversations with my ex-husband. He is a covert narcissist.

These exchanges identify the cold cruelty that accompanies a lack of empathy.

They aren’t nasty or heated, though believe me we had plenty of those. They are meant to demonstrate how a narcissist is off and how they do not react like normal empathetic human beings. They are also meant to show a distinct pattern in my relationship with my ex-husband.

These weren’t a few one-off interactions.

They weren’t when we were fighting and he was angry. They weren’t when he was stressed or exhausted. They weren’t when he was going through a crisis. They weren’t because of the true demands of a job.

They were the type of bizarre interactions that you ask yourself…Who does that? Who says that? Because healthy individuals are empathetic enough to care about the people they love as well as others.

Wrapping it up

Narcissism is complicated and people are suffering at the hands of narcissists.

Most narcissists are not diagnosed which means a lot of people are guessing they are or were with a narcissist. Anything that can be done to clarify the abuse of a seriously frightening disorder should be welcome.

*If you would like to read more of my stories and support me as a writer, consider signing up to become a Medium member. For just $5 a month, you will get unlimited access to Medium.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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