For the past year, my six-year-old son has been seeing a child psychologist. Every month, we go to the “play doctor,” where I sit in the waiting room as he engages in play therapy for 45 minutes. Then, the doctor calls me back to address my son’s issues and answer my questions. Once I realized many of my son’s behaviors were rooted in his anxiety, I could better understand and help him.
Struggles
While many children struggle when there is a break in their routine or they are trying new activities, my son responds to these things with excessive anxiety. He does fine on normal school days, but if there’s something out of the ordinary, like a book fair or a field trip, I spend days, sometimes weeks, preparing him — repeatedly explaining what will happen, who will be there, and what he should be doing during that time. One day, his school had a fun run. My mother and I left work early to watch, but my son ended up being the only child who didn’t run because he was too scared.
I’ve found a few methods over the past year that have helped assuage my son’s fears and manage his anxiety.
1. Using the Five Senses
For months, my son had trouble expressing his “big feelings,” which led to frustration and tantrums consisting of crying, screaming, throwing things, hitting, and spitting. I often found myself driving into the center of the storm — trying to calm or discipline my son once his tantrum escalated. But the child psychologist explained that during these tantrums, my son was “too far gone” to reason with him.
I had to change tactics. Instead of driving through the storm, I steer away from it or wait until it dies down to act.
After some googling, I came across the 5 senses method. Before my son gets too overwhelmed, I lean in front of him or sit next to him and ask him to name…
· 5 things he can see around him
· 4 things he can feel near him
· 3 things he can hear from wherever he is
· 2 things he can smell
· 1 thing he can taste
Concentrating on his senses grounds him and distracts him from his big feelings. If a tantrum escalates too quickly to steer away, I wait for it to die down, and then we go through the senses when he’s calmer. Only then can we tackle the real issue.
2. Asking Him to Draw
Drawing not only engages children, it develops their problem-solving skills and increases empathy. When my son struggles to put his big feelings into words, I ask him to draw what’s upsetting him and explain the drawing to me when he’s ready. This has worked wonders.
Sometimes, he draws pictures at school to bring home and share with me later. One day, he drew two stick figures. One of the figures had an outstretched arm, touching the other stick figure, who was frowning. When I asked him about the drawing, he told me the stick figures were him and his classmate, Hailey. This provided a framework for a conversation about why Hailey might be upset he was touching her and how and when it’s acceptable to touch other people.
When it comes to situations like this, the child psychologist also suggested I have my son draw what happened right before the incident so I can better understand his actions.
Drawing works on many levels. A couple days ago, my son threw a fit when I asked him to drain the bathtub. A simple request, but he was cranky and overtired after being at his grandparent’s house. He splashed water out of the tub, threw his washcloth onto the bathroom floor, and stormed into his room. I left him alone to calm down. Ten minutes later, he came into my room wearing his pajamas and handed me a picture with a note of apology. Then, we sat on my bed and talked about what happened.
3. Setting Aside Time to Talk
A big part of parenting is emotional support, but we can’t offer this type of support without open communication.
My son and I began a bedtime routine that includes what we call “chit-chat” time, where I encourage him to tell me anything he wants, and I practice active and reflective listening. Active listening includes looking at him and nodding as he speaks, while reflective listening requires me to ask questions like “why” and “how” to gather all the details I need to help him through whatever he’s dealing with. We’ve been doing this for a few months, and he’s opened up about several fears and anxieties, from other kids’ behavior at school to bad guys with guns.
Having a safe time and space to talk about whatever is on his mind has helped tremendously. Plus, I’m securing our emotional relationship early with the hope that as he enters his teen years and even adulthood, he will continue to come to me when he’s struggling.
Final Thoughts
Every child is different. I went through a lot of trial and error to figure out what works best in communicating and developing a strong relationship with my son. I’ve found books about feelings and this feelings journal to be helpful, especially in describing more complicated feelings like anxiety, frustration, impatience, and acceptance to children.
The most valuable lesson I’ve learned in helping my son is that there are reasons for his actions. Instead of reacting to behaviors I don’t initially understand, I ask WHY. Why might he be doing this? Why is he showing these emotions? Why might he be feeling this way? To effectively change or improve the situation, we must first understand what we’re dealing with.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Bruno Nascimento on Unsplash
