I have a great deal of compassion for my clients and other people who are waking up to the realization that the person they love or the family they grew up in is, indeed, narcissistic. I’ve been there. Over a decade ago, I went through the most gut wrenching breakup with the man I thought I was going to marry. While I will leave the details for you to read in my forthcoming book Toxic Insecurity: The Path of Relational Spirituality and Our Search for Authentic Love (for it is an amusing story that includes his mother), I want to highlight the rage that I felt at that time. My whole life collapsed and a journey was started — except I had no idea that I was starting a journey. I just thought that a jerk destroyed my life.
How did I miss the signs? As I went down the journey of healing my anxious attachment and relational trauma, I blamed myself for not seeing the problems. Then I blamed my therapist who did not help me see. Then I blamed everyone for making me suffer. There have been some dark moments along this path of recovery from what I now can clearly see was trauma at the hands of someone who, at the very least, had narcissistic traits. The realization, however, is that it was not his fault nor anyone else’s fault. I simply did not have an education about how to listen to my emotions or my body.
If there is no other point that you get out of this article it is this — there is no amount of intellectual knowledge that is going to help you avoid these people if your energy and your emotions have not been cleared of trauma. For many of us that also includes past life trauma. If you are highly sensitive, an empath, and especially if you resonate with the concept of being a Starseed, you are in for a profound healing journey (if you haven’t started it yet). We are in the midst of a global awakening that has pulled the veil from our eyes of what we will tolerate in our personal lives or in our relationships with people in the work place. It is shocking to realize that so many narcissists exist — although it shouldn’t surprise you. Our culture has rewarded this kind of behavior with monetary gains for a very long time. It is the epitome of toxic masculinity and we all need to take responsibility that we have put financial security and wellbeing as a priority in choosing our spouses. It has trained people to seek money rather than emotional intelligence for far too long.
When you are in the midst of some very profound pain — it is normal to blame others. The healing tonic, however, is to turn inward. Turning inward is not an easy concept — it is something that I continue to struggle with from time to time and I do remember yelling at the ceiling when someone told me to turn inward, yet again. I was so pissed! I, however, believe that if we had an understanding why we deal with these people more often than we would life, then our triggers and reactions would not be fueled for as long as they are. Writing my book helped me see the patterns and the messages the Universe was trying to send to me — I was just too stubborn to listen.
I had to learn on my journey that the reason for so much darkness and difficulties in my relationships was simply to prepare me to serve others who will walk a similar path. It’s not a mistake that I’ve done the work I’ve done in the past or grew up with the family that I did. It is clearer now. I also know that the biggest challenge we will face as the world begins to transition into a new way of being will be to purge the old and usher in an era of love, compassion and collaboration. When the blinders start to fall away, you may be surprised at how many narcissists there are in your life.
Yet, from a spiritual perspective, we need to hold the space that they also serve a purpose. They are not bad and we are not good. That dichotomy is toxic insecurity and we have been conditioned to think this way. We need everyone in this time of great transition. Since most of us are not in church or on the yoga mat, I believe that the rise of narcissism and empaths is a beautiful intervention from the Universe — each are a perfect trigger for the other to heal their wounds.
We are all being called to purge personal and collective trauma. We are being called to empty anything that cannot go forward into a new world. We are being asked to focus on our healing and use discernment in our personal lives. Now is not the time to get sidetracked by how horrible your ex is. Your children and the next generation need mentors and guardians that have purged every last ounce of a shadow that will hold the family back from ascending to higher levels of consciousness.
So what can you do in those moments when you are on the ground crying over their latest insensitivity or threat? What can you do when your anger has been triggered to the point where you are ready to go key their car? What can you do when you are worried that they may do some emotional harm to your children? Breathe and understand that all parties agreed to this arrangement ahead of time. The way to deal will be through spirituality not traditional psychology.
Why Modern Psychology May Not Be the Way Through When Dealing with Narcissists
Modern psychology was officially started in Europe in the late 1800s. If you remember your history, this was the time of a huge rise in Victorian era thinking. Women had little political power and the only options for many was via marriage. The gender roles became extreme and, in my opinion, it was at this time that toxic insecurity (with both masculine and feminine energies) was truly born. Modern psychology became interested in the treatment of women in psychiatric hospitals because it was the only venue women could go to escape toxic and abusive husbands. Hysteria — a psychological disorder that includes the conversion of psychological stress into physical symptoms (somatization), selective amnesia, volatile emotions, and overdramatic or attention-seeking behavior — seemed like a good way to requesting help when you had no power as a woman to seek treatment. At that time, your husband could hospitalize you without your consent. Treatment had to happen behind closed doors.
You didn’t have the luxury of doing a spiritual journey at that time so modern psychology was the journey.
The talking cure was a brilliant intervention for these women who had so many repressed emotions. They did not have to talk directly about what was going on and they were able to purge their emotions and receive a break from their home life. Unfortunately, most psychiatrists did not exactly conceptualize these cases in this way and missed narcissistic abuse. Modern psychology has truly failed in cases of extreme abuse and violence and it was not until the ACES study by a weight loss expert in the 1980s that we started to realize what a problem trauma (especially sexual trauma) was for so many people.
Why? The ego of the field has been more interested in becoming a legitimized medical science than it has been in healing people. At this pivotal moment in history the role of the healer and the role of the scientist were disconnected and it has had devastating consequences ever since.
Starting in the 1970s, however, psychology training programs sought to differentiate between training as an academic and training as a clinician. It was a way to begin correcting the ego that has been running the system. I graduated from such a clinical training program and was blessed to have had exceptionally high level of training in working with narcissists and personality disorders that goes beyond learning just Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).
Research in relational trauma and the longitudinal studies by the ACES researchers, however, give us good news. It can all be healed — but it is likely not going to happen just through talk therapy.
What Modern Psychology Needs to Help You Heal from Narcissists
The shift that needs to happen is twofold: There needs to be a shift to accepting spirituality as part of the healing process and that this should not be pathologized in clients who wish to see their symptoms in this manner AND its time to legitimize energy psychology on a broader scale. Why? Well the number one reason why I was not able to see the signs of my narcissistic ex is that I did not have anyone in my childhood help me with my intuition skills and I lived with parents with extreme levels of trauma that affected my energy system. It would take ten years of healing and lots of work with an energy healer to realize that the reason why I was struggling emotionally and with relationships was that I was absorbing the energy and the physical ailments of other other people. I am highly clairsentient and no one told me that the exchange of sexual energy with someone with narcissistic traits would physically harm me.
Once my energy became clear, I could feel in my body the warning signs. In 2017, I ran into this ex again and realized, for the first time, how much my body had been warning me all those years ago. I felt my power immediately dissolve in my stomach. My back started to hurt and I immediately got tired. This took years of working with different professionals who taught me how to feel in my body. I also knew I could handle it without falling apart — I now had an energetic toolbox.
Imagine what all our lives would be like if we had this training as a child….
The narcissist is not the problem — your lack of education is. It’s time that we start turning inward and accept the call to start the journey of relational spirituality. The more we stay stuck on blame and the suffering, the longer it will take to raise our level of consciousness and the longer we stay stuck in the same fear that we experienced in the 1800s. It’s time to let it all go.
—
This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often | Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | ..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Unsplash