No one ever taught me how to be a Man. I love my two fathers, my dad and step-dad. I’m grateful to have both of these good men in my life from a young age. But it was my two mothers, my mom and step-mom, who have really been the strong leaders in my life. They held the two families together and made sure that I always knew everything would be ok. Although I wasn’t cognizant of it as a young boy and teenager, my dads were never fully present and mostly seemed to be hanging on to their strong women, my moms, for dear life. One was an alcoholic and the other primarily a fantasy with whom I interacted mostly by phone through the formative years of my life. I didn’t just grow up with disoriented fathers. I have been immersed in a world dominated by warped, immature expressions of masculinity:
- Constantly sexualizing women
- Ridiculing vulnerability
- Woman-magnet, gun-toting hero-worship
- Homophobia
- Power-focused blame-game government politics
- Bullying from every angle
- A win-at-all-costs/winner-take-all competitive ethos
- Anti-feminine misogyny of infinite variety
Even the offensive words I learned to use as a young boy to assert dominance: pxssy, bitch, fag, crybaby, nancy-boy, coxksucker, motherfuxker. All these insults strike their blow by chopping at feminine expressions of life. We even throw around the word “douchebag.” As far as I understand, an actual douchebag helps keep a woman’s vagina clean and healthy. Why isn’t that reserved for the highest of praise rather than a tool for insult? Us and our misogynistic genital shame.
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No one ever taught me how to show up in my life and the lives of those around me, fully present, as a Man.
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One consequence of this immature masculine ethos is that we don’t learn how to step up as mature masculine men in our intimate relationships with women. At 40, I’m only now discovering what this has cost me and the women I’ve tried to love for years. I’ve demeaned my female partners by treating them as emotionally-flawed versions of men. I’ve run away from them, fed up and disgusted, when they only needed me to stand fast and love them deeply. I’ve lied because I thought their weaker sensitivities couldn’t handle difficult truth. Little did I know, I was the one who couldn’t handle difficult truth. I’ve also used their bodies for my pleasure and then disappeared quick as I came, so to speak. I’ve failed my feminine partners in countless heartbreaking ways. I don’t mean details like paying for everything or being the one to get the car fixed or simply opening doors. I don’t believe in fixed and firm rules like this. I simply mean that no one ever taught me how to show up in my life and the lives of those around me, fully present, as a Man. I see so much of it now. My heart still breaks as I look back upon the wake of female wreckage I created in years past. Sure, they had their own growing up to do, too. Still, I see so clearly how I failed to show up for my intimate partners, over and over and over.
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“Kids have a hole in their soul in the shape of their dad. And if a father is unwilling or unable to fill that hole, it can leave a wound that is not easily healed.” ~ Roland Warren
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According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 24 million children in America — one out of every three — live in biological father-absent homes (the black father stereotype, by the way, is a myth, as black fathers are just as involved in their kids’ lives as fathers of other races). Western men are growing up more and more without healthy masculine role models. Our young boys today are in crisis. Boys successfully commit suicide at a higher rate than girls. They feel isolated and angry. They’re the only ones shooting up schools. We’re confused as ever, disoriented around the profound gifts at the core of our masculine/feminine natures. And we’re still infusing a new generation of boys and girls with stunted-growth versions of masculinity and femininity. Fortunately, we’re collectively growing more wise to this deception. Movements like Mankind Project, websites like The Good Men Project, inspiring online campaigns such as #LikeAGirl and the Dove Beauty Sketches, and more, are blowing up hurtful stereotypes by creating new conversations about what it means to be a healthy man and woman in the 21st century.
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I’m on a mission to claim a deeper wisdom that fully embraces the gifts of both masculine and feminine expressions of life.
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As I quickly round past my 40th birthday, the mature masculine Man in me is finally waking after decades of ignorance and pain. I feel like a giant in heart, vision, commitment, and appreciation for feminine wisdom everywhere. I’m very careful of my language, dropping any feminine-shaming slang from my vocabulary, except for douchebag, which I reserve for those doing only the highest work for humanity, like Ghandi … what an incredible douchebag!
Since no one taught me how to be a healthy mature man, I’ve had to teach myself. It hasn’t been easy, and it’s surely a work in progress. But I’m on a mission to claim a deeper wisdom that fully embraces the gifts of both masculine and feminine expressions of life.
For a healthy mature masculine man knows such wisdom is essential if our world is to ever truly thrive; which also goes for me and the woman I someday hope to fully love.
You might also like:
25 Virtues Found in the Best of Men
Masculinity Re-Imagined: Ten Powerful Actions to Transcend Conquest Culture and Embrace Compassion
Is it the End of Gender, or the Beginning of Men?
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Thank you so much for sharing – this resonates with so many men and women and it is brave to admit that you’re learning from your mistakes, growing, and remaining hopeful.
Like so many I grew up without an involved, loving, strong, and gentle father in my life. I began to learn about what it meant to be a man when my first son, Jemal, was born on November 21, 1969 and I made a vow that I would be a better father to him than my father was able to be for me and to help create a world where the absent father wound could be healed and we could truly be loving and supportive men in the world. My education continued when I got in my first men’s group.… Read more »
I’ve been going through the same thing at 34. I’ve spent my entire adulthood in the US military, and the same kinds of things are said and thought. I’ve spent my life being selfish in every choice I’ve made without even realizing it… I drank alcohol every night, whiskey mostly..the combination these two things tore my family to pieces, literally…my wife and I were sortof kindof sepatated for 2 months. Becsuse of our two sons (13 and 11 years old) kept my wife and I in contact. I was now teaching my sons how to be awful men…I had to… Read more »
Thank you Bryan, a phase that caught my eye and attention “Our young boys today are in crisis.” They feel isolated and angry. We’re confused as ever, disoriented around the profound gifts at the core of our masculine/feminine natures.” We need to start talking to each other helping and asserting positive reinforcement to our young boys. I am extremely passionate about the GoodMenProject.
I am glad you wrote this article. I have made my share of mistakes with women, I never approached properly who I liked for fear of failure and when any girl approached me I did not know how to respond and I consitently made a mess of my life and I am ofcourse 40 and single. I have also thought about suicide but not out of sadness or anger, instead I feel I should gracefully accept death and leave quietly. I turned 40 a month ago and even though I have now understood most of my mistakes I am yet… Read more »
It is never too late to begin. Who needs your help? Big brothers chapter, food bank, other? Go volunteer, be around good people. Contribute and watch. Things will change as you interact. You could meet someone through a fellow volunteer…or meet someone who stops you to ask where you work because you wore you apron for a quick coffee run. I wish you the very best!
Thank you Bryan for putting into words what I’ve been trying (and failing) to understand within myself. When my daughter was born a short time ago I held onto the saying “one who has not had a positive father figure must then create one.” I hope to learn to put this into action just as you have. Thanks again!
Dude, “Gandhi”.
I feel that same pain. My dad wasn’t really around and my step-dad was a drug addict. I could go on and on about the problem, but that never solved anything. So, trial and error I found a decent solution that helps me raise my four kids, as a single dad. If anyone wants to know my game plan, let me know, I’m always glad to help.
The book manhood by steve biddulph is great for putting these issues in a practical everyday life context.
I feel that there is so much healing potential for all men in general. To be happier and fulfiilled and to have positive self esteem and also to stand up for a new generation of male conciousness.
One of the most thorough and insightful pieces I have read on the subject, this website and this content has been so impressive to me, your piece despite our differing backgrounds with the complete absence of fathers after leaving an abusive home in my teens, has so many parallels, much of it just boils down to our culture, but I’ve been trying to discuss this with other guys since my teens, its only been in my thirties nearing forty that other men I am friends with are beginning to discuss it with any depth. Great thoughts and writing.
I’m not sure it’s wise to strive towards masculinity or boys requiring masculine role models. Boys do very well with a good role model be they male or female. We are stuck with male and female and shouldn’t be. We are people. Girls and boys brought up with kindness, gentleness, compassion, who are listened to and heard will grow to be lovely people whether they are raised by a male, female or both. Think about any stereotypical trait and there will be an example of that trait in the opposite sex.
By rule of elemination, you are sure a boy should strife towards feminist. You don’t have any idea of what it’s like to be boy or a man and the transition involved. obviously don’t know how single motherhood develops boys. Yes there are some qualities he can get from the opposite, but a majority of a boys socialization is already saturated with exposure to the feminine elements by the occupations that many of female populace take on.(Teachers, medical occupations, sisters, cousins, mom’s other single mother friends, etc, etc.) The boys are surrounded and its been like this for over 20… Read more »
Wow. Great energy behind the essay. Greater insights in the comments. This is dialog that must be supported and encouraged. Safe, open communication is one way true change takes shape. Educate don’t ridicule, we all have much to learn and to teach.
I would like to inform the readers and author that douche, douching, and douchebags are tools of the patriarchy to teach people to fear the vagina. The vagina cleans itself, because science. The obsession with a clean, tight, shaved vagina is over the top misogyny. If you’re close enough to smell a vagina in any states she’s in, you are on sacred ground and better recognize. I can get behind your use of douchebag if your define it as such: “a totally useless piece of plastic used to hold chemicals to render a house of pleasure and life into a… Read more »
Is there a moderator here?
I find your comments offensive.
You probably need to look in to Gandhi and check out Mother Theresa while you’re there. No angels, either of them.
^ HAHAHA no way, please, no one delete this comment. It’s pretty much what I came down here to say!
FYI, douching is NOT safe or healthy. This is an important distinction.
Its a forty thing. Happens to us all… its what life and experience teaches us…
As far as I understand, an actual douchebag helps keep a woman’s vagina clean and healthy. Why isn’t that reserved for the highest of praise rather than a tool for insult? Us and our misogynistic genital shame. Goodness. No. Completely incorrect. I’m very careful of my language, dropping any feminine-shaming slang from my vocabulary, except for douchebag, which I reserve for those doing only the highest work for humanity, like Ghandi … what an incredible douchebag! Wow. I think this says it all about the language policing that goes on in this arena – if it results in statements like… Read more »
I have also worked to drop all misogynistic terms from my vocabulary. That part i admire. The part about douchebag i think is stupid and it’s the one thing i didn’t like about this essay.
And in fact, now that i think of it, Gandhi, from what i have read, did not treat his wife very well. I know it’s kind of taboo to speak badly about Gandhi, but he was not an ideal human in every way. Despite all his good works, for which he lost his life, he embodied some misogyny.
Step up- be the leader of the family and make good sound decisions based on ethical values which you can be proud of after they are made. Be selfless. Give of yourself to your family regardless of “your tank running dry”. Stand up for your family- realize time you dedicate to other things in disproportionate amounts, sends the wrong message to those that look up to you as a leader. Anything from all day football benders on the couch to worst-case another woman are very harmful to your soul. Give of yourself- teach your kids good lessons. Sit down and… Read more »
“Bullying from every angle…” Very insightful article…good points! A very toxic (and alcoholic) friend used to steal my husband away every weekend to the local bar and away from me and my son….I put up with it for the longest time because my husband was dealing with a very ill family member…I started fighting back by being more assertive and put my foot down on the Thursday and Friday bar outings, which aroused the ire of the drunk friend….he bullied me behind my husband’s back….needless to say, I broke off with him soon after that and it almost broke up… Read more »
I love what you wrote, but a douche, and the bag that is part of it, are actually a bad thing. A woman’s vagina stays healthy on its own (barring the occasional yeast infection). Not unlike eyeballs and eyelids, for example. Douches are marketed to clean what is not dirty, and to make vaginas smell like perfume instead of real women. By disturbing the natural pH and flora, douches can actually cause infection. Ads try to convince women that they need to use these irritating liquids because they are inherently dirty. I know that’s not at all the message you’re… Read more »
Word!
Douche is a French word that means “shower”. How can this be used as an expletive
So, who or what is that I need to learn? I don’t come from a close family. Both my parents were present but emotionally absent. my dad was a controlling alcoholic who Kept my mom in check even though it wasn’t necessary. I never heard them say I love you growing up. I have communication issues and I can go on but what can I do? Do I need someone to be a good male role model? Someone to look up to? I’m 32 with 2 girls of 3 1/2 and 5mths. My wife and I are always having issues.… Read more »
Don’t give up. You’ve made an incredibly brave start by reaching out here. It sounds to me like, while it might have been useful to have better role models growing up, finding a new Pops might not give you the help you need right now. There are people who can help you, from hypnotherapists (it’s not hippy) if you have things you want to put away without talking about them forever, to marriage counsellors, therapists or even business communication courses. But to start with, if you’re struggling to communicate effectively with your wife, have you tried writing letters to her?… Read more »
Wow. It’s incredibly brave of you to reach out like this. Don’t feel weak for needing help, it’s the strongest thing a man can do to recognise he might not be perfect. There are many people who can help you get what you need quickly. If you have things in your past you want to deal with, hypnotherapy can be good for that if you don’t like the sound of traditional talkalot therapy. Marriage counselling is always worth it for being able to do a tune-up, if you’re worried how your wife might react just explain to her that you… Read more »
Pete. Your doing the best job you can with the tools you been given to work with. That your looking now for new tools to do the project shows you are growing. There really is no man model. There is a human model of character and patience and being present. Kindness is a big one and I think that from your tone you already have a lot of that in your toolbox. List three things you want to change, to have more of. Pick one and start with that. Reinforce it everyday, sopport that vision and it will grow to… Read more »
Keep seeking! Think of historical men you admire or are curious about and read their biographies. You’ll learn the good, bad and the ugly in their stories. Try to practice mindfulness so that you can get to the bottom of your own illusions and hangups. It is such a compassionate and simple, non-judgmental way to examine your state of mind and shift to a new and truer state of being. I am a woman and I grew up with a mother who loved her children, but there were so many unhealthy, unkind ways of interacting with men especially that I… Read more »
The greatest thing you can do for yourself is work on your self acceptance. You need to become sure of your deeper self. Address your deeper fears. Your relationship is the perfect fuel for you to do this. It gives you a mirror of what you do not accept in yourself. Work with mindfulness and watch and observe what fears you are holding onto to run your life. Question whether those fears help or hinder. Then imagine what it would be like without them.
Jenny – that comment was one of the wisest things I’ve read on GMP. You are right on and thank you for sharing.
Amen to every single word you wrote.. What I thought was power, was a defence all along. What I thought was weak, was what I have been yearning to express all along. I love this – “I’ve demeaned my female partners by treating them as emotionally-flawed versions of men.” I’ve unconsciously done this to both men and women, yet I want so desperately to be seen for my feelings. I never got that till recently and I’m in my mid-30’s. I’m honestly surprised I’ve gotten this far and not caused irreparable disaster in my life. While at times, I want… Read more »