Parenting and Judgement

During a much-needed time of growth, I began reading Brene Brown’s bestseller Daring Greatly. I expected to get more insight into being a better leader however I learned more about my personal beliefs when it came to parenting. Truth, there are so many good lessons in this book I could probably read it over and over and get something new from it every time.

When COVID19 hit in the U.S., I along with many other parents sat at home with their children working, schooling, entertaining, and many other jobs unpaid. All of those jobs under one roof with very little space to breathe and reset can really have you question what kind of parent you are. Especially when you tap into being vulnerable. If you do anything for yourself as a parent, read the final chapter Wholehearted Parenting. So many good insights offered in this chapter. I think it spoke to me because I have felt “never enough” especially being at home with no other outlets and feeling overwhelmed.

The concept of raising children in a “never enough” culture had me evaluate my own childhood. Stay with me for just a moment while I give you a small snapshot of my life as a teenager.

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I often sought out trying many things because I wanted to know if I could make it happen and win at it. So on paper, my curriculum vitae looked amazing: Student Council VP, senior class secretary, Varsity volleyball team as a Freshman, Honors Society, recognized as most likely to succeed, are just a few pieces of papers that fill a box in my attic.

As I look back, the only time I could get my parents to show up to spend time with me was if I was being recognized for something great I had done.

Go ahead re-read that quote real quick, I’ll wait. I have never understood why getting a piece of paper has meant so much to me as an adult. Coming from a divorced family, to sharing weekends, to single mom trying to give her girls whatever they needed in a “never enough” culture. I wanted my parents’ attention and they only showed up if I was getting an award for something. They would make it a priority to show up for that reason. So it makes sense why I tried so hard to win a lot of awards. In other words, completing my master’s program may have just been a way to get my parents to recognize me.

I grew up basing my worthiness on moments in time.

I got exactly what I needed because I was the winner at something, shame culture at its core. Our society raises kids to value their success based on first, second, or third place. If you are not first you are not noticed. I do not share this because I am mad at my parents, they were only trying to show me how proud they were of me, the best way they knew how. What they did not know, is what I learned from this book.

People measure themselves based on three components of scarcity: shame, comparison, and disengagement. -Brene Brown

My purpose is not to quote the entire book however if you read it one day it may change your perspective on a few things.

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As parents, we want to know that the decisions we make for our kids are the right ones, that we can somehow stare into the crystal ball and see their futures and know we raised great humans. There are so many theories and self-help techniques to being a “great parent” no one has time to read them all. Once a parent latches on to one belief someone else comes along and one-ups the theory or rewrites the book completely. Now we have become critical of ourselves and/or others because that parent is doing something the other did not. Brene writes this:

Certainty often breeds absolutes, intolerance, and judgement.

I have obsessed over my parenting choices plenty. Are they eating the right foods, why aren’t they sleeping alone, my child still bed wets, nope she didn’t start walking by 9 months, don’t use so many curse words, oh there are so many! I have sought out my friends, family, books, doctors, etc. for answers, but mostly really just approval. After reading this chapter I was like WOW, WOAH, WOW! Why are we so obsessed with certainty?

Why do we feel the need to have approval from others about the choices we make for our children?

There is so much self-doubt in parenting, even self-criticism when we see someone do something different than we did. We automatically judge our choices based on others choosing the opposite. For example, choosing to send out kids back in person vs virtual.

I could go on and on. At the end of the day, we judge ourselves and we judge others based on the unknown. Humans want certainty and when we don’t have it we get scared and when we are scared we blame ourselves and we blame others.

My Reflections…

• I am not better than you, nor the person you may be sitting across from.
• My ideas of being a good parent often stem from what I experienced as a child. I can say now I will try not to measure my child’s abilities based on the awards they receive whether 0 or 20.
• I will be present in my own fears and unknowns and I will show up for them in all my vulnerabilities. I am both weak and strong.
• I am a parent who will make mistakes but how I respond and own them will be what my children will remember.
• How I think and feel about myself can bleed into the thoughts of my children, so be mindful of how I treat myself.
• There is nothing wrong with looking for answers to parenting from others, but I believe you should really look to yourself first and understand who you are and want to be.

Brene Brown writes,

The question isn’t so much “Are you parenting the right way?” as it is: “Are you the adult that you want your child to grow up to be?”

If you have made it to these last few words, Thank you. I hope you have enjoyed the read and the opportunity to see parenting in a different light.

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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