Why does love happen in the first place? Why do we feel so strongly about someone? More importantly, why does it end? And is there such a thing as unconditional love, or do all conditions exist for a reason?
These are things that we’ve been asking ourselves for centuries. While science has given us some concrete answers (hint: everything is biology), the examples in literature offer insight into our very human need to make sense of this seemingly nonsensical emotion.
In Donna Tartt’s Pulitzer Prize-winning novel The Secret History, a young man named Richard Papen, who we can assume to be the story’s main character, falls in love with his classmate Julian Morrow. At first, he loves her for many things; her beauty, grace, and refined manner. However, as their relationship progresses (and she reveals more about herself to him), he begins to love her for much darker reasons, exposing a depraved side of his character that he didn’t even know existed. As you can probably guess, it all ends in a tragedy.
Like Richard, we all have a love for someone. But what happens when the love is divided? Like his classmate, we come to know our beloved for something other than what initially attracted us to them. We learn about their flaws and failings and find ourselves invested in those we once despised.
Love is a powerful emotion, and it has the mysterious ability to blind us from seeing the other person. But what if we are blinded from seeing ourselves clearly?
“Why does love happen in the first place? Why do we feel so strongly about someone? More importantly, why does it end?”
Love is blind, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t less chance that love can come into being if things go wrong.
“What happens if we are blinded from seeing ourselves clearly?”
I realize some of you will be skeptical and think that I am talking about complete strangers, but believe me when I say that I’m speaking on behalf of an overwhelming majority. This is a conversation that many people have with themselves, whether in the form of self-doubt or self-loathing. I’m going to talk about why I think we need to abandon these concepts, and why it’s a fallacy to believe that you can’t fall in love with someone if there are things about them that you don’t like.
“Love is a powerful emotion, and it has the mysterious ability to blind us from seeing the other person. But what if we are blinded from seeing ourselves clearly?”
Foremost, let me say this: Things will not always work out with the people you have feelings for. I am not here to make you fall in love with someone you don’t want to be with, but I am here to let you know that it is okay and happens.
But the major point is this: It doesn’t matter if you get rejected by someone you “love” or if someone treats you poorly in return for your feelings for them. Your feelings will not be hurt because you will not be in love with them, and these feelings are nothing more than the byproducts of love.
I want to go on record here and say that I don’t think it’s ever okay to treat others badly because of your personal feelings. Now, I know that many people will disagree with this statement, but it’s something that I take seriously. Some people can put their emotions first (which is not always a bad thing), and some people are just as selfish about their feelings as you would be if you were in love. But if someone makes you feel this way, please don’t do anything crazy back in return. You will make the situation worse for yourself and probably won’t get over it or understand it later.
“People who can put their emotions first are not always a bad thing. Then again, as I said, these emotions can sometimes be selfish.”
In essence, it’s okay to decide based on personal feelings. However, please don’t do it at the expense of someone else’s feelings- whether they’re the reason you’re making this decision or not. That would be something that could be interpreted as “not loving” someone back if you did so. Think about it this way: If you’re in a bad relationship with someone, wouldn’t you rather find out sooner than later? Would you rather end it (and possibly find someone better) than keep compromising yourself repeatedly just because of your feelings?
“Love is a series of moments spent together, and how you feel about those moments is entirely up to you.”
So do yourself a favor and don’t ever feel like you can’t fall in love with someone because of their past or present actions.
“In the end, love is a series of moments spent together. How you feel about those moments is entirely up to you.”
I sincerely hope that this article helped clear up some misconceptions and gave you a new perspective on how your feelings are not something that can be controlled entirely by your choice, but rather something that comes from all the little things that happen along the way.
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Previously Published on medium
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Have you read The Secret History? Julian Morrow is Richard Papen’s professor.