Reimagining Intimate Relationships: Negotiating

KEY POINTS

Negotiating is about how to transform two different perspectives into a shared plan of action.
Negotiating is a step-by-step process to share individual perspectives and come up with shared goals.
Negotiation is how you sort through your daily activities, individual interests, and big life decisions.
Through negotiation, you learn about each other’s preferences and each other as individual people.

This is Part II of Reimagining Intimate Relationships. Part I can be read here.

Negotiating collaboratively is a co-creative process that transforms two sets of preferences into a shared plan of action. It involves sharing your preferences with each other and talking about why these preferences are important to you. This discussion allows you to come up with a few ideas that will express your shared goals. Then you can decide upon a specific plan of action to address the issue discussed.

Through this process, you will learn about what is important to each of you. You may even learn something about the specific preferences that are stated. And neither of you will want the other to do something they regard as unattractive or unacceptable.

You will be negotiating joint activities like doing housework, caring for children, having fun together, and your sexual enjoyment. You will also negotiate individual activities like maintaining a productive work life, enjoying your individual friends, individual sports activities, etc. And you will be negotiating major life events like planning careers.

Sara and Lucas Negotiate a Parking Preference

Sara, 33, and Lucas, 34, dated for several months before deciding they wanted to live together. Both have had previous relationships but never lived with any of the people they dated. They are happy and satisfied with their current relationship and believe they will want to make it more permanent. They have worked regularly on negotiating with each other. Here is an example of a negotiation about a minor but important situation they had a difference about, where to park their car safely and conveniently when they go shopping at the mall.

First Step: Approaching Your Partner

When you have something on your mind—a concern you have, a goal you want to set, a preference about how to do something—give your partner a heads-up about what you want to talk about. It is important to give them time to examine their own thoughts about the issue. Set a time when it is convenient for both of you to talk.

Sara and Lucas disagreed about where she should park when she drove to the mall. Lucas did not want her to park in the garage, which was her preference. A mundane but important difference to them.

Lucas had become concerned about Sara parking in the garage because the parking slots are narrow. The car was a recent purchase that Lucas took pride in. He believes there is a greater risk of having the car scratched by someone opening a door or scraping her car as a car next to her leaves. He checked with Sara, and they agreed to meet to talk.

Second Step: Expressing Your Concern or Preference

This is the time for each of you to be able to express your view of the issue at hand. Each of you will want to explain what your view is because you have thought about it, having had a heads-up. Each of you will have the time to express why what you want is important to you. Each of you will give your partner the opportunity to express their preference without interruption. Being able to be clear about your specific preference or concern in each situation is important to finding shared solutions. This step ends when each of you has had the opportunity to express themselves.

Sara had a chance to think about why she parked in the garage, deciding that it was convenient for her to park in the parking garage when running errands and getting to appointments on time. Lucas expressed his concerns about the car being damaged.

Third Step: Recognizing Every Concern of Yours Is a Concern of Mine

This is the time you become aware that you both can keep the simultaneous perspective of seeing each other as equally valued partners while valuing your own preference or concern. Be alert to defending or privileging your position. Do not criticize or argue against your partner’s preference. Do not privilege your own preference, which could damage the togetherness of your relationship. Remember, “every concern of yours is a concern of mine.”

Fourth Step: Creating a Plan of Action

The best kind of plan is one that includes the concerns or preferences of both of you. As you create such a plan, you may become aware of how your concern for each other affects the way you both engage around this important task. You will notice how this negotiation process may change what you want and why you want it through this process of self-reflection. You mutually affect each other, changing each other, for the better. This is how you co-create your life together.

Sara had not thought about the chance that the car could be scratched or dented by another car. This had not been a concern of hers, nor had she thought about the expense of such an incident. In turn, Lucas was not thinking about the convenience of the parking garage but instead looking for a space on the street. Through their conversation, both Sara and Lucas learned more about their partners’ concerns and what was important to them both.

Here is Sara and Lucas’s action plan. Sara agreed to park on the upper level of the garage, where there are fewer cars, when she runs errands. To avoid the parking garage altogether, when possible, Lucas will drive Sara to important appointments when he is working from home.

Final Step: Recognizing How You Affect Each Other

Through this process of collaborative negotiating, you will experience having your priorities considered seriously, which is personally satisfying. And you will be changed people because together, through this negotiation process, you co-create a plan that addresses both of your concerns.

After you find a plan that considers both preferences or concerns, take some time to reflect on your negotiating process—perhaps at a later time. Be aware of what you have learned about each other from listening intently to each other’s perspectives. You may also learn new things about what is important to them, and why they have a particular preference. Also, note what it felt like to come to a shared agreement.

Negotiating Collaboratively Is About Commitment

Most people think the idea of commitment between partners is about staying together through thick and thin. This is what is called an ‘aspirational’ statement, what you believe should occur, and hope will occur, in your relationship. The commitment to negotiate collaboratively around the issues that you will face in your relationship is the hard work needed to achieve this aspiration. The willingness to negotiate issues in good faith with your partner is so important that we believe it rises to the level of a vow you are willing to make and remake throughout your relationship.

Part III helps you become “expert” negotiators by increasing your self-awareness through self-reflection and introspection.

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This post was previously published on Psychology Today and is republished on Medium.

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