Reimagining Intimate Relationships: Self-Awareness

KEY POINTS

• Self-reflection and introspection are how to increase your self-awareness.
• Self-reflection is consciously considering your thoughts, beliefs, and actions.
• Self-awareness is basic to being a good collaborative negotiator.

This is Part III of the series Reimagining Intimate Relationships. You can read Part I here, and Part II here.

Negotiating collaboratively is the process by which you create and re-create the shared purpose of being together. Being self-aware is paying attention to what is going on inside yourself. It’s your way of tracking where you are in your own life space. Self-reflection and introspection are two ways you can develop self-awareness that is important to being a good negotiator.

Self-reflection is taking a step back to look at what is happening in your life as you live it.¹ It is about consciously considering your thoughts, your beliefs, and how you act. It’s about giving your brain an opportunity to pause so that you can sort through your experiences and consider different interpretations. This gives personal meaning to your experiences (i.e., it helps you know what is important to you and why). When we look at ourselves clearly, we are more confident and creative, and we make sounder decisions.

In intimate relationships, a particular kind of self-reflection is needed: introspection.² Introspection is the way we gain insight into why we react to our intimate partner’s actions or non-actions, often emotionally, to something our partner did or did not do. We colloquially call these kinds of reactions “taking things personally.” Learning to recognize when you are reacting personally and use these reactions to gain insight into your own insecurities is basic to negotiating collaboratively with your partner.

Sara Is Mad at Lucas

One evening after dinner, Sara was telling Lucas about her difficult day at work. Lucas did not comment, nor did he seem to be paying attention to what she was saying. She suddenly paused and said to Lucas:

This seemingly minor event—Sara talks about something important to her, and Lucas does not respond—does not have to blow up into a full-blown conflict and create a rift between them. Sara is angry because she thinks Lucas ignored her. Lucas is now on the defensive, and Sara is on the verge of “hunkering down” on her position. “I can’t believe you acted like this.”

Sara is “taking personally” Lucas not paying attention to her in the way she wants him to. Sara characterizes what he did as “ignoring” her instead of describing that Lucas was not paying attention to her in the way she wanted him to. Lucas will likely acknowledge that he was not paying attention the way she wanted him to; it is unlikely that he will agree that he is “ignoring” her. Here are a few examples of characterizing a partner’s action rather than describing it:

• Accusing your partner of being selfish when they spent extra money on themselves.
• Accusing your partner of being self-centered when they checked their phone during an interaction.
• Accusing your partner of treating you like a second-class citizen when they did not consider your opinion.
• Accusing your partner of being a “sex addict” when they wanted sex, and you did not.

Knowing When You Are Taking Things Personally

Emotions like anger, fear, anxiety, and hurt are compelling. They lure us into the trap of negatively characterizing rather than describing our partner’s actions. We are certainly not being self-reflective; we are acting automatically to the detriment of our relationships. Daniel Goleman, who developed the idea of emotional intelligence, views such emotions as a “quick response system” that excites you to react without appropriate self-reflection about what is occurring.³ When you act on these emotions without reflection, you are likely to characterize your partner’s action, or non-action in this case, negatively.

When we characterize someone’s action, we are saying something about the person’s personal traits, motives, or character flaws. We are not talking about an event that can be discussed; we are defining our partner. It is likely they will react defensively. When both of you are reacting personally to an event, you are now in conflict with one another.

Sara Stops to Reflect

Sara was able to step back when Lucas responded defensively to introspect by asking herself five questions. The first three questions are reflections on how Sara experienced the event and what she did:

• How did I experience the event? “Lucas was being inconsiderate; he ignored me.”
• What was I feeling? “I was so angry and hurt at the same time.”
• What did I do? “I angrily accused Lucas of ignoring me.”

The next two items ask Sara to reflect—to stop and think about—the description of the event and what accounts for her personal reaction:

• Describe the triggering event: “Lucas did not pay attention to me like I wanted him to.”
• What is the threat to me? “I am not important to him.”

Sara had to take time to reflect on why she was so quick to anger toward Lucas. She knows he cares about her and that she is important to him. So why the automatic and negative reaction? Feeling ignored, thinking Lucas is not enthusiastic about being with her, caring about what is happening to her are all fearful thoughts.

Sara took the time and effort to reflect, using the Downward Arrow Technique, which is a series of questions that can help us find out what is threatening to us about a given event. Here are the questions, along with Sara’s answers, that helped her sort out her reaction to Lucas:

At the moment when talking to Lucas, Sara’s personal reaction seemed to pull for a personal threat that she may not be worth caring about. Upon reflection, Sara realizes her reaction is triggered by her own insecure feelings of self-worth that she can access and self-correct. Sara will be alert to reactions to Lucas so that she can explore other vulnerabilities she may experience.

After becoming aware of the personal nature of her reaction to Lucas, she apologized and reassured him that she knew he cares about her. Lucas was able to reflect on his own reactions to her. This willingness and ability of both Sara and Lucas to be self-reflective will significantly increase their ability to effectively communicate and collaboratively negotiate whatever issues they will face.

References

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