These masks had been presented to me with instruction manuals, moral codes, scripts and expectations surrounding money, prestige, perfectionism, criticism and judgment of myself and others.
I learned all the lines. I knew all the tricks.
I played the roles asserted by the masks for many, many years…
As a child, I played the quiet one; the one who didn’t cause trouble; the people pleaser.
As a teen, I was the good student, the popular one, the one who partied.
As an adult, living in the biggest house, driving the newest car, taking the best vacations; portraying the perfect family and children; living in judgment of myself, but more ashamedly, others.
Nowhere, in any of this, was my true inner self, my core self, ever acknowledged, discovered or simply allowed to be. I was covered in the masks handed down to me, handed down to me.
And, I willingly agreed and accepted all the masks and their associated roles without question.
Then I turned 43.
Suddenly, none of the masks seemed to fit anymore. I was buried and no longer able to breathe. I had no idea who I was or who I had ever been. I only knew how to play the roles handed me.
I was screaming inside. I knew these masks like the back of my hand, and yet, they felt like strangers. I felt like a stranger.
I was no longer able to bear the weight of the instruction manuals and all their moral codes. The scripts were now written in foreign languages, the expectations unattainable.
I had spent years molding myself into a template, forcing my life to meet another’s desire, trying, and succeeding, to change and suppress the natural flow of who I inherently was.
I was exhausted from paddling upstream. I was broken with frustration and self-oppression. I knew I could no longer continue on this same path, yet I remained frozen.
I filed for divorce. I walked away from the family, friendships, and relationships with those from whom I had gathered the masks.
I set out on a journey to find myself; to see what was underneath all the role playing; to uncover who I inherently was.
As each mask was torn off, I discovered something new; something revolutionary, radical, unique, important, worthy about myself; something I had not known before.
It was invigorating and frightening at the same time. I felt exposed and courageous, vulnerable and fierce. I was unstoppable.
Yet, as there were so many things I no longer believed about myself, it was hard to find anything to believe in.
I kept digging. I kept searching. I kept removing the masks until I could find no more.
Each level brought more knowledge, deeper understanding and greater insight.
But, I knew I still wasn’t “there.” I wasn’t in a place of true understanding, true peace. I started to wonder if I ever would be; if maybe this was as far as I would go; if maybe the masks were all I would ever know.
And then, I realized one last mask remained. The mask that had been telling me I “should” have this figured out, I “should” have completed this journey by now, I “should” have not asked for more. The mask of should…should know, should understand, should be at peace.
I was, again, exhausted, frustrated and feeling oppressed from the very thing I was trying to free myself of…masks.
I needed to release this quest of removing masks. I needed to stop forcing my healing, stop paddling upstream to “get there.”
I was tired of healing. My energy was gone. I was again frozen.
I stopped digging. I stopped searching. I stopped trying. I just stopped.
I decided to “be” for a while; to remove the pressure of finding understanding and peace; to simply be.
That’s when it all finally made sense. When the masks were off and the “shoulds” gone, when I allowed myself to simply “be,” I was left with the only thing that had ever mattered, the one thing I had kept from myself all along…
Love.
I was left with love.
At the bottom of it all was love.
Pure, exquisite, unconditional love.
I was standing in love, surrounded by love, had been created from love.
The masks, instruction manuals and moral codes are now gone. The scripts, expectations and “should” are no longer.
I am now one thing and one thing only…love.
I am love.
