Pain arises, within us or in someone we care for. What do we do?
Here’s a tool to help: consider whether you are distancing yourself from it through judgment, or being with it through compassion.
Judging the pain distances us from ourselves or the other person. Putting labels on it, saying they or we “shouldn’t” feel this way. Viewing pain as something shameful or wrong with us or the other, instead of recognizing that it’s a valid and shared part of the human experience.
This judgment then adds more pain on top of the existing pain. It turns into something heavier, harder to bear, and sharper and spikier, poking into our hearts and minds.
On the other hand, when we respond to pain with compassion, we are doing something quite different: we are moving towards it. We are being present with the pain and honoring it in whatever form it takes. The word compassion literally means ‘to suffer with.’
When we do that, the pain doesn’t necessarily disappear, but what does happen is that it becomes a bit easier to look at, to feel, to hold, to understand, and ultimately to address. The spiky edges of the pain get smoothed out, just a little, and we can breathe a little bit easier. We are present with the pain as it is, and in doing so, we support ourselves or the other person.
If you’re striving to become a more compassionate person, this is one way to start. Notice any time you are confronted by pain and slip into distancing from it. As you work on this within yourself, you simultaneously develop the capacity to offer it to others (and vice versa!) And once you notice that’s happened, whenever possible, shift towards being with the pain, however it shows up. The willingness to be present with it is often the most powerful thing we can do.
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Previously published on thenewhappy.com
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