Imagine after years of studying Yogic Philosophy, you begin to embody most of the spiritual principles that make you a much more peaceful person — maybe even somewhat of a sage. People start noticing your transformation from before and after, and agree that you benefited from the subject. But for some reason, when you date or get into a relationship, you begin slowly losing some of those positive qualities you picked up in Yoga.
They say energy is contagious — can you relate? You’ve done all that good work on yourself like speaking positive affirmations instead of engaging in negative self-talk because of Ahimsa (non-violence), and being honest about what you like and don’t like because of Satya (truthfulness). But then somehow you end up in a toxic relationship that brings you backward, reversing all that you learned because you and your partner are misaligned. Yogi or not, much can be revealed about the quality of your relationship if you use the Yamas and NiYamas as a reference point for measuring the health of your relationship.
SEE HOW EACH YAMA MATCHES THE ACTIONS OF YOU BOTH
Ahimsa (Non-Violence)
Ahimsa means not harming oneself or another through physical, verbal, mental or emotional abuse. Most of us don’t accept physical abuse because it’s tangible enough to prove. But emotional abuse is something we can’t prove and so we often let it slide which is how we become manipulated or gaslit. Ask yourself how the majority of your conversations feel. Do you feel uplifted or drained? Before accusing someone of abuse, it’s more important to determine if you’re even happy in your relationship. Things don’t have to become “extremely” bad for you to leave. If you’re not applauding one another, supporting each other’s emotional wellbeing, or feeling good within your body, then all those talks leaving you confused, doubtful, or uninspired, are enough to know that your connection is not the healthiest — and you deserve the healthiest.
Satya (Truthfulness)
Satya means that you’re honest with others as well as yourself. The part about being honest with yourself is a big one! Most people convince themselves to feel something they don’t for logical reasons that probably doesn’t even feel right. Being honest with yourself first is the best way to be honest with others. For example, if you’re confused about something, don’t say “yes” or “no” just to give an answer. Being honest includes being unsure. Sometimes we lie out of guilt or fear, and then make our partner feel bad about our lie because they didn’t create a safe space for us to be honest. But whether they’re supportive or not, we still need to be honest with ourselves. As they say, the truth will set you free! Lying only lowers your vibration because it takes more energy to hide things then it does to be openly honest. Lastly, if your partner is lying to you, don’t get used to that!
Asteya (Non-Stealing)
Most consider stealing to be an act of material theft. Not many realize that stealing also comes in other forms such as stealing someone’s time, energy, emotions, or ideas. Just like the difference between physical and emotional abuse, stealing things that are unseen is still stealing. If you are clear with your boundaries and intentions, but your partner oversteps your boundaries by showing up whenever they want, lying about their intentions, stringing you along or breadcrumbing you, then they are stealing your energy! It’s easy for people to tell you to cut them off but if they’re not emotionally invested, then they won’t understand how difficult this is. That’s why people who emotionally manipulate you are thieves because they know it won’t be that easy for you to break free. Letting go is a process — and it’s a process that takes “time” that you can’t get back.
Bhramacharya (Sexual moderation / Celibacy)
We’re not suggesting sex is a sin. We’re just acknowledging that its power can subtly make one addicted instead of saving its potency for the right use. And no, you don’t have to wait until marriage. But let’s be honest. We all know that once you sleep with someone, an element of innocence is gone and a certain level has been passed with a person that you can’t undo once its done. Sex is a sacred act to be mindful of because it can cloud our vision, leading couples to fall into relationships without even realizing if they’re compatible outside of the bedroom. Hence, sex can create soul-tie’s because of the neurological entanglement that produces chemical dependency.
Aparigraha (Non-Possessiveness / Non-Greed)
There is a season for everything — even trees know when to let go of dying leaves when their colors fade. But think about how you or your partner may hold onto things from the past, either from mistakes you made as a couple, or from former partners before your relationship even started. When you hold onto expired situations, you give no space for the new which energetically becomes hoarding. On a slightly different note, think about opportunities that may arise for you or your partner, possibly to relocate out-of-state for a job or just do things that are good for their soul. If you don’t set them free to follow their hearts desires, then you’re being greedy with them and vice versa. Remember, no one owns anyone even when we’re in relationships, so if we hold onto someone for all the wrong reasons, then we’re trying to possess what doesn’t belong to us. The truth is, while some relationships last a lifetime, others are seasonal. Lastly, even though we want people to feel free enough to do what they want, if what they want supersedes investing in your relationship, (such as spending more time with friends instead of with you) then don’t allow them to keep you on standby which blocks you from better opportunities. Free yourself up so they don’t have the opportunity to be greedy with you.
Now that we’ve compared each Yama to certain relationship behaviors, we can continue diving deeper into Yogic philosophy to see how our relationships measure up. It really is a great source of spiritual reference — and that in itself is something to consider. When you date or choose a companion, do you ask what their spiritual beliefs and/or practices are? Regardless of whether someone’s spiritual beliefs are aligned with yours or not, something I’ve been realizing lately is that it’s important that I don’t stray away from my own spiritual core.
Isn’t it interesting though, that after years of healing and doing inner work, all it takes is one bad relationship to throw it all away? People might say that it means you really weren’t healed in the first place, but I don’t think that’s necessarily true. We don’t always know how a relationship is going to turn out because we can’t see the future. Situations arise that bring out different sides of people — not only shocking us, but sometimes even shocking them! We’re always growing and evolving; it’s not like we’re a finished product.
So, be gentle on yourself if you see that a certain relationship may have brought you a little backwards. Having a spiritual foundation or moral template to reference to is a good way to test the quality of your relationship. If things start to go south, don’t deny it. The most empowering thing you can do is see “clearly” enough that you don’t gaslight yourself into staying.
The opposite is also true if you hit the jackpot by having a partner who meets all the positive virtues of the Yamas — and they’re not hard to do. But isn’t it interesting that some people actually think it’s hard to be good! I guess that’s the world we live in. When we hear of couples having affairs, they’re obviously not practicing Satya (Truthfulness), or couples who call each other derogatory names in the middle of heated arguments, they’re obviously not practicing Ahimsa (Non-Violence). Imagine if more people invested their time and energy into spiritual education to navigate the world, how much more respect and cooperation there would be? We’d probably stop taking things so personally when something isn’t meant for us instead of hoarding people after their season in our lives has expired. It’s much more loving to allow what is natural to flow rather than to try and control outcomes for our own benefit.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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