Secrets of Life-Long Couples

Foundation of Friendship

The best couples are friends first. What’s friendship? Someone who allows you the space to be yourself without constantly being scared of being judged and abandoned.

Love alone is not enough because feelings are temporary. Every relationship goes through the inevitable phases of ups and downs, and a foundation of deep, meaningful friendship allows the couples to face these challenges together despite a temporary reduction in the levels of intimacy.

Moreover, being good friends makes it easier for couples to be vulnerable. And vulnerability is necessary because it allows couples to know each other and understand each other. Initial attraction does not promise compatibility. And if the couples can be friends, they are armored against the challenges that time brings.

The biggest benefit of the foundation of friendship is the possibility of healthy communication and vulnerability. This improves understanding, which is the foundation for long-lasting love.

Read this: What kills Relationships?

Healthy template for disagreements

John Gottman conducted marriage research, and his findings helped him predict divorce with 94% accuracy. He observed how the couples dealt with differences. If the couples showed any of these behaviors: Criticism, Contemp, Stonewalling, and Defensiveness, Gottman knew that their relationship would not last.

Interestingly, successful couples faced the same challenges, but their success was dictated by how they dealt with those differences. Whenever a problem arose, they joined forces and stood together against the challenge instead of letting it creep between them and create distance. They blamed the problem, not each other!

They had the ‘we’ mindset instead of the ‘me’ mindset.

Effort

Reality Check? Relationships require maintenance.

Effort in a relationship means being aware of your partner’s needs and being proactive about meeting those. It goes beyond material things. It is about putting in the time and making the other person feel loved and respected by being actively involved in the relationship.

Pointers:

• Showing Affection: Do small things that tell the other person that you love and care about them. Send them random texts to let them know you are thinking of them. Hold hands and hug them. Kiss them before going out. There are many ways to show affection, and there is no one right way to do that. Focus your attention on letting the other person know of your feelings about them through everyday gestures.
• Dates Matter: It is easy to forget important dates, but when you remember events like birthdays and anniversaries and surprise your partner, it tells them that they matter to you and you put effort to make them feel special. If you are bad at remembering dates, put reminders in your phone’s calendar.
• Physical Touch: You have to work to keep the romance alive in your relationship. Sex and intimacy are essential elements of a fulfilling relationship. Although it’s normal for your sex life to vary through time, difficult sex life may indicate that the relationship isn’t being worked on. To ensure you’re both equally satisfied in your sex life, have conversations about each other’s desires.

Support

Support in a relationship means you can expect your partner to be by your side during good and bad times. More importantly, during the bad ones because support is not usually a problem during good times. When you are facing a problem, your partner might or might not be able to give you a solution, but the fact that they are there for you in your journey of finding the solution matters. Emotional support is crucial in hard times. And if that is missing, it is not the right relationship for you.

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Thanks for reading.

Check out my other pieces on relationships and life here: Bhanu Singhal

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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