Self-Love Is a Myth if You Don’t Acknowledge Your Imperfections

Growing up, I was an immense fan of Sam Raimi Spider-Man, even though it wasn’t so cool back then. I remember being picked on in my school as I would spend my time drawing spider-man. I absolutely cherished the cool costume, breathtaking action, and surreal swinging sequences. But none of it would be so exceptional if not for the man behind the mask.

Call me nostalgic, but Toby Maguire’s Pete closely resembled my own school-life. Seeing him drawing different versions of spidey-costume filled the 9-year-old me with pure joy. It is because I was spending most of my time doing the same. Later on, as I entered my teenage, my fascination for the character grew exponentially.

He was a man who would not give up no matter what. His powers brought nothing but an insufferable amount of pain. Yet, he chose to be kind and responsible. He started as a kid chasing after the girl next door. He ended up as a grown man who sacrificed his chance with her to keep her safe.

I wanted to be like him.

I wanted to be noble & responsible. For the most part, I succeeded — until I didn’t.

Have you ever professed your love to someone whom you didn’t really love? I did. I wish I could say that I didn’t know any better. But I did. I knew what I was doing — I knew what I felt. I didn’t love her. Yet, I said it. I made her believe it.

Unsurprisingly, it did not last for long. She could sense that I wasn’t really there for her. Thus she ended up engaging with someone else — someone who would love her for real.

And how did I react? I blamed it on her and played the victim.

Well, it was quite evident that I did not become the man that I was aiming for. Apparently, it was not obvious to me. In my mind, I was the best there is. It is because I had turned a blind eye to my imperfections.

Little did I know that the breakup was a blessing in disguise, allowing me to be a better version of myself.

. . .

It Starts With Looking Beyond the Self-Image

Not only comic book movies, but I was also very much into reading from my early childhood. Therefore, I had a pretty sound grasp of basic ethics and principles. From my boyhood, I knew the fundamental difference between right and wrong.

However, It didn’t come without its downsides.

I was too obsessed with the image of an ideal character. And the very concept of human flaw contradicted my naive beliefs.

So what did I do? I refused to look at my imperfections. I would feel overproud over my virtues while denying my vices at the same time.

According to psychologist Guy Winch, people with twisted self-image have a hard time accepting their own mistakes. He further goes on to explain how people with such predicaments deflect the situation:

They literally distort their perception of reality to make it (reality) less threatening. Their defense mechanisms protect their fragile ego by changing the very facts in their mind, so they are no longer wrong or culpable.

For me, breaking out of this very toxic cycle was quite challenging.

. . .

Difference Between Self-Esteem & Acceptance

Self-esteem and self-acceptance are two different things. It might sound contradictory, but it is, in fact, factual. In an article, The Path to Unconditional Self-Acceptance, Professor Leon F. Seltzer explains it. According to him, self-esteem specifies how worthwhile you are. Self-acceptance, on the other hand, is more profound. It is about embracing all facets of ourselves — not just the positive, more “esteem-able” parts.

In hindsight, it makes perfect sense. I was young and confident, fuming with self-esteem. However, I lacked the maturity to learn self-acceptance. It was the very reason why I was never happy with myself or the people surrounding me. I was projecting my shortcomings and insecurities. And I was doing with a sense of self-righteousness. To me, I was strong. Well, in reality, I was anything but that.

In Winch’s words, psychological rigidity is not a sign of strength. On the contrary, it is an indication of weakness. Denying my imperfections was not a brave move. It was only a vain attempt to protect my self-image.

I did it because, deep down, I was ashamed. I was aware of my imperfections, and I chose to deny them.

. . .

Accepting the Imperfections and Behaving Accordingly

Now the sudden breakup had put me in a tight spot. So I had to start looking inwards. And as I began introspecting, things started making more sense. Now I wasn’t hesitating to acknowledge my imperfections. Instead, I embraced them, responding with a constructive attitude.

“Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together.”
― Brené Brown

It is one thing to acknowledge mistakes; accepting the gravity of our actions is another. According to a Forbes piece, 5 Ways To Turn Your Mistake Into A Valuable Life Lesson, we must ask tough questions. It is because self-acceptance is incomplete if we don’t have the answers to a few specific issues.

I asked myself the following questions:

Why did I lie?
Under similar circumstances, would I do it again?
What did it cost me?
What did it cost to the other person?
What did I learn from all these?

I spent months looking for the answers, one by one. And as I found them all, I could look at the situation with a little more clarity. Now next off was looking for the reasons why I would not do the same thing again.

The answer was loud and clear. When I would look in the mirror, I wanted to like myself for who I am.

Instead of living with a false perception, I wanted to be the best version of myself. I knew I would not be perfect. But I wanted to be good.

. . .

It’s Not Always About Me

Recently, I had a peculiarly bad-day with my family. Then one thing led to another, and I ended up spending the entire day reading some books. Eventually, I came across The Bookish Life of Nina Hill by Abbi Waxman. I had read this book previously, and I absolutely relished its comedic tone. Thus, I chose to give it a re-read.

There was a part in the book that shook me from inside. Nina, the protagonist, had been unhappy with her life lately. Therefore, she ended up speaking to her mother, expressing her emotions. And the conversation follows like this:

“Does everyone else feel like this?”

“Like what? Worried? Uncertain? Hopeful and cynical at the same time?”

“Yeah.”

“Sure they do, baby. That’s how it feels to be alive.”

“It’s not a good feeling.”

“Well, who knows what a fish feels; it might be even worse.”

―The Bookish Life of Nina Hill

As we become exceedingly aware of our feelings and needs, it gets so easy to fall into an invisible trap of self-indulgence. We end up neglecting the people around us. It leads us to speak when we should have listened. We become insensitive when we should be caring.

I have been there, and I hardly noticed it.

I used to spend my days focusing on my work, my feelings, my insecurities, and my needs.

I did not acknowledge the struggles my father went through to provide me with a living. Nor did I learn the significance of the burn marks on my mother’s hands, which she received while cooking for me. To me, it was always about their imperfections.

. . .

A Concluding Note:

In the end, I found self-love when I not only accepted my imperfections but also of those whom I love. Sure, It did take some time, some help, and a lot of self-discipline. But it was worth it.

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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