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The thing that separates rape from sex is not violence or power, as some would have you believe, but consent. Consensual sex is redundant; all sex is consensual. The sex act without consent is not sex; it’s rape.
I work in medical imaging, and consent is an important part of my day, every day. Consent is required before every medical procedure. In fact, in order to take your weight, temperature, or blood pressure, I first require your consent.
As it pertains to medical procedures, there are two types of consent: simple and informed. Most procedures require simple consent. As an example, when the medical assistant asks you to step on the scale and you comply, that constitutes your consent to have your weight measured and documented.
Other procedures require informed consent. While consent laws vary from state to state, in general, informed consent is required when a procedure could result in a fatality or serious harm. When I perform a stress test or give intravenous contrast, informed consent is a prerequisite. Again, the law governing informed consent varies but in general, the following is required in order to be considered appropriate informed consent:
A description of the proposed procedure
The risks and benefits of the proposed procedure
Alternatives to the proposed procedure
The risks and benefits of each of those alternatives
The risks associated with the wholesale refusal of treatment
Additionally, informed consent requires that the person giving consent be able to fully understand and appreciate the information given them. If one has an altered mental state due medication or injury, one cannot consent. If one is mentally disabled, one cannot consent. If one is a minor, one cannot consent. In short, if one lacks the mental capacity to fully understand, for any reason, one cannot consent.
Why am I telling you this? In medicine, consent falls into two neat little boxes, with finite requirements. In the sexual realm, consent is less tidy. There are, however, parallels.
Sex tends to happen organically. I can’t recall a single instance where someone has explicitly asked if he could insert his penis into my vagina. Instead, in that respect at least, sexual consent is more like simple consent. One person kisses the other and if the other doesn’t say stop and it seems enjoyable to both, then perhaps touching ensues. There’s usually some talking—I want to do x to your y sort of thing—and consent is based on the other person’s affirmative participation unless an objection is made.
Because of the organic nature of the sexual encounter coupled with the assumption of consent in the absence of objection, it is paramount that children are taught how to say no, how to accept no, and that no is a complete sentence.
There is also an informed consent component to sexual consent, or at least there should be. As sexually active adults, we owe our partners some basic, but not so fun to discuss, information. Let’s face it: sex can result in fatality or serious harm, and also in the creation of a human life and the responsibilities that entails. These are risks to having sex with someone and a discussion of those risks is important. Potential pregnancy, the prevention of same (if desired), and STIs should be considered before engaging in sex. The only way to make an enlightened choice to have or not have sex with someone is to first have full disclosure.
The act of rape ignores all of this. It not only blatantly ignores the answer no; it never even asks the question. If one forces oneself upon another in the absence of consent, it is rape. It matters not why consent was absent, only that it was lacking. It is not enough that the victim did not say no; if the victim is impaired by intoxication, drug use, or mental deficit and therefore cannot say no, consent cannot be given. If the victim initially consents, and then withdraws that consent, then consent is absent.
As I said before, sexual consent is not tidy. I can understand how, sometimes, it’s difficult to tell if consent is, or can be, granted. For example, how intoxicated is too intoxicated to agree to sex? Drunk people have sex all the time; sexual acts while drunk are not always rape. However, when the other person in your sexual equation is unconscious, that person is not your partner, but rather your victim.
The default answer is ALWAYS no. If you aren’t sure if the answer is yes, then the answer is no. If you think the other person might be impaired and his/her ability to give consent is questionable, the answer is no. If the other party is lying there, but not actively participating, the answer is no.
If the other party cannot, or will not, make an affirmative demonstration of consent, then you are not about to engage in sex; rather, it would be rape.
Sex—which includes consent—is not passive.
Neither is rape.
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Photo credit: Flickr
Has any man here ever actually had a woman ask for consent ? I’m just curious because I’m pretty sure I have not.
So, how many infant baby boys consented to their circumcision?
Sexual consent forms can be found on the internet. Nothing more romantic then a candle lit dinner, soft music and a consent form. I suppose it could “look” romantic if you rolled it up with a pretty ribbon around it?
Now fr the logistics … Do you file them under “contracts” or “sex” or by sexual partner name?
Tom
“If the other party cannot, or will not, make an affirmative demonstration of consent, then you are not about to engage in sex; rather, it would be rape.
Sex—which includes consent—is not passive.
Neither is rape.”