B”H
As happens often, my first few sessions with a new client begins with a myriad of reasons why his relationship, his marriage, is doomed:
“I’m not feeling it anymore.”
“She’s not the woman I fell in love with.”
“We never see eye to eye.”
“Communication breakdown? Try destruction!”
Inevitably, these conversations end with the age-old aphorism that “the juice just isn’t worth the squeeze.” How sad.
It then becomes my job to slowly put the pieces of his relationship back together again, rebuilding the love and connection that lies under the surface of his pain.
Some embrace the work eagerly — some kick and scream and protest. Yet eventually, most move forward and rediscover why they fell in love with their beloved wives in the first place. But for this transformation to succeed, a significant paradigm shift must occur: we must understand and accept that relationship struggle is part of being in a relationship.
I’m not sure if I should blame Hollywood, the Romantic Era, or just human nature, but somehow many of us, myself included, are under the delusion that “happily ever after” is real. And why not? What a beautiful fantasy, vision, and goal for you and your wife — I wish for that utopia someday with all my heart for everyone!
Underlying that expectation, however, sits a complete misunderstanding of the purpose of our relationship and even our lives. Because it is specifically through the back and forth, the ups and downs of life, and love, that our connection deepens and strengthens. It is only through the experience of adversity, difficulty, and shared challenges that we come to understand, accept, and make room for each other. So much so that a strong heart-to-heart bond is impossible any other way.
But tell me, what gives us the strength to persevere? What gives us the conviction to say confidently that the juice is sweet, no matter how difficult the squeeze?
To answer that question, I return to the quintessential man — the first man — Adam. When Eve approached Adam, he faced a serious choice: either refuse to eat from the fruit and stay in the Garden — alone without Eve — or take a taste and join her in exile. This was no simple decision, as Gd specifically forbade partaking of the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge. Adam understood that following Eve out of the Garden would relegate his life to much toil, suffering, and eventual death.
And yet he did eat. Why? Because Adam understood that Eve was not his burden, and the new life she forced him into was her way of creating an even stronger version of Adam than he was before. By leaving the Garden, Adam chose to create a real relationship with Gd, as an independent being, not eternally stuck in the platonic stagnant connection he had while in Eden as Gd’s puppet. Yes, it would be harder, more difficult, and more challenging. But he understood that through sacrifice, effort, and commitment, he could come closer to Gd than ever before. And this new authentic relationship with the Creator wasn’t just personal but would elevate the entire world and all Gd’s creations as well.
Maybe Eve knew this too. Perhaps that is why she choose the fruit in the first place. She wanted what was better for Adam and the world at large. She wasn’t content with an average, mediocre, or stagnant life. No — she wanted what was best for her family and all creation. And Adam was just the man to make this happen.
Like Eve, the mother of all life, the women in our lives also push, prod, and press us to be better. For ourselves, our family, and for the entire world. Our wife was created as a help-mate for us, specifically, to be a blessing, not a toy, a doll, an adjunct, or a sidepiece, heaven-forbid.
When we open our minds and hearts and see her for who she is, it doesn’t make all our frustrations, stress, or relationship problems go away. It doesn’t excuse any poor behavior or character traits. But it does give meaning and purpose to our struggle, knowing that trying — over and over again — to become one with the woman by our side is a gift Gd gives us, for which we can be thankful.
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Take a deeper dive into love, commitment, and marriage with my #1 New Release, “52 Tweets to a Great Marriage,” available now.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Nikolas Noonan on Unsplash
