Should I Leave My Husband (Again)?

Hey Wendy,

My husband and I broke up two months ago and the split was ugly. A week ago we decided to try again. I was very excited because I missed him so much even though my friends thought he treated me like crap.

During our reconciliation, he told me he hadn’t kissed another woman while we were apart. He said he would never bring another woman to our house

Imagine my surprise when I came home and saw a box of tampons and some makeup in our bathroom. He said he had no idea how the items got there and that they must belong to the housekeeper.

I started to cry and he said I was still “nuts” and he never once brought anyone to our house.

Then I saw the non-stop Facebook posting on a 24-year old woman’s profile. One post was teasing him for being too old for her, and his response was, “maybe you just need a good spanking from me”.

I am heartbroken — I really wanted this relationship to work again. Should I believe him that nothing happened? Am I overreacting?

Tracy O.

_____

Hey Tracy,

Love, you know the answer to this.

Why are you asking me?

Come on, now.

You know.

I know.

Everybody reading this column knows.

Run.

Run as fast as you can in the other direction.

You can cry to your girlfriends, eat some Ben & Jerry’s, and as the weather warms up, you’ll find the motivation to bike or hike off the latter and move on with your life.

After the dust has cleared, you’ll find someone who doesn’t tell you that you’re nuts after he’s lied to you (that’s called gaslighting).

Let’s find you someone your friends aren’t cringing and rolling their eyes over because they see how he treats you.

Someone who doesn’t whip out the old, “must be the housekeeper” line. We can’t even give him credit for originality or creativity on that one.

What he did (or didn’t do) with other women while you were separated is a non-factor here, he was single. Single people get to do whatever the hell they want, and you don’t get a vote or play detective. But that’s not the point or the problem here.

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So what comes after Ben & Jerry’s?

Before you date again, consider doing a little discovery. Figure out exactly who could make your life amazing in real and meaningful ways. Do my DIY Workshop, Partner Have-to-Haves. You’ll make a different list, adding a few more qualities to that list besides “nice eyes” and “cute butt.”

Make sure that “is nice to me” makes the list.

I’d also add “respectful” and “doesn’t gaslight me”.

Don’t settle for another man who isn’t kind and doesn’t respect you.

…

Wendy Newman is the author of 121 First Dates. She’s a dating, sex, and relationship expert who’s led hundreds of workshops and revolutionized the lives of over 70,000+ women internationally.

You can send a question to the column via email: [email protected]

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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