We all have family and friend events during the holiday season, and it can be completely overwhelming for someone suffering from anxiety or depression.
Because I have lost so many family members, I try to live my life with a certain kind of deliberateness. I have too many regrets about my father’s and brothers’ deaths—words I didn’t say, or time I didn’t have with them.
But I also suffer from depression and anxiety, with a smattering of agoraphobia just to keep things spicy. Whenever I have the opportunity to leave the house or interact with other humans, I ask myself certain questions to avoid my anxiety-brain taking a trip down Regretful Lane. I try to base my questions on doing the least harm to others and myself. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I also don’t want to break into a sweat and have to take medication just to spend some time in a place I’m not really needed. Below are some of the questions I ask myself about events or gatherings I’m considering whether to skip.
1. If I don’t show up, will I regret it tomorrow? Will there be photos on social media that will make me feel guilty or sad for not making the effort?
2. Have I given as much attention to this person as I should? When my mother-in-law passed away, I was incredibly sad that she left, but I had no regrets about the time I’d had with her, because we spent every Saturday and most Thursdays visiting with the children. I try to think of most situations that way—would I feel I had spent enough time with them if they passed away tomorrow? Morbid, but it keeps me honest.
3. Is this event once in a lifetime? Birthdays come and go, but weddings, christenings, and funerals are events you will never have a chance to make right.
4. Will I hurt someone if I don’t attend? Some events are so special to a person that not attending could cause irreparable damage to your relationship. I don’t want to hurt anyone by not showing up, I only want to protect my own body from anxiety attacks.
5. Why don’t I want to go? If I can discover the root of the problem, it might be an easy fix. Maybe there’s a specific person I don’t want to run into, or maybe I have been out of the house several times this week and my body is telling me it’s too much.
6. Is someone close to me going? Sometimes it’s easier to show up to events if you can count on a friendly face once you’re there. I often check to see if my mother is going to family events, because I know if I start to have a panic attack, she understands completely.
7. Am I going somewhere I will feel safe? I feel safe in smaller spaces, rather than large, open ones. I also need to be closer to home, most of the time.
There’s nothing wrong with taking time to take care of yourself before venturing out into the world—think of the old analogy of an airplane going down. You can’t help anyone else until you get your own oxygen mask on. But asking yourself these few questions may not only help you understand why you feel the way you do, but also help you decide if it’s worth skipping it.
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