Human socialisation is basically a process of cultivating likability.
In 1936, Dale Carnegie launched his timeless bestseller How to Win Friends and Influence People — that book is still in print today.
That is perhaps evidence of the fact that many of us will always be interesting in winning friends and keeping their great social connections. Carnegie’s basic drift is this — don’t dazzle people with your own excellence.
Scientists are still trying to figure out what exactly that draws people to each other. In many business and social situations, making a good impression is a stepping stone for closing deals, winning contracts, building connections, and forming better relationships. It pays to know which behaviours are bringing people in, or totally turning them off.
In many social situations, it’s not what you said, but what you didn’t say
If you value relationships and want to maintain them, your actions, no matter how small, makes a huge difference. If you are not great with people, silence or inaction is not always your safest bet.
Social mistakes like refusing to respond to party invitations, chat messages, or forgetting to wish someone close to you a happy birthday can make them bitter. Sometimes silence can do more harm than good.
Think of it this way: If you apply for a job, which is worse — a rejection letter, or no reply at all? The former is bad, but the latter is dismissive, and that’s a thousand times worse.
You can’t respond to everyone who wants to start a conversation with you but choose your actions and inactions prudently.
Don’t burn important bridges — especially if you are an important link in someone else’s chain of human interactions.
Any decision that results in other people feeling worse about themselves will still count against you — unless it’s not important to your circle of influence.
When and how you disclose personal information has a huge impact on your ability to sustain a relationship
In general, people gain trust after they’ve traded confidences. In psychology, it’s called the self-disclosure reciprocity effect. Self-disclosure has proven to be one of the best ways to make and keep friendships.
People who disclose reciprocally are likely to improve likeness, closeness, and perceived similarity. The important question is — when do you share personal stories and information about yourself.?
Psychologists say that disclosing something too intimate — while you’re still getting to know someone can make you seem insecure and decrease your likability. If you share something overly personal too soon, for example, you may unwittingly repel people.
The key is to get just the right amount of personal.
A study led by Susan Sprecher at Illinois State University suggests that simply sharing details about your hobbies and your favourite childhood memories can make you seem warmer and more likeable.
The authors wrote, “Although shy or socially anxious people may ask questions of the other to detract attention from themselves, our research shows that this is not a good strategy for relationship initiation. Both participants in an interaction need to disclose to generate mutual closeness and liking.”
Self-disclosure is especially important during initial interactions because it likely determines whether two people will desire to interact again, the authors observed.
Beware of humblebragging though. It makes people dislike you more than outright boasting. A study by Harvard Business Review put it this way: “Despite the belief that combining bragging with complaining or humility confers the benefits of each strategy, we find that humblebragging confers the benefits of neither, instead backfiring because it is seen as insincere.”
To increase your chances of knowing people better, be authentic and genuine. Don’t suppress your emotions
People who are genuine seem more trustworthy.
“When we come across someone who is authentic with their words and intentions, it stands out,” says Cherie Burbach, relationship expert. “People can tell when you’re not being real, and it’s annoying.”
Emotional suppression disrupts the dynamics of social interactions and relationships. One of the best ways to get along with others is to ask them about their favourite topic: themselves. “Everyone loves to talk about themselves,” says Mike Goldstein, a dating coach.
Show genuine interest in them as possible — listen, encourage, value their stories, and above all, use their name a lot.
Don’t interrogate though. Asking someone questions without talking about yourself at all is also off-putting.
A University of Oregon study found that people who suppressed their emotions were perceived as “less extraverted, less agreeable, and more insecure about relationships.
The researchers wrote: “People … do not pursue close relationships indiscriminately — they probably look for people who are likely to reciprocate their investments. So when perceivers detect that someone is hiding their emotions, they may interpret that as a disinterest in the things that emotional expression facilitates — closeness, social support, and interpersonal coordination.”
Hiding your feelings is not a desirable trait. People who suppress their emotion-expressive behaviour have difficulty forming close, supportive relationships.
Want to be more likeable? Use the mere-exposure effect to start a conversation with strangers
According to the mere-exposure effect, people tend to like other people who are familiar to them. To form better relationships with strangers, faster, use the mirroring strategy — subtly mimicking another person’s behaviour (body language, gestures, and facial expressions). Mirroring is about being in tune with other people.
In his book It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone, Robin Dreeke explains, “When you walk into a room with a bunch of strangers, are you naturally drawn to those who look angry and upset or those with smiles and laughing? Smiling is the number one nonverbal technique you should utilize to look more accommodating.”
If you want to encourage people to talk about themselves, repeat the last three words
Research shows repetition is an effective way to kee people talking without awkward silences.
In his book, How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships, Social skills expert and author Leil Lowndes says “…simply repeat — or parrot — the last two or three words your companion said, in a sympathetic, questioning tone. That throws the conversational ball right back in your partner’s court.”
Repetition shows you’re listening, interested, and engaged.
Building a better relationship with anyone takes time. When you invest time in any conversation or relationship, get the sharing just right, compliment, but with credibility, and don’t forget to smile — work on your pleasant expression. It’s not impossible to pitch yourself just right.
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Previously published on medium
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