Today was a good day. I hardly thought of her. Ego tried it’s mightiest to raise the topic but I slammed it down repeatedly until it forced me to put it in a choke-hold until it passed out.
Just accept, I told it. You’re trying to trick me into believing I need more answers. Trying to trick me into believing that I need closure. I know everything I need to know. Just leave me be.
Why was it still hounding me? Yes, she had crushed my heart into dust and let it loose in the wind. Yes, the wall that now protects the space that occupied that heart is one that Donald Trump could only ever dream of.
But why am I still battling Ego on this?
I’m going to give her compassion, I told it. I’m going to show her love. Because we’re better than anything you’re trying to bring to the table.
Early morning, after meditation and yoga, I went for a walk around the lake. I cut through the small village greeting the locals that emerged from their colourfully painted homes. Reaching the dirt track that follows the tributary towards the water, I walked slowly in meditative thought and pondered as a cart pulled by two cattle rattled past. The fields opened onto vast stretches of cut grass.
I was buzzed by swifts, surprised moor hens and a row of ducks that took off as I neared. A few storks lethargically took to the air as I approached. I continued walking, keeping an eye on my now unconscious Ego.
Egrets landed in the fields as local farmers cultivated their crops. Ibis cackled and flew across the lake to perch in the coconut trees. Goliath herons mixed in with the egrets as butterflies flew about, avoiding their beaks.
I returned to the ashram in time for my first juice of the day – beetroot, which I helped pull out of the soil on the organic farm. Lunch was carrot juice, also pulled directly from the ground. It was to give me much needed energy as my only meal of the day would be in the evening.
The previous day I finished reading Paulo Coelho’s phenomenal book, The Devil and Miss Prym.
A stranger waltzes into a small, seemingly innocent village with nothing to lose and eleven gold bars. He then challenges the villagers to commit a criminal act in which they will be rewarded with the gold which will set them and their future generations for life.
The book is full of inspiring quotes and stories-within-stories but one line stood out for me:
Man needs what’s worst in him in order to achieve what’s best in him.
It hit me in that part of the brain that goes, Oh.
Perhaps both she and I had needed to do this terrible act against each other –the way I sought the truth, the way she held onto the lies even though they were out in full parade, like a Macy’s balloon, in order for both of us to be able to bring out the best version of ourselves – one day.
Maybe when the stormy waters settle and the sun sets into a pink sky, she’ll see clearer.
Red sky at night, sailor’s delight.
Maybe she’ll realise.
I don’t know.
Now I’m reading Fear: Essential Wisdom for Getting Through the Storm by Zen master, Thich Nhat Hanh.
It’s a compelling book. It’s really helping to get through this painful period– the most hurt I’ve ever been.
At night I bring out a mat, lay it on the earth in the field and stare up at The Universe along with the others from the ashram. Star-meditation. It’s nice to realise how small of a cosmic dust particle we actually are. The occasional shooting star streaks the sky, along with planes and satellites. A firefly tricks us momentarily but I’ve learned to differentiate.
Now I need to learn to differentiate between what I actually need and what I don’t. I don’t need to continue to carry this anger against her. I don’t need it at all. She’s been through enough and so have I.
Release the anger, the fear, because what’s done is done and nothing can change that. All we can do is learn and grow and strengthen.
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