Ever been obsessed with an on-again, off-again lover you’d do anything to capture? Ever called a lover long after they had shown you the door? Stop!
Don’t make that call. The pursuit of an ex-lover is not just humiliating; it is exhaustive and worst still at a time when you need all your strength to get over a painful breakup.
Usually, a breakup is a process where both of the parties are in dialogue, but if one gets angry and wouldn’t talk to the other, there is a break in communication. There is no closure in this case and it can leave the other party feeling hopeless.
Most people after a breakup fight to get back a lover, who never treated them well or no longer wants them. This is apparently because they love their lovers more than themselves.
There is a need for you to figure out why you would be so willing to once again settle for someone who has formerly mistreated you and who virtually doesn’t want you anymore.
A possible reason why most people get so consumed about reuniting with an ex is a feeling of abandonment that runs very deep within them. So, rather than feeling that horrible pain they continue calling their ex who no longer wants to talk to them.
The abandonment might have been there a long time probably resulting from the death of a parent or even a divorce. However, even those with good parenting and intact families can still have feelings of deprivation and a lot of anxiety issues.
For some, this feeling might arise from the challenging emotional separation from their parents and difficulty in taking responsibility for their own actions.
Also, there might be intimacy issues that unconsciously make a lot of people not wanting to have real relationships and thus settling for those that might even be abusive. They may also be very self-centered feeling as though they are entitled to the person.
Often to heal quicker from a breakup, rationalizing the loss, rather than feeling it, may help early recovery from the wounds of a breakup. Rationalizing the loss allows it to go into the brain, which prevents you from feeling the raw feelings of rage. You have to get over with it once and for all, or it will relentlessly go on and on.
Running after your ex only makes matters worse for you. While you may be thinking that they are going to come back to you, the fact is that unless he/she is very committed to therapy and growth, there’s little chance of a comeback. Trying to cajole your ex with your persistent calls just doesn’t work; it never has and never will.
To free yourself from this calling habit, you must first get in touch with your feeling of anger toward your ex. You need to discover the real reason for the feeling of emptiness within you and also realize that as an adult you have to respect other people’s feelings.
Realize that your persistence in calling is draining everyone else as well as yourself. This can end up affecting your work and your entire social life and worst of all prevent you from starting a real relationship.
Then, you have to let go of any resentment towards your ex and forgive him/her. This is a truly miraculous way to fast recovery from a breakup – i.e. learning to forgive your ex.
With time, your relationships will get better as you study your past ones with an adult understanding, learning to avoid the mistakes you’ve made before.
Always remember that it OK to be alone as it provides new excitement and the chance of meeting new and wonderful people. Also, by not giving into the urge to call, you’re helping yourself by building emotional muscles.
Going through a period of loneliness can also help you to contain your feelings, and become more accountable for your actions in general. When it’s all over, you’ll be glad with yourself as you’ll have more dignity and purpose.
Finally, a quote from Herman Melville’s “Pierre” will help in understanding that a breakup can also be a wonderful thing, when he stated that “He who has never loved, nor once looked deep down into his own lover’s eyes, knows not the sweetest, loftiest religion of this earth.”
Love is worthwhile even if it’s not permanent (as one would obviously prefer). Indeed you can become a happier person by sparing yourself the heartache and humiliation by not calling your ex.
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This post was previously published on Loving-Relationship.com.
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