A wonderful part of love is being able to see someone not only for who they are now, but also who they could become. We hear them talk about the things they hope to accomplish, we see them make plans and set goals, and we join them in their excitement and stand by ready to be their biggest cheerleader.
A terrible part of love is realizing you’ve fallen for someone who is never going to actually do any of those things. They are all talk and no action, or all half-completed projects, or all enthusiasm until things get hard and then they give up. It’s a pattern that will keep them and your relationship stuck in one place, and if you’re lucky you will realize it before too much time has been wasted.
Let me be clear: All of us display lack of follow-through from time to time (hello, New Year’s resolutions!), and sometimes we think a certain career move or new hobby or passion project will be a great idea and it simply doesn’t work out the way we hoped. That is part of life, and a good romantic partner will support us and stick around while we take chances and experience temporary setbacks, just as we should for them.
There’s a big difference between those occasional abandoned or failed endeavors and being locked in a pattern of halfhearted attempts or total inaction. I’m talking about the person who complains about their job for years without ever attempting to make a change. The person who always has a new project in the planning stage that never sees the light of day. The person whose dreams sound so beautiful until you realize they won’t put in the work to achieve them.
There is only so much support you can offer someone, and only so much patience you can show, before you are hindering your own potential by waiting for them to achieve theirs. It is a hard, harsh reality to face when you love someone and believe in them and want only the best for them. But your faith in them can’t make them become the person you know they could be; they have to have enough faith in themselves to do that.
It’s not too difficult to distinguish between someone who is simply going through a rough patch and someone who seems fundamentally wired to underachieve. If you look back at your partner’s history and see a list of “almost’s” and “partial’s” and “I was going to but…” then you have a pretty clear indication of where things are headed.
Sure, you can stick around hoping your love will help energize them into action, but that’s a risk that can come at the expense of your own dreams and plans. And if we’re being honest, it’s rare that lack of follow-through in other areas of life doesn’t eventually spill over into one’s romantic relationship — and you deserve better than that.
It’s heartbreaking to realize the person you love is standing in the way of their own potential. But there comes a point when standing still with them is no longer supportive; it’s enabling. When you get to that point, it’s time for you to move on. Maybe the example you set will finally be what helps them move forward too.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Setyaki Irham on Unsplash