Carson: “I can’t believe we’re having this fight again.”
Jamie: “Seriously. All you have to do is talk to me respectfully and we wouldn’t be wasting yet another gorgeous Sunday afternoon fighting.”
Carson: “What? You’re blaming me for this? How on earth am I supposed to respond when you accuse me of disrespecting me? Do you think I’d even be here if I didn’t respect you?”
Jamie: “Funny you bring this up because sometimes I wonder if you even want to be here at all.”
Carson: “Oh my God, this conversation is going around in circles. I don’t even remember what we’re fighting about.”
Jamie: “Me neither.”
I’m a couples therapist who has been helping people save their marriages for thirty years. You mighe wonder how we spend the majority of our time in the office. It’s not uncovering unresolved attachment issues, or dealing with gender differences or infidelity. Of course, I help with these issues, but it’s not how I spend the majority of my time. It’s not even a close second.
The single most common topic we address is repairing and avoiding stupid fights.
I don’t use this word to insult anyone, because it has nothing to do with intelligence. The fights are dumb because we all become stupid when we’re upset. It has to do with the secretion of adrenaline and cortisol when we’re in a fight/flight reaction.
We need our frontal cortex to solve problems and when we don’t have access to it, we forget how to talk good. Our mouths say stuff that our brains didn’t get a chance to edit.
Stupid fights can be avoided
I’m sure you have excellent communication skills. You know how to compromise and problem-solve. You don’t have fights at work or with your friends or even your siblings now that you’re grown-ups.
That’s why it’s so frustrating to waste time on circular arguments that go on and on with no resolution.
Maybe that’s why you sometimes blame your partner for being the bad communicator. It’s not you, so it must be them.
I doubt that’s the problem.
You’re awesome and so is your partner. Of course you want to spend more time joking around, having amazing sex, and exciting adventures. It’s realistic to have more fun and stop wasting time in unproductive, annoying conversations.
Follow these 2 science-backed rules
When you’ve got lots of time on your hands feel free to brush up on your communication skills. There is a lot of excellent practical advice available about how to address specific topics.
But your efforts to apply even the best, top-notch communication skills will fall flat if you fail to do both of the following things. They both require taking a step back from the topic of the conversaation and seeing the bigger picture.
- Expand your gaze to include both the good and bad.
- Narrow your gaze from global to specific.
You should do these things in every single conversation you have throughout the day with your romantic partner, family members, and even customer service representatives. Everyone. Maybe this seems extreme, but it will become easier with practice.
The importance of positivity in conflict management
We know from Dr. John Gottman‘s research that healthy relationships have a 20:1 ratio of positivity to negativity during everyday life and a 5:1 ratio during a conflict. That is to say that even in the middle of a fight, they are five times more positive than negative.
Example of 5:1 during a conflict
Positive:
1. Hold hands
2. Smile
3. Compliment
4. Gentle nod
5. Admitting fault
Negative:
1. Criticism
Imagine fifteen more items on the positive list for a time this couple was not in the middle of an argument.
The destructive nature of negativity
The couples from the research who got divorced or separated had a .8:1 ratio of positive to negative during conflict and a 1:1 ratio when not in conflict.
Example of .8:1 for ailing couples during a conflict
Positive:
1. Hold hands
2. Smile
3. Compliment
4. Gentle nod
Negative:
1. Criticism
2. Pulls hand away
3. Rolls eyes
4. Defensive
5. Sarcasm
If there were not fighting, the couples at risk of divorce would have one more positive item on the list, and the same number of negatives.
Expand your gaze
No one intends to end up in the second category but it can happen slowly. It has nothing to do with what the fights are about and everything to do with your internal mindset. Does it tend to be negative or positive?
I am not suggesting that you start counting your positive and negative interactions. But it is worth noticing where your brain tends to linger. You will always be able to find what you are looking for.
If you are looking to find fault, that is what you will see, and if you are looking for gratitude, it is right in front of you.
Your partner is human and they have both negative and positive qualities. There is always a pessamistic spin to put on a situation, and always an optimisitic one.
The communication mistake people make is that they forget to look for good things when they are annoyed by something bad.
But it is also problematic to discount negativity entirely.
Of course, it’s important to speak up when your feelings are hurt or you need to address something difficult with your partner. People hear the positivity statistic and they mistakenly believe that means they are supposed to pretend the world is all rainbows and unicorns and stay silent when their needs aren’t being met.
This will never work.
Either you’ll build resentment, or you’ll get into a habit of allowing yourself to be mistreated.
Expand your gaze by remembering that the negative thing you are talking about is a small part of a larger picture. It requires making room for both optimism and pessimism without going too far to either side of the pedulum.
Here are some examples of how this plays out in actual conversations.
Example 1: What happens when you try to replace negativity with positivity
Carson: I’m so stressed out at work. Every time I think I’ve completed a project, they throw something else at me.
Jamie: I know, but you’re so lucky to have a job. Think about all the people who are out of work right now who would love to trade places with you.
Carson: I know you’re right.
(Now Carson i feeling worse. Feels guilty for complaining, still stressed out by a difficult job, and feels misunderstood and discounted by Jamie)
Example 2: This is what it looks like when you expand the gaze to include both positive and negative:
Carson: I’m so stressed out at work. Every time I think I’ve completed a project, they add to it or throw something else at me.
Jamie: I know how hard you work, and it’s so frustrating when they just pile more work on you and don’t even appreciate all you’re doing. Thanks so much for putting up with this BS every day. We wouldn’t be able to do half the things we do if it weren’t for how hard you work to contribute to our finances.
Carson: Thanks, Jamie.
The importance of specificity
The second guideline for you to apply to your conversations is to remember to be specific instead of global.
Global, vague statements leave a lot of room for misinterpretation.
As humans, it is much easier for us to hear feedback when it is specific and based on a behavior or mistake we’ve made instead of an over-arcing character attack.
The more specific you can be, the more likely your listener will be able to understand exactly what you are attempting to communicate.
Sometimes it seems like a good idea to show someone a pattern, so that they can fix the problem and stop making the mistake entirely. Instead of asking someone to put their plate in a dishwasher, you might want to point out that they never put their dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Perhaps it will be helfpul to add that you expect they don’t do their own dishes because their mother did it for them as a child.
All of a sudden a simple request becomes an insult, and an accusation directed toward the original target and thier mother. It’s a very common mistake and very often, it comes from the intent to be insightful and helpful.
Let’s look at some examples.
Once I read an article about healthy eating that told me how to replace unhealthy food with a healthy alternative. It was very directive: eat this: not that. Eat baked chips, not fried. Try to replace global comments with specific ones the same way you replace carbs with veggies.
How to narrow your gaze from global to specific
Here are some concrete examples of how to replace global statements with specific alternatives.
Replace: “You never listen to me.”
With: “I think you may have forgotten that I told you the Jones are coming for dinner Saturday night.”
Replace: “You always prioritize work over me.”
With: “It really annoys me when you stay late at the office without letting me know what time you’re coming home.”
Replace: “You’re a lazy sack of potatoes.”
With: “Sometimes I worry about your health.”
It even works with communicating good stuff.
Replace: “I love you.”
With: “My heart warms when I wake up, and you’re the first person I see.
Too sappy?
“I love your sense of humor. No one makes me laugh the way you do.”
You’re turn to try this at home
These two simple tricks, when done correctly, should be able to save you a ton of time on unnecessary disagreements and avoidable misunderstandings. Look for opportunities to widen your gaze to include positive as well as negative observations, and narrow your gaze from general to specific when communicating something important.
Your time is too valuable to spend another moment fighting on the living room sofa when you could be out having an adventure.
—
Previously Published on medium
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