.
.
According to a new UK-based study, “A third of people actually find their partner to be the most annoying person they know due to their infuriating habits.”
So wait . . . while we’re providing love and support to our partners, they’re secretly walking around all day upset that we left some crumbs on the kitchen counter or asked them a question while they were watching TV?
And if our partner is the person we’re supposed to be our truest self around, then where does that leave us?
We can all agree that a long-lasting, healthy connection is a beautiful and fulfilling experience. But as we depart from the dopamine-filled honeymoon phase of the relationship and into the next phase, is it possible to maintain passion and mystery?
In this video, I dive into how you can use familiarity as a foundation on which to build passion and love. (And how together, you can work on habits that might frustrate the other person without the conversation itself eroding the relationship.)
And remember, in the end, small shifts can lead to you becoming irreplaceable in your partner’s eyes. And in this video, I’ll show you how to make that happen.
Transcript provided by YouTube:
00:00
i would go as far as to say
00:02
i don’t even think this is a stretch to
00:04
say it has to be one of
00:07
the causes
00:08
of so many affairs
00:10
the desire to be impressive again the
00:13
desire to be seen
00:15
in uh
00:17
in a new light again to be seen for the
00:19
first time again
00:20
[Music]
00:24
this was an article in men’s health
00:28
that talked about the fact that a third
00:29
of people in relationships say their
00:32
partner is the most
00:34
annoying person they know
00:38
so a third of people in a relationship
00:41
consider their other half to be the most
00:42
annoying person they know because of
00:45
their infuriating habits
00:48
the average loved-up brit
00:51
spends up to a fifth of their day each
00:53
day feeling frustrated with their
00:56
significant other because of snoring
00:58
passing wind
01:02
loudness
01:04
messiness
01:05
and rudeness
01:07
equivalent to almost five hours of pure
01:10
unbridled irritation per
01:14
day
01:15
now so you’re so fine i’m interested to
01:17
hear this is brits i don’t know if the
01:20
passing wind thing is a british thing or
01:22
if that’s like if that crosses borders
01:24
if they did it for americans so this
01:26
maybe if it was americans it would be
01:27
the number one most annoying thing
01:29
they’re saying all of these well that’s
01:31
your experience of americans i don’t
01:33
know what you’re saying but um but five
01:35
hours they’re saying that adds up to of
01:37
all those things not five hours of
01:39
passing wind just five hours of bad
01:40
habits
01:41
but considering you’re asleep you’re
01:43
asleep for about eight hours so
01:46
five hours is a lot of your day
01:48
that seems a bit
01:50
i
01:51
i suppose if you just assemble all the
01:52
times i don’t know i mean that seems too
01:56
much it does sound like a lot to me
01:58
it also lists other
02:00
it also lists other vexing traits as
02:03
talking through tv shows
02:06
bad with money using their phone mid
02:09
conversation that is an annoying one
02:13
leaving clothes on the bedroom floor
02:16
that’s you stephen yep leaving crumbs on
02:19
the kitchen side also you okay fair
02:22
enough what are you my partner are you
02:26
steve in one form or another i’ve been
02:28
your partner
02:29
since i was three years old
02:32
or two i suppose
02:34
i’ve dealt with your crumbs on the side
02:37
and the final the final one says never
02:39
listens and that’s you
02:43
so if we’re gonna start on each other
02:46
well sorry i threw i was happy to throw
02:49
you under the bus on a couple of very
02:51
easygoing ones clothes on the bedroom
02:53
floor which we all know is a [ __ ]
02:55
understatement when it comes to you
02:56
we’ve all seen your bedroom mate
02:59
hey
03:00
we haven’t all seen it no it’s
03:02
it’s well okay and that and that’s a
03:05
good thing for you steve because it
03:07
might change a couple of opinions if
03:09
people saw the bomb site
03:11
that was your room the cup’s in there
03:13
some old [ __ ] tangerine pill from
03:16
2000 from a bath in 2017. yeah but
03:20
you’re talking about bachelor steve when
03:21
i have a girlfriend i’m like a drill
03:23
sergeant i’m cleaning that up before
03:25
they all come over all right
03:27
so you won’t do it for the rest of us
03:29
but but you do it for your lady but for
03:32
the woman i love i will clean up those
03:34
tangerine pills
03:36
you’re making me sound like a monster
03:40
no i’m not that my point was i was
03:42
throwing you under the bus on kitchen
03:44
crumbs and you said i never listen
03:46
that’s a damning one
03:50
and sometimes you use your phone mid
03:52
conversation
03:53
that i thought that when i said it’s a
03:55
bad one i literally thought of myself
03:58
but look none of us are perfect well
04:00
it’s been it’s been uh enlightening
04:02
hasn’t it this sec i’m glad i’m glad we
04:05
did this one glad we did this topic um
04:07
of those surveyed 41 say they said they
04:10
wouldn’t change
04:12
their partner’s annoying habits because
04:14
it’s what makes them
04:16
them
04:18
i like the idea that they spend five
04:20
hours a day of cumulative time being
04:23
wound up by it but they still wouldn’t
04:25
change it i i just can’t imagine you ben
04:28
without your snoring and breaking wind i
04:30
just can’t even i can’t even picture
04:33
life without it it’s you your
04:36
your gas is what makes you
04:39
you i i wouldn’t i’ll tell you what gary
04:41
i wouldn’t change it for the world
04:45
but but i can’t bloody stand it well i
04:48
think that we all
04:51
think we have it worse than we do
04:53
i’m not talking about genuinely abusive
04:56
traits we can take that off the table
04:58
i’m talking about the these types of
05:00
things that have been listed here i
05:02
think a lot of us
05:03
or maybe i don’t it’s not that we think
05:05
we have it worse than we do we’ve we
05:08
think we have it so much worse relative
05:10
to somebody else
05:12
because familiarity breeds contempt
05:16
that is where that phrase comes from
05:19
it’s
05:20
much easier
05:22
to glorify what else is out there
05:25
while you’re with someone experiencing
05:27
their long-standing
05:29
habits that
05:31
you get to see because you’re
05:33
comfortable together and you spend a lot
05:35
of time together and then compare that
05:38
to the
05:39
superficial
05:41
veneer of somebody else’s practiced good
05:45
manners that come out
05:47
day to day with strangers or with free
05:50
you know steve you know i bet i i’ve
05:52
seen you i’ve seen you with friends you
05:54
see once every couple of months you’re
05:56
absolutely charming
05:58
right thank you very much
06:00
you are you’re an absolute delight to be
06:02
around when you see you every couple of
06:04
months
06:06
but you know when you when you’re
06:07
together with you every day i’m not
06:09
saying you’re not lovely but it’s a
06:10
different side of you
06:12
why is this all about having a go at me
06:14
i don’t i just
06:16
it’s not i’m just i’m using you as an
06:18
example okay so i’m a difficult daily
06:21
person to be around
06:23
i think well i think i am too
06:25
i think i’m i think i’m quite difficult
06:29
i’m pretty easygoing i think people
06:30
would i think people would have no
06:32
idea how difficult i can be oh they
06:35
certainly don’t no they certainly don’t
06:37
and so my point is that you don’t you
06:39
you know you you think you have it so
06:42
bad with these things but you know trade
06:44
trade them for another person you’re
06:46
going to get another set of annoying
06:47
habits yeah that’s why sometimes people
06:50
probably think they probably sometimes
06:53
go back to their exes and they think oh
06:55
god what did i let go there
06:57
because this new person
06:59
is bloody nightmare
07:01
right
07:02
right
07:03
yeah and they probably start missing
07:05
their ex because they think god i let go
07:06
of a good thing there and i was
07:08
complaining the tricky part as well is
07:10
that some of the bad habits
07:13
that rear their heads or the ones that
07:15
bother us
07:17
are part of a continuum
07:19
that connects two sides of them we
07:22
initially got attracted to
07:24
can you explain that well not to bring
07:26
it back to you steve but let’s take your
07:28
mess no go on yeah yeah crumb leave
07:31
leaving crumbs everywhere what
07:33
go on tell me why it’s a good thing
07:35
really
07:36
well
07:38
well
07:40
steve you are extremely bright
07:44
okay you are an intellectual
07:46
you are
07:48
an academic
07:49
your word’s not mine you are
07:52
you are
07:53
a doctor
07:55
that is true
07:56
and those things about you it’s like you
08:00
you have that sort of sherlock holmes
08:03
creative genius thing about you where
08:06
you just you you’re bookish you lose
08:09
yourself in thoughts and ideas and
08:13
you’re concerned with the big things in
08:15
life
08:16
you know you are concerned with the big
08:17
ideas the philosophies the
08:20
systems that
08:22
that make things happen and
08:25
what that means is
08:26
that your mind really you don’t care
08:29
about that
08:30
that you know those clothes strewn
08:33
across your bedroom floor you don’t care
08:36
you’re more interested in the book
08:38
you’ve been reading that day so that you
08:40
know that when you meet you and you go
08:42
god this guy’s mind this is a great mind
08:45
this is
08:46
i mean this is a mind that is doing some
08:48
serious heavy lifting again your words
08:52
this is a thinker
08:54
you know and then you get out you get
08:56
back to your bedroom and you go what’s
08:57
the [ __ ] tangerine
08:59
peel doing on the floor
09:01
again before a woman comes around i
09:03
clean that up
09:05
right all i’m saying is you can actually
09:08
draw a line between the two
09:11
sometimes the spontaneity that we find
09:14
exciting in someone
09:16
exciting in someone is also
09:19
responsible for the lack of
09:22
presence we feel when we’re with them
09:26
or the fact that we can’t seem to pin
09:29
them down for plans because they’re
09:31
someone who likes doing things in the
09:32
moment and they don’t like making plans
09:34
and initially you were attracted to that
09:37
but now you’re actually finding it a bit
09:39
frustrating sometimes the fact that you
09:41
thought someone was incredibly
09:42
charismatic in the early stages of
09:44
dating comes back to bite you because
09:47
you find out they continue to be very
09:49
charismatic
09:50
while you’re dating them and
09:52
they give their attention quite freely
09:55
in every direction so now you feel like
09:57
this person that had your attention
09:59
because of their flirtatious nature or
10:01
their charismatic nature
10:03
now is the same person who makes you a
10:06
bit jealous because
10:08
that energy is something they continue
10:10
to exude now that you have them
10:12
well some things clearly like you’re
10:14
saying is an offshoot of their good
10:16
qualities so you either say well i
10:19
really appreciate that and that’s not a
10:21
person they’re ever gonna be
10:23
but you could also say well there might
10:24
be easy solves to some bad habits right
10:27
or bad things
10:28
if i just
10:30
if i just have a cleaner a few times a
10:32
week then the thing you’re saying is a
10:34
problem is gone isn’t it so you could be
10:36
like oh well you could just solve that
10:38
really quickly if you uh
10:40
if you just chill out a little bit extra
10:42
for it
10:43
you can mitigate some of your bad habits
10:45
and this goes for any relationship
10:49
i mean this is not just romantic for any
10:52
many people live at home with siblings
10:54
parents
10:56
children you know you you’re we’re often
10:59
forced into close proximity with people
11:02
whose habits frustrate us
11:06
there’s a couple of things we can do
11:07
first
11:09
look at
11:10
look it’s very easy if i’ve known
11:12
someone for a long time it’s very easy
11:15
for me to start focusing only on the
11:18
things
11:19
that bug me
11:20
about that person
11:22
and to completely take for granted the
11:25
wonderful traits they have that you just
11:29
have normalized yeah
11:32
and the other people would find amazing
11:34
in that person
11:36
that other people would find incredible
11:38
about your sister your brother your
11:40
girlfriend your boyfriend
11:42
your parents you know what are the
11:44
things they have that you no longer give
11:46
them credit for but that doesn’t mean
11:48
that they don’t deserve credit
11:51
and the other thing is
11:54
we should understand
11:56
what habits of mine
11:58
don’t make me easy to live with
12:02
but the person i’m with
12:04
accepts
12:06
because if we understand that that can
12:09
actually breed some compassion towards
12:11
their things
12:13
it it often is a lack of self-awareness
12:15
that makes us so frustrated about things
12:18
in other people
12:20
there’s a friend of mine who you know in
12:24
his 30s was talking about
12:27
how he you know he was he was he kept
12:30
ending relationships and starting new
12:32
ones and ending them and starting new
12:34
ones and
12:36
his mum once said to him you know when
12:37
are you going to settle down when are
12:39
you going to find someone and why do you
12:41
always lose every person that you’re
12:43
with why do you and he says you know mom
12:45
i’m looking for the i’m just looking for
12:48
someone who’s
12:49
who’s got it oh you know
12:51
i don’t feel like i should settle i want
12:53
it i want someone who’s who’s got it all
12:55
because he saw any
12:57
anything that was missing in a person as
12:59
well that would be me settling
13:01
if i went for that person
13:04
and his mum said to him
13:06
i hate to be the one to break it to you
13:10
but you’re not perfect
13:14
and
13:17
that’s something
13:18
we would all do well to remember at
13:20
certain points
13:22
when we’re thinking of
13:24
you know this is irrelevant for anyone
13:25
who’s listening to this podcast right
13:26
now who is in the stage of dating and
13:28
they are looking for a partner
13:31
they’re doing the choosing
13:33
we
13:34
often
13:36
in a
13:37
derogatory way refer to
13:42
being with someone who doesn’t have it
13:44
all in your eyes as settling
13:49
right
13:50
and and it’s a quite it’s quite a
13:52
damaging term
13:54
when you think about it the idea of
13:56
settling because it puts a very negative
13:59
connotation on the idea
14:01
that you would
14:03
make your peace with being with someone
14:06
who hasn’t got it all as if anyone does
14:09
maybe you have specific love life
14:11
questions for me about something you’re
14:13
going through right now well there is a
14:15
place where i answer them and that’s my
14:18
love life club this is for a group of
14:21
people who have decided to be coached by
14:24
me every month in a more intimate
14:26
setting than
14:28
youtube if you want to come be part of
14:31
this go to
14:32
askmh.com the link is in the description
14:35
for a 14-day free trial instead of
14:40
having the self-awareness to say
14:43
maybe
14:45
i can come to terms with the fact that i
14:47
don’t have it all
14:50
that there are things that are
14:52
frustrating or annoying about me there
14:55
were things that someone
14:57
will have to in some way come to accept
15:00
about me
15:02
and therefore i need to be able to do
15:04
the same
15:06
in the other direction
15:09
and that far from
15:11
settling
15:12
there’s actually a form of
15:14
accepting
15:16
it’s a kind of maturing it’s a kind of
15:19
growing up in the way that we
15:21
see relationships yeah now does that
15:24
mean that within a relationship we
15:25
shouldn’t
15:27
find ways to mitigate some of our truly
15:29
bad habits no i i there’s a difference
15:32
between quirks and genuinely bad habits
15:35
you know i think we have to make a kind
15:37
of distinction there
15:39
it’s not
15:40
you know
15:41
being in a relationship with someone who
15:44
never does the dishes isn’t charming no
15:48
that’s not a
15:49
you know oh that’s just that’s just them
15:53
no that’s a shitty teammate
15:55
yeah and if they show zero effort of
15:58
something that is of in you know of a
16:00
need to you
16:01
that’s a problem exactly yeah and and
16:04
let’s be clear if you stress something
16:06
that
16:07
you need
16:08
in order to feel
16:10
appreciated
16:12
if you feel like what you have is
16:14
someone who’s not being a team player in
16:16
the responsibilities of a relationship
16:19
or of a household or of a
16:21
two people trying to survive together
16:23
trying to get through life together and
16:25
and and build together and you know it’s
16:27
like a company right you’re running a
16:28
company together the two of you are
16:31
running the company that is yuko
16:34
right
16:35
you and i in a relationship and that
16:38
company we want that company to thrive
16:40
well have i got a really bad partner in
16:43
that company who doesn’t pull their
16:44
weight that’s a genuine problem
16:46
right so we have to differentiate
16:48
between quirks and genuinely
16:51
poor habits
16:56
and and we have to be able to bring up
16:58
genuine poor habits
17:00
to say i
17:02
need more
17:03
or i would appreciate if if you helped
17:05
more in this department or if you didn’t
17:08
do that as much
17:10
and we should look at ourselves and say
17:12
what could i do to mitigate some of my
17:14
worst habits
17:16
you know that that’s that to me is part
17:19
of growth in a relationship
17:21
if i
17:23
do catch myself checking my phone i have
17:25
to be self-aware enough to say
17:27
actually this isn’t
17:29
this isn’t a great behavior
17:31
and if someone calls me out on this
17:33
rather than be defensive i should be
17:35
open to hearing why that’s
17:37
not
17:38
a pleasant thing for somebody else to
17:40
experience
17:42
we have to be open to that yeah
17:45
yeah
17:46
that initial reaction to criticism is so
17:49
difficult to fight at first as well if
17:52
you just leap too defensive
17:54
i’ve caught i’ve just found myself
17:56
recently i’ve started just taking pauses
17:59
with a criticism
18:01
and when i just get level headed
18:03
you know it’s like even asking for
18:05
someone to go oh can you give me some uh
18:07
constructive feedback on that thing i
18:09
just did even if someone said something
18:10
negative you’re like okay
18:13
i asked them to say that so
18:15
let’s just pause a second and go okay
18:18
that’s helpful good to know and just
18:20
that there’s so much in that pause it’s
18:23
the hardest thing
18:25
to do
18:26
but it’s we’re all
18:28
it’s where so much
18:30
of our growth actually is
18:32
and i i know there’s always a moment
18:36
where
18:36
i feel i’ve moved on sufficiently from a
18:39
way that i was
18:42
that it becomes
18:44
um easy and even enjoyable to talk about
18:48
you know how when we’re is in in a sense
18:51
when we’re playing mentor to somebody
18:53
else
18:54
on something that we know at one point
18:56
we had to change
18:58
it’s kind of like um
19:01
if i take
19:02
my
19:04
doing videos five or ten years ago
19:08
i’ll be able to find things in those
19:10
videos that i did that i no longer do
19:14
they might be little ticks
19:16
they might be things that i on
19:18
reflection when i watch them i’m like oh
19:20
you know i don’t like when i say things
19:22
like that or i was doing that because i
19:24
was insecure or whatever
19:27
and i’ve worked them out of my speech i
19:30
speak more effectively
19:33
well
19:35
i can look back now and talk about those
19:37
things
19:38
because i have some distance from them
19:40
because i’ve already improved them
19:42
and that’s when we tend to get
19:43
comfortable talking about our flaws is
19:45
once we’ve already improved them
19:48
but if we can
19:50
instead kind of get comfortable
19:54
experiencing them now from the point of
19:57
view of something we have to change then
19:58
we can actually do the work that gets us
20:01
to the improvement quicker
20:03
is the denial of those things the
20:06
protracted denial
20:09
that
20:10
makes those things take so long to fix
20:13
in our lives you just have to remember
20:15
that the thing that you’re embarrassed
20:17
to admit about yourself today will one
20:20
day
20:21
or can one day be the thing that you
20:23
look back and
20:24
help someone else learn on because you
20:26
go oh i was once
20:28
i once did that
20:29
and i no longer do that that day can
20:31
come sooner if we’re able to acknowledge
20:34
those things now
20:35
and let’s be clear in 10 years i plan to
20:39
if you take my speaking as an example
20:43
i plan to speak far more effectively
20:45
in 10 years than i do today
20:49
i still
20:51
i still look at the way i speak today
20:54
and i i use this as an example just
20:56
because speaking is something i think a
20:57
lot about because it’s
20:59
the probably the most fundamental or one
21:01
of the two or three most fundamental
21:03
skills in what you and i do stephen is
21:06
the ability to speak well
21:08
but
21:10
i can look at my speech even today and
21:12
i’m constantly looking at it going what
21:14
am my bad speaking habits
21:18
what are the things you know if i swear
21:20
if i curse it’s not that i have some
21:22
huge problem with cursing but if i curse
21:24
in a sentence where i go that was
21:28
that was just it didn’t add anything
21:30
it was unnecessary and it come to think
21:33
of it
21:34
i only said it because i actually wasn’t
21:37
i didn’t have enough belief in that
21:38
moment in the point i was making making
21:41
an impact so then i swore in front of it
21:45
because i
21:46
i felt like it needed i needed somehow
21:49
to grab people’s attention with it in
21:51
other words that curse word in that
21:53
moment was a reflection of the fact that
21:55
i wasn’t
21:56
beli i wasn’t trusting enough in the uh
22:00
the ability of the point to make itself
22:02
without that yeah sometimes i
22:05
i use too many words and i afterwards i
22:08
look at it and i go wow i need to learn
22:09
to be more economical with my words so
22:12
i’m always looking at these things and i
22:15
just think the more we can get
22:16
comfortable looking at our our bad
22:18
habits
22:20
and in real time
22:22
start to make some of those changes the
22:25
more we’re just going to be
22:26
amazing as a human being and the more
22:28
we’re going to be irreplaceable as a
22:30
partner because most people in love are
22:32
not doing that
22:34
very true
22:36
you know what this makes me think of
22:37
matt
22:38
is the i think it’s some of the first
22:40
advice i ever heard from you
22:42
i think somebody asked you like what’s
22:44
your one best piece of relationship
22:46
advice
22:47
and you said
22:49
never stop impressing your partner
22:52
and i’ve been
22:54
i’ve been married for like
22:56
almost three years
22:58
and i think there’s like a slight
23:00
addendum to that
23:02
too which is
23:03
never stop being impressed by your
23:05
partner
23:06
like never stop seeing those things that
23:10
those little things that they’re doing
23:12
as they get to know you when you’re
23:13
doing all these things
23:14
um you’re working very you’re working
23:17
with mastery as you as you become a
23:19
better speaker
23:21
and uh i think it’s
23:23
i think it would suck if i never noticed
23:26
like because we’ve worked together for a
23:28
long time if i never noticed that you
23:29
were getting better
23:30
it’d be easy to just sit back and say
23:32
like okay yeah matt’s always been a
23:34
great speaker and you can start to take
23:35
it for granted but
23:37
yeah man you you have been improving
23:40
and the same with my relationship with
23:41
my wife like you need to be mindful
23:43
about paying attention to those great
23:45
things that person does for you and you
23:47
have to hope that that person is also
23:49
doing that for you as well and giving
23:52
you credit
23:53
well the credit thing and thank you for
23:55
that jameson that’s really lovely i
23:58
the the credit thing is it matters
24:00
because
24:02
as you say it’s not just for our benefit
24:04
that we continue to recognize
24:06
what’s great about our partners it’s so
24:09
that they can keep connecting
24:12
to the to the reward
24:15
of doing it of being that thing more
24:19
we do you know if you think about the
24:21
good habits we do
24:23
part of what drives us in our good
24:25
habits is the reward
24:27
if i
24:28
make a
24:30
if i go to the gym
24:33
i feel good
24:34
at the end of it there’s a feeling that
24:36
i want to get at the end of going to the
24:38
gym which is that good that little
24:40
euphoric
24:41
feeling
24:42
of that release of ah i worked out
24:46
it
24:47
if we write for an hour we’re looking
24:50
for that feeling of uh i wrote for an
24:52
hour i feel good i did that difficult
24:55
thing
24:56
we complete habits to get the reward at
25:00
the end of it
25:01
well
25:03
are we still giving our partner the the
25:06
reward from our side yeah for doing
25:08
those
25:09
good habits do we still make them feel
25:12
good for doing those things
25:14
and i think jameson you just hit on why
25:18
relationships can deteriorate over time
25:21
or why they can become stagnant or why
25:24
over time it can feel like
25:26
people are trying this
25:29
it’s because
25:31
i’m not you know when i go on a date
25:33
and i feel someone reflect back at me
25:36
what’s impressive about me
25:38
that’s
25:40
that’s something that makes you go oh
25:41
that felt good you got a hit for being
25:44
that thing yeah it’s that glow it’s and
25:46
it’s same when someone gives you some
25:48
interest or attention like if you have a
25:50
friend who never asks you questions
25:52
anymore about yourself
25:53
you start to notice like they don’t ever
25:56
pay any attention to me anymore they
25:58
don’t ever
25:59
notice the things i’m doing or care and
26:01
that
26:02
that’s that stuff registers with us over
26:04
time that’s what erodes a relationship
26:07
yeah
26:08
yeah i would go as far as to say
26:12
i don’t even think this is a stretch to
26:13
say
26:15
it has to be one of
26:17
the causes
26:19
of so many affairs
26:21
is
26:22
the desire to be impressive again
26:26
the desire to be seen
26:28
in uh
26:30
in a new light again
26:32
to to be seen for the first time again
26:36
to to
26:38
dazzle for the first time
26:41
and
26:42
it is
26:43
you know it’s why i say
26:45
relationships are for heroes
26:48
relationships are for heroes because one
26:50
of the hardest things about a
26:52
relationship
26:53
is that
26:56
you is hard to remain
26:59
as exciting to your partner as the rest
27:02
of the world
27:04
is because
27:07
on one level you could argue how do you
27:09
compete
27:11
how do you continue to compete with the
27:13
world of mystery
27:16
when you become over time a completely
27:19
known quantity
27:22
taking the risk that someone is going to
27:24
be with you and stay with you
27:27
despite the fact that you are becoming a
27:30
completely known quantity to them and
27:32
the rest of the world remains ex this
27:35
mysterious exciting thing
27:37
is a brave act
27:40
it’s a heroic act
27:42
it takes guts
27:44
because you know what doesn’t take guts
27:46
living on the outside all the time
27:50
living on the outside dipping into
27:52
someone’s life being mysterious being
27:54
exciting and then disappearing
27:57
that doesn’t take guts
28:00
because i all i’m relying on for your
28:02
interest is my mystery
28:05
my scarcity
28:07
my excitement if you’re in a
28:09
relationship and you have an affair with
28:11
me
28:13
that doesn’t take any guts by me it’s
28:15
easy to be exciting on the outside of a
28:17
relationship and come in and make
28:19
someone inside a relationship feel that
28:21
you’re dazzling and exciting
28:23
and amazing because you only have to be
28:25
there for five minutes
28:28
right it’s like somebody else like we
28:30
you know steve we have nephews right
28:33
what happens with nephews and nieces we
28:35
go home
28:36
we get to play with the nephews and
28:37
nieces for five minutes
28:39
and they seem like the greatest thing
28:41
ever
28:43
but if we’re with them for three hours
28:46
you start to go okay this is a lot
28:49
this is this is a lot of work you know
28:52
but you see the mums and dads of kids
28:54
and you’re like oh my god they’re so
28:56
amazing they’re so adorable like you
28:58
love them because you’re with them for
28:59
an hour and they’re like try being here
29:01
tonight
29:03
try still being here next week
29:05
it’s
29:06
tough
29:08
right it’s easy for my kids to come and
29:10
make you think they’re the most exciting
29:12
charming thing in the world for five
29:14
minutes
29:15
yeah right being that’s why parenting is
29:18
heroic
29:20
right because you don’t leave
29:22
you you stay
29:24
and you stay through all of the
29:25
difficult stuff
29:27
you stay through the bad habits
29:29
you stay through all of that realness
29:32
and um
29:34
and i think that that’s one of the one
29:36
of the most beautiful things about a
29:38
relationship
29:41
is that you build something
29:43
over time
29:45
that is
29:46
that is
29:48
more exciting
29:50
than mystery
29:53
you you build something that is
29:56
um
29:58
it’s it’s beautiful
30:00
you’re building beauty you’re in in a
30:02
way you’re valuing beauty over mystery
30:05
yeah
30:06
right
30:07
and and the more you add to it and and
30:10
the more you come to accept each other
30:11
and see each other and bring out the
30:13
best in each other
30:15
the more you’re building the beauty of
30:17
the relationship and valuing that over
30:20
the mystery and i think that people pay
30:23
a price in life in general and i know in
30:26
my past i’ve paid a price for it
30:29
for valuing mystery overview over true
30:32
beauty
30:33
yeah you pay a price for that because
30:36
you’re chasing a drug
30:38
and you’re chasing a drug that that can
30:40
never live up to its promise
30:42
we all have to decide whether what we
30:44
want is a real relationship
30:47
or a perfect mystery
30:49
i really want you to watch this next
30:50
video i think it’s going to make a big
30:52
difference in your life click the link
30:53
here and then
30:55
we’re looking every day for reassurance
30:57
did you mean what you said yesterday are
30:59
you are you really going to stay with me
31:01
are you really never going to cheat on
31:02
me
31:03
we can never get enough reassurance and
31:05
reassurance always needs to be topped up
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
 |
 |
 |
 |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Shutterstock
