Ten Common Ways We Damage Our Relationships

Best friends forever. Love never dies. While these ideas might define our perception of relationship goals, we actually have to nurture our relationships to keep them healthy, which is no easy feat on top of our myriad other responsibilities. We can be left wondering how we went from falling in love to falling apart.

But, of course, it doesn’t just happen to romantic relationships. All the relationships in our lives require at least minimal routine maintenance if we plan to continue them. Some, no longer fit or we simply outgrow. While we can’t control who comes and goes in our lives, we can pay attention to the impact our actions have on our relationships.

In more challenging years, it can be difficult to do anything but phone it in. I feel like that has been this whole year for me. I’ve noticed I’m more cautious about who gets my time and energy because I have so little of it to spare. I can’t hold space for anyone who requires more than I have to give. I also have to be wary about who I speak to on the most challenging days — by taking into account who is more likely to dish out advice versus simply listening.

But even the most challenging years require us to be intentional when it comes to nurturing our relationships. The alternative can be unintentional damage. While the impact isn’t always immediately obvious, over time, the small acts of destruction destroy our relationships.

Here are ten common things we might be doing to damage our relationships:

#1 We don’t make time for them.

Friendships and romantic relationships both represent a time commitment. The time we may have available for them may ebb and flow with our lives, but if we fail to make that time, we will certainly damage those relationships. In friendships, this could look like the repeated invitations turned down with no attempt at ever making space for this person we call our friend. In romantic relationships, it looks like squeezing in time for the one we’ve chosen to partner without clearing out any space just for them.

We may not have as much time to give, but it doesn’t have to represent a huge time commitment. It’s more about prioritizing the time we have, so that our most valued relationships aren’t the first to get the squeeze. In situations where we have little choice due to work or other commitments, we’ll need to communicate clearly so that the people we love don’t feel slighted by it.

#2 Our attention is divided.

While it’s important to make time, the time actually needs to be of the quality variety. If we can’t tune in and pay attention, we aren’t really nurturing the relationship at all. It can often leave the other person feeling like we just don’t care.

My anxiety has been so high this year that it’s been a challenge for me to pay attention. A lifelong multi-tasker, I’ve had to learn how to do one thing at a time for even a small hope of doing anything well — including relationships. I can’t talk and scroll through social media or have a conversation and still manage my kids at the same time. Sometimes, I have to choose, so that whoever gets my time can also have a moment of my undivided attention.

#3 We handle conflict poorly.

For most of us, conflict is uncomfortable. But our relationships require that we learn to handle it in healthy ways. If we consistently handle conflict poorly, we’re damaging our relationships.

Disrespect, yelling, name-calling, and a refusal to ever take responsibility for our actions will destroy our relationships. For most of us, our conflict management style is reflective of the way we were raised, but if we don’t learn healthier ways to address conflict, we’re participating in epic self-sabotage. People aren’t going to stick around forever and put up with our abuse — at least, they shouldn’t.

Since I didn’t learn effective conflict management skills growing up, I’ve had a lifelong struggle to learn and practice them. It absolutely takes practice. And messing up. And trying again. But to have healthy relationships, we have to be able to address problems in healthy ways.

#4 We avoid conflict.

Avoiding conflict is easily as damaging as handling it poorly. It just flies under the radar. It breeds resentment and simmers below the surface. The conflict doesn’t go away. Instead, it mutates into a loss of intimacy in the relationship — with at least one party wondering what the hell happened.

#5 We neglect to apologize.

Apologizing isn’t just saying sorry and sweeping everything under the table. In fact, a bad apology can be worse than none at all. It requires actual contrition, an apology without excuses, an attempt at making amends, taking responsibility for our behavior, and making ongoing changes so that we don’t repeat the offense we’ve just apologized for. It’s not as easy as saying a couple of words and absolving ourselves of a guilty conscience.

#6 We make them responsible for our feelings.

I’ve been in more than one relationship where I was put in charge of someone else’s feelings. With my history of poor boundaries, I often took that responsibility on, but as I’ve grown and learned how to be healthier, I’ve began to sort out my own responsibility from everyone else’s. These days, the only person’s feelings I’m directly responsible for are my own.

I have met people who are unhappy with their significant other who don’t even realize that they are perpetually unhappy regardless of who they’re with. It’s easy for the blame to shift to someone else rather than realizing that we have to actually be happy people to be in happy relationships. No one else is going to wave a magic wand and make everything better. That’s not adult thinking.

#7 We criticize rather than support.

Relationships that are mainly characterized by criticism simply don’t thrive. When we love someone, we should want them to be happy. If all we offer the relationship is constant criticism, we’re not exactly adding value to their lives. We certainly wouldn’t want to partner someone who only ever offers negative feedback rather than support.

#8 We address our discomfort rather than their problem.

While this goes back to poor conflict management, it’s important to have some awareness about defensiveness within relationships. When someone is struggling or has an issue with something we’ve done, we need to address the problem rather than trying to assuage our own discomfort with the situation. Often, we’ll simply pour out advice or try to cheer them up rather than listening and being there to support them in this experience. When the problem they have is with us, it can be easy to switch into defensive mode rather than approaching the problem from a solution-focused point of view.

#9 We don’t allow room for space or growth.

Ideally, people should grow and change within relationships. They could learn new skills or take on new interests. Healthy relationships allow room for that growth. We don’t try to make people fit into the box we’ve assigned them. We let people grow and change and make different choices. If we don’t, we can fully expect them to outgrow us, too.

#10 We take them for granted.

This may be the most common thing we ever do in relationships. We take other people for granted. We assume our best friend will always be our best friend, that our partners will love us forever. We forget that those relationships require appreciation and an investment of our time and energy. It can be easy to take them for granted and then wonder why the connection begins to fade.

Relationships take work, but the healthiest relationships are worth the effort. They add joy to our lives and give us the ability to love and be loved in return. When we’re intentional about how we nurture them, we’re likely to see our relationships continue to grow and thrive.

Being aware of these tendencies to damage our relationships can help us shift our mindset to one that invests time and energy into the people we love. If we want healthy relationships, we have to work for them. Otherwise, we might as hand back in our friendship bracelets and prepare for the breakups because the damage we could do might just be the killing kind.

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

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