ONE: It’s everywhere. The more I share my own story, the more “me toos” I hear. Whether it is in the family, the workplace, intimate partnerships, siblings, even so-called “friends,” I am starting to see that it is the rare person who has not been impacted by a toxic, dysregulated personality.
TWO: It is still under-acknowledged. Sometimes when people hear I am a narcissism expert, they say something like “Oh, that word is so overused these days!” My general reply is something like “Really? I’m not sure it’s actually being used enough.” I still see far too many people excusing what is clearly toxic behavior as not so bad, or even necessary to leadership. (I will note that there may be some generational impact here, in that younger generations seem to use the word more readily than the older ones.)
THREE: The consistency of narcissistic treatment is stunning. No matter where in the world my clients are, no matter the context of where they encountered the toxic person, the stories are basically the same. Narcissists follow a classic pattern, with few variations.
FOUR: The impact is heart-breaking. I work with targets of all sorts of narcissistic abuse, both as one-to-one coaching clients and students in our trauma certification program. I hear so many stories about their long-term nervous system disruption, the way they feel lost and confused about purpose and direction, their self-doubt and “imposter syndrome,” persistent health issues, and so much more. Anyone who brushes off how incredibly toxic narcissist exposure is, is simply not paying attention.
FIVE: People don’t get targeted because they are weak and damaged. Rather, in general, they tend to be sought out by narcissists because they are strong, loving, and forgiving. The common belief that people get into narcissistic relationships because they are “co-dependent,” is not the whole story, or even the most accurate one. Current research points more to the positive traits people have that make them both attractive to narcissists, but also tend to keep them trapped in the toxic relationship.
SIX: It’s really hard to “just leave.” As much as we might wants targets to get the heck out of there and save themselves, there are embedded reasons as to why this is so hard. The pattern of abuse tends to create what is known as a “trauma bond,” which keeps the target dysregulated, reluctant to give up, and falsely hoping against hope it will somewhere get better.
SEVEN: But we are resilient. As hard as it is, and as trapped as people can feel, they do move on and recover. Sometimes my clients and students give themselves a hard time for not being “more healed” or “further along,” but the strength and courage it takes to leave is, in my view, nothing less than astonishing.
EIGHT: We can grow from the experience. As the saying goes, another effing growth experience. As much as we know that narcissistic abuse tends to create Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and also something known as Complex PTSD, there is also currently research being done on Post Traumatic Growth. This is just what it sounds like, the idea that we can go through tough things and be changed for the better. It doesn’t mean we wanted or liked the experience, it means we can hold the paradox that it both sucked and yet, we learned and grew from it.
NINE: There is a growing intolerance for narcissistic abuse. There is more awareness now than even four years ago when I figured out what I myself was dealing with. People like Dr. Ramani Durvasula have become almost household names, and exposés of cults and narcissists are the hot books, movies, podcasts and tv series.
TEN: Exploring, learning, and sharing have helped me heal. This blog has been such a powerful way for me to process my own experience. Your likes, comments, stories, support, and re-posts mean the world. It’s now been 200 posts in almost as many days and with each one I have put more of my own puzzle pieces in place. I appreciate all of you so very much and am looking forward to what the next part of the journey brings!
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A professional coach can help you unpack all the treatment you received in a narcissistic relationship/toxic workplace. Contact Ann to talk about one-to-one coaching.
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This post was previously published on But Now I Know Your Name and is republished on Medium.
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