What do you think creates the cycles of behaviors that we display? How long do you think it takes us to unlearn those behaviors?
What if I told you there was a method to control and change those behaviors?
These are the questions that many people can answer or scratch their heads as you ask because they have no clue.
Sometimes, people are overwhelmed by the emotions and feelings they experience while trying to gain a higher level of understanding.
I understand it’s a big pot of confusion that leaves you with more questions than answers.
We subconsciously learn behaviors from our past experiences, and they show up in our actions and how we engage in future relationships.
At a high level, those actions and behaviors break down into subparts: attachment styles.
I know some people reading this article are existing followers or have some idea of attachment theory. For my newcomers, welcome.
Attachment style explains our connection to past relationships and how those experiences shape our future connections.
Today, my focus is on the fearful-avoidant and what happens in moments of processing emotions.
My writing is for people looking to transition to a secure attachment style and want to learn more about the behaviors it takes to develop.
We put in the work over here. My mission is to guide you toward a new future.
The big wave
The first thing to understand about fearful avoidants is they are a combination of avoidant and anxious. What does that mean?
There are moments when conflict arises, and fearful avoidants are overwhelmed with emotions.
Conversely, there are moments when they struggle to process the emotion because their avoidant side kicks in and disregards the magnitude or presence of the emotion.
The result is you get a melting pot of confusion.
The fearful-avoidant feels the weight of emotion but might can’t add detail and color to reason with what they’re experiencing.
Whether you are the fearful-avoidant or you are the partner of one, you might experience the push/pull behavior.
The avoidant wants to connect and trust someone they have a deep bond with so they can express emotions and vent, but there is a piece of their mind that holds them back.
It can be frustrating for either person involved. You know something is wrong, but when you can’t add words to describe what is happening, it results in someone shutting down.
The problem is that the fearful-avoidant has reached the point of feeling overwhelmed. What happens when you feel overwhelmed? You get hyper-anxious, and it makes the issue worse.
The seasaw
It might be your first time hearing it, but the previous point is why the fearful-avoidant is called the hot and cold attachment style.
The cycle causes the fearful-avoidant to constantly feel weighed down by their emotions without an outlet to feel like they can express themselves.
When the fearful-avoidant feels overwhelmed with no outlet, they go into isolation mode.
There is a difference to notice differentiating the fearful-avoidant from the dismissive-avoidant.
During isolation time, the fearful-avoidant tries to break down what is happening while registering the associated emotions.
Isolation time is not removing people to create peace for the FA.
That is why you will see a fearful avoidant still communicating with their partner during isolation time.
The problem is that they can communicate with their partner but struggle to connect emotionally.
They will go hot and cold because they crave the connection but fear expressing themselves and harming the dynamic.
You’d think someone desiring a deep connection would open up and easily ask for help, but the FA has a secondary thought.
“What if I open up and kill the connection I have because I am being needy or weak.”
Fearful avoidants want to trust their partners but think dependence on their partner for help will harm the dynamic.
The turnaround
The fearful-avoidant has to learn a self-soothing mechanism to work through emotions, but the valuable thing they already possess is awareness of the issue.
The fearful-avoidant is knowledgeable and connected to the idea that they are aware of emotions but struggle to express them.
You’ll find that they can openly tell their partner that it is a struggle area.
You might notice (as an FA or a partner) that the fearful-avoidant lets out bits and pieces of emotions they are experiencing.
It can come out in small batches because the fearful-avoidant looks for acceptance.
Essentially, they are looking for the reaction from others when they release information to answer the question, “Is it safe to do this with this person?”
The FA wants a deep connection where they feel accepted and think they have a valuable outlet to express themselves. They become detached from the cycle.
Once the FA notices they are safe, they will open up and trust the person sitting across from them.
Once the FA recognizes it is safe to open up, they can finally begin to process and express emotions.
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The fearful-avoidant goes through a cycle. Overwhelmed > withdraw > safety.
You have to be patient as an FA or the partner of an FA to work through it, break it down, and reach the ultimate goal of safety.
I know it can be frustrating, but as I always say, be patient as long as you are putting in the work. We can fix this.
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Do you want to huddle for a 1:1 session to work through your personal story? Reach out to me on Instagram for a coaching session(100/hr). Here. or email me at [email protected]
Want to learn about the triggers of the fearful-avoidant? Get a free guide Here
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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