The Alternative To Getting Married That No One Really Talks About

The story starts five months ago.

All my planning as a maid of honor culminated in my best friend’s wedding to her high-school sweetheart.

It was an outdoor affair set on a woodsy, 40-acre backyard backdrop. The wooden altar was handcrafted from cedar trees on the property. The cake was hand-mixed by a local baker. The gathering was small — immediate family and close friends only. As many weddings tend to involve, there were a lot of happy tears, stressful hair-tearing, and at least one distinct point where a dress was in need of a seamstress.

Even with a small gathering and lacking all the bells and whistles of a traditionally big, white wedding, it was stomach ulcer-inducing. Added to that was the expedited planning (for the couple’s personal reasons) for a wedding that was merely an idea only 8 months prior.

Whatever Pinterest board dreams I might have possibly had for a small wedding, they fled my mind during the planning process. I was entirely convinced after being a maid of honor that a wedding just wasn’t for me. So I began to wonder, is there another way? And not only considering a wedding but marriage in general.

…

Is “The Big Day” All It’s Cracked Up to Be?

As I learned before and during my time as a maid of honor, there are a lot of “socially expected” details in wedding planning.

The expectations of gaudy diamond rings (which didn’t have value until marketing gurus came along), wedding dresses (only been a tradition since 1840), and ivory (heaven forbid if it’s off-white cream) iced, multi-tiered wedding cakes. Then there’s the bridal shower, bachelor/bachelorette parties, and rehearsal dinner. The list goes on.

What sounds like the harping of a bridesmaid-but-never-the-bride complex, is honestly just one person standing on the sidelines shouting “why” into the void. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we layer so much stress onto an occasion that we might not remember experiencing (without the expensive wedding photos)?
A wedding is one of the most stressful occasions a person can plan and experience. According to Thrive Global, it’s in the top three most stressful life events, right next to experiencing the death of a loved one. When you consider the ballpark cost, trying to adequately align a thousand moving parts, and the behind-the-scenes bickering of “That’s it, we’re calling this whole thing off” — its place on the list is completely understandable.

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

It was while planning my friend’s wedding and sharing these thoughts with my family — that I stumbled across an alternative to getting married. It was an option that I never heard people openly talk about. And the answer wasn’t eloping or having a close-knit wedding ceremony.

…

Marriage Didn’t Resonate for Us

When you’ve been together for over two years, as my boyfriend and I had been, you start getting the age-old question.

In our relationship, we consider it a great win that we’ve lived together throughout the pandemic without murdering one another. In fact, we enjoy having shared spaces and hanging out even as life resumes a shred of normalcy. We even share a work-from-home office setup.

Even as we plan out the coming years (my partner being a planner by trade), other people naturally start asking us:

“When is the “big day”?”

We hesitated in answering the question because we didn’t know if getting married resonated with us. In general, neither of us wanted to get married in the traditional sense. Not only for the stress of wedding planning but for the fact that it carried the weight of ill-fated memories. My partner had the reason of enduring an unhappy marriage for two decades, while I saw my own parents’ life crumble in divorce following many rocky years.

Our own observations and life experiences made us jaded human beings when it came to considering this major life event, even with the right person — each other. Instead, we took a different path that better resonated for us both.

We confirmed this unique answer around the time of another wedding in our social circle. We sat in the audience and listened to my boyfriend’s niece and her fiance exchange vows. The sunlight twinkled through the trees. People clapped with happy tears beading in their eyes. A satin train slid against the grass prettily, as pictures were snapped and the cake was cleanly sliced and served.

My boyfriend and I looked at each other knowingly. We were ready. Two weeks later, my boyfriend and I had an appointment at the local county office to sign off on a domestic partnership.

…

Married Life Without “I Do”

A domestic partnership means that a couple (heterosexual or same-sex) chooses to share a life and home together. In short, it’s a non-legally binding marriage. It also comes without the planning, stress, and financial hardship of a traditional wedding.

A domestic partnership has the potential to provide several of the same benefits as a married couple. This may include being able to be listed as dependents on insurance plans, hospital visitation, medical decision-making, the right to transfer property and assets (although taxes may apply), and the ability to file taxes jointly (without the higher tax bracket placement), among other rights.

Domestic partnerships come with some important considerations. First, legal rights are based on state law or the city you reside in. Some states don’t recognize domestic partnerships (whether it’s heterosexual or same-sex). In our case, the rights of marriage and domestic partnerships are fairly equivalent in the state of Oregon. Also, domestic partnerships may or may not be recognized when it comes to employer-provided health plans. Finally, in terms of finances, you should decide if a domestic partnership makes sense, especially when it comes to making decisions on the division of assets, Social Security, and retirement benefits. This article provides a comprehensive detailing of domestic partnerships to decide if it’s right for you and your partner.

These were all critical considerations that my boyfriend and I researched and considered in advance based on our own relationship and goals as a couple, so we knew what was realistic for us. Also, knowing us and our love to question the status quo, we knew we wanted an alternative way to commemorate sharing our life together. A domestic partnership offered us that all-in-one opportunity.

When it came to our big day, our domestic partnership appointment was a very anticlimactic event. (Personally, we loved that.) We sat in a waiting room for 10 minutes. We filled out a form. The county clerk processing our form was our witness. We signed the form. She signed the form. We paid $60. That was it. Then we walked out of the county office and bought some Guyanese food and bubble tea for a celebratory lunch.

We didn’t text, snap, tweet, or post about it. In fact, we wanted it to be an event meant just for the two of us. In the days following, I shared the news with family members and close friends. All of them were congratulatory and only slightly miffed they couldn’t have known just a little bit sooner. However, no one seemed to have qualms about not being invited to a wedding.

…

Closing Thoughts

My point with this article is by no means to convince anyone out of dreaming of or planning a wedding or even getting married. Always do what resonates for you, your partner, and reflects what you want from your relationship. My hope is that this article introduces you to an alternative consideration when it comes to getting married— one that’s not often talked about.

A domestic partnership is just one consideration of many possible avenues to take as a couple. It may not be possible or make sense for everyone, and that’s okay. There are a lot of key pieces to consider, and while it doesn’t involve the stressful logistics of a wedding, there are certainly benefits and key financial aspects to weigh as a couple for the long term. Again, do what works best for your relationship.

My partner and I remain two people on a floating rock who managed to find each other. Like a wedding ceremony, signing off on our domestic partnership last month didn’t change the fabric of our coupled reality. However, it did allow us to take the next big step in our relationship in a different way with less stress and overwhelm.

We woke up the next morning as “domestic partners” — but what was that other than a state’s recognition of the loving bond we had already fully recognized as a couple? That’s the most important part for us. The events, daily tasks, and tender moments of sharing a life and home together are a committed bond we realize daily.

All in all, we “got hitched” in our own way, and we couldn’t be happier.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.