There is never a way for you to be anything other than yourself, so what do people mean when they ask for an ‘authentic man?’
—
Don’t worry, this article isn’t going to tell you real men chop fire-wood, smoke Marlboroughs and carry guns or the reverse; that men paint their nails, listen to Beyoncé, and have emotional melt downs when they break a fingernail. I want to look at why people think men are not authentic in the first place and what they are really asking when they say they want an authentic man.
I want you to imagine you are in a house in the remotest place on Earth. You designed it, built it and decorated it. You don’t have to worry about anyone ever seeing it; it’s yours to build how you want. Inside is where you put everything you like. You might have heavy metal playing or the Beatles. You might have a MacDonald’s for the kitchen or you prepare your own five star meals. You can have porn magazines on the coffee table or knitting monthly. X-boxes, bunk beds, power tools, the blanket you had as a kid, trophy cabinet for all your achievements, anything goes. It’s your house to do with as you please and absolutely everything you like, love or makes you feel good goes inside, there is no one around to judge. This is your safe place, the place you want to live.
This safe place, your castle, this is the real you, this is your authentic self, this is the parts of you that make you happy, make you feel like you matter and are worthwhile.
This is the place where your fears live, where the things that make you sad, hurt or unhappy belong.
|
Now I want you to look out the back yard. Out there is where the monsters are. This is the place where your fears live, where the things that make you sad, hurt or unhappy belong. There could be the monster of the first girl that ever turned you down for a date, a rope bridge over a ravine, a soul sucking job, an authority monster telling you that you will never be good enough, a scraped knee, a dentist visit, your car you can’t afford to fix or a letter box full of bills. The back yard is the place you don’t want to go, it’s horrible and you do your utmost never to go out there. This is your unsafe place, the place you wish would disappear.
This unsafe place, the yard full of monsters, this is the real you, this is your authentic self, this is the part of you that makes you avoid, deny, act up, angry and sad. It’s the part of you that always seems to hold shadow over your house.
You see the porch is the place you built to cope and interact with the world, it lets you function, or not, as you see fit with society at large.
|
Finally I want you to move to the front porch. This place you have designed to greet people from the outside world. This is the place you put all those things you have picked up over the years you don’t really care about, not in any real sense. This is a place for the things other people care about. It could have a beer keg always on tap, or a vegan tapas bar. A weapon rack or a baseball field down below. You could have a lover’s seat in the corner or an old rocking chair. The sign on the gate might read “Beware of Dog” or equally “Open for Alms”. This porch is the place where you get to sell yourself to the world and the things here are for their benefit, not yours. The stuff you like is already inside your house kept safe.
This greeting place, the place you store things for others, you may think this isn’t the real you, that it’s not the authentic you, but you’d be wrong. It is the authentic you too. It’s the things you think will impress others, or scares them, or makes them feel welcome or unwelcome, yet it was built and designed by you and it’s as authentic as the rest of your house. You see the porch is the place you built to cope and interact with the world, it lets you function, or not, as you see fit with society at large. It’s as much of the authentic you that you’re willing to sacrifice for people you don’t know well, that you won’t let in the house.
So what do people mean when they say they want an authentic man? They want inside, for good or ill; they either want into the house, or they want to have a play in the back yard, or both. You are already authentic, but the part you are showing them is the part you show people you don’t trust, or at least not fully. They only get access to the stuff you don’t truly care about. It’s up to you to work out whether you let a friend into the house, or partway in. It’s up to you whether you show your partner not only the house but the back yard too. Only you can work out whether they get to play with the things that make you happy, and only you get to decide if they are trustworthy enough to help you slay the monsters out in your back yard.
So if someone is asking to see the authentic man in you. They are not saying you are fake, or that you are hiding, not really, but you are only allowing them in so far. Just remember the first question you should always ask is have they earned that trust. The second question that should quickly follow is that are they prepared to let you into their house. Full authenticity is earned and reciprocated, but remember to give people opportunities to earn that trust and don’t make the price too high or no one will ever help you slay those monsters out back.
—-
Photo: Getty Images
*A minstrel was a medieval European bard who performed songs whose lyrics told stories of distant places or of existing or imaginary historical events. Although minstrels created their own tales, often they would memorize and embellish the works of others. The Modern Minstrel observes the world around him and shares it with us as lyrical story. This series was inspired by Luke Davis, whose eye for story and ear for lyrical prose are featured here.
Also by Luke Davis
What A Man Wants In A Marriage | What it Takes to See a Man’s Feelings | Have You Seen a Man’s Heart? | Why Date a Man Who Dances? |
—
Excellent article!
Elwood Watson, Ph.D.
Contributing Writer
Good Men Project
It is odd to clamber about being an authentic MAN, yet No where – not one instance have I yet found that supports being single, unmarried, childless, and further that it is supportive of never getting married, never having kids, not working for a boss, and not living in a ‘society’. Pure independent freedom, hell maybe no house either. Complete owning, owing nothing to no-one. Historical precedence is Thoreau and his Walden cabin, as I recall he had no front porch and but 3 chairs, there were no monsters in the backyard, because they don’t exist, beyond the ones you… Read more »
I was not sure about this one when I read the first few lines. Glad I read to the end. This is a very powerful analogy and a whole bag of truth!
That’s a good analogy. This is specifically what I’ve been working on this year. Not necessarily showing my authentic self to the entire world, like my heart on a sleeve to be eaten, but first and foremost to myself. To experience all of my human-ness. Even to those you trust it still can become a scary place because they have different thoughts of what you should do and be. But even those are more easily dealt with because of the underlying trust. Its still not perfect but not bad either. But I’ve been seriously working on doing what makes ME… Read more »