Everybody wants to be someone to somebody. We devote massive amounts of time to preening ourselves, attempting to attract someone, anyone, all in an effort to feel valued.
No one wants to be single forever. Even fewer people want to navigate life in solitude, feeling destined to die alone.
Humans are social creatures. We live to interact with others — whether in person, through social media, or some other digital form. While I consider myself an ambivert, mixing introvert and extrovert qualities, I’m no different.
I enjoy socializing with others, whether that means frequenting a lounge, meeting up with colleagues at a bar to fraternize, or interacting on social media from the comfort of my apartment.
And yet, I’m still single at 28-years-old. Even more odd, I’m unbelievably happy with solitude.
How come?
For starters, look at the rising divorce rates in this country. Every year, roughly 4–5 million people tie the knot. 42 to 53 percent of these unions end in divorce, per the U.S. National Center for Health Statistics.
In 2022 alone, 44 percent of marriages saw an untimely ending. A large percentage of these divorces were due to partners wanting more than they got from each other.
Rather than try to work through all their issues, they look for options elsewhere, privy to the fact that they have innumerable choices, all thanks to this digital age.
Gone are the days where couples would do whatever it took to stay together.
Instead, we log onto our favorite social apps, peruse the various posts, stories, etc., embracing the subtle or explicit thirst traps we come across.
In short, it’s easier to usher in infidelity in today’s society than it was 50, 20, even 10 years ago. We have more options. Access to instant gratification is at an all-time high, creating “microwave people,” or individuals expecting a desired outcome immediately.
Allow me to elaborate further with an example.
The Story
I know of a couple who perfectly exemplify why I’m still single at 28. To protect their privacy, we’ll call the husband Greg and his wife Rachel.
Greg is an ambition man with many goals for his life. Despite this, he didn’t have the best luck with women. His genuine approach to dating and courtship was often met with cynicism. Very few women believed he was as affable as he claimed to be.
The ones who did viewed him as weak or too nice, something no guy wants. As a result, he found himself without female companionship often.
Greg is a very religious man. Spirituality and a connection to God are imperative to his success. So, instead of becoming desolate as a result of his failures with women, he read books, did research, and prayed like there was no tomorrow for a quality wife.
Not much later, he met Rachel.
Rachel is the complete opposite of Greg. Where he’s ambitious, she’s lazy. Where he is kind, she’s hostile. Where he’s a pillar of emotional stability, she lives her life led by her feelings.
Basically, they were polar opposites, though she never showed him those qualities in the beginning. She “played the game,” convincing Greg that she was someone she really wasn’t — all because she was afraid of losing him. It’s rare that a man is ambitious, funny, kind, smart, AND sensitive.
Their saving grace was religion; both of them believed in God and lived spiritual lives, though he took his faith more seriously than she.
No one in his family — or among his friends — liked her when he started to bring her around. His mother despised her personality, while his father was wary of her lack of ambition and goals. Neither parent gave him their blessing to date her, let alone consider marriage.
Greg should’ve taken this as a sign or red flag, but he was hard-headed and in love. And you know what they say about love, right?
It blinds you to the truth.
That was certainly the case in Greg’s situation. It led him down a road that contorted his genuine, good guy nature into that of a manipulator.
…
Greg and Rachel grew closer in spite of his parent’s concerns. He learned about her tumultuous past, one chock-full of promiscuity and poor decisions. Some of what he learned about gave him serious pause. He became cognizant of how different they were.
Instead of walking away, he started to play the game too, portraying himself as the answer to Rachel’s past relationship shortcomings. He was afraid of losing her, believing she was out of his league.
He succeeded in coming across as a good guy (or better than he actually was) that would take her away from her problems and past.
Finding out he was still a virgin helped his case.
Instead of looking at this as purely a good sign, she decided to start playing the role of an innocent, ignorant good girl who was taken advantage of. She wanted to seem “equally yoked,” or on the same page as he was, not like a woman with a colorful sexual past.
A few years later, they decided to get married.
The Turning Point
The day of their wedding, Greg’s father walked up to Rachel during their reception, disappointed that his son chose her, but aware that it wasn’t his decision to make.
He talked at length about the importance of ambition and goals and asked her what her plans were for the future. She didn’t have any.
Frustrated, he made her promise to get an education at the very least. She obliged. That was the last time either of them saw his father, who passed away later that year from natural causes.
…
Their marriage started off like any other. They experienced a plethora of highs from having a roommate for life, sharing a home, combining finances, even staring at their wedding bands.
Despite this, things began to sour quickly. Their different perspectives led to more clashes than comprises. They fought about money management, splitting up chores and household tasks, and how to spend quality time together— for starters.
With all of this going on, their true personalities began to shine. Greg’s affable nature morphed into a controlling, insecure personality. Rachel’s perceived ignorance and dainty ways evolved into that of a lackadaisical, mean-spirited woman.
They started yearning for the days when they were single and able to do whatever they wanted without having to check in with someone else.
Rachel began to embrace qualities from her past Greg thought were put to bed, mainly emotional infidelity. Greg started to exhibit increasing levels of aggressiveness as a result.
Like most couples in their situation, keenly aware of their impending relationship collapse, they decided to have kids. But, because they couldn’t see eye-to-eye, this did more harm than good.
Rachel ended up cheating on Greg with their pastor during a moment of emotional vulnerability. They split up shortly thereafter, with Rachel retaining custody of their children.
Neither one of them is leading a regret-free life. Not only that, but they’re more glass half empty people in spite of their faith.
The Point/Final Thoughts
What’s my point in sharing this story?
Whether or not you realize it, your choice of life partner will either make or break your human experience. It isn’t a decision to take lightly or rush into.
Greg and Rachel indirectly taught me this with their conduct — from the moment they started dating till the day they chose to end their relationship.
They’re the reason why I want to garner more life experience and bolster my maturity level before I decide to settle down. This means waiting till later down the road to even entertain the thought of dating seriously or getting married.
You don’t want to end up like the man in the picture above, depressed as a result of your choices. I know I don’t.
And that’s why I’m still single.
Greg and Rachel are far more cynical and pessimistic today, with tendencies to assume the worst about the opposite gender.
They allowed being with the wrong partner to soil a crucial part of the human experience — intimacy.
Even worse, they fill their kids’ heads with vitriolic thoughts about their former partner, making it challenging for the children to truly enjoy being around their parents.
…
Being single long-term isn’t my goal. I desire to get married, or at the very least, share my life with a quality woman. But there’s emphasis on quality.
More often than not, I see individuals dating or heading toward marriage with someone who helps stave off loneliness: These people are seldom their best fit and don’t measure up to what quality truly entails.
In reality, they’re people of convenience, not authentic lovers.
I don’t want to be with someone just to be with them. I don’t want to allow personal emotional lows — like feeling utterly alone — to be the main catalyst that drives me toward love. That’s the wrong sort of motivation.
And that’s why I’d rather remain single and sometimes lonely than regret my choice of life partner.
The type of loneliness felt from that is far worse.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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